TITLE: Roses in Pencil
GENRE: Literary Humor
Some people say I ain’t smart enough to have did what I done. But some of the guys who say that ain’t exactly Einstein Bagels themselves and probably ain’t as smart as stuff they done either. Sometimes smart and lucky is the same thing, which a guy should not get credit for even if they want to.
OK, so getting in a fight with the meanest gang guy in Denver wasn’t smart or lucky, I’ll give you that one. I shouldn’t of done that and I ain’t got excuses. And any time you see a murder, you got to figure you done some dumb stuff to put you in the wrong spot at the right time. So it would be fair to take off some of my brain points for being a murder witness, on top of the points for the unfortunate gang incident. But then you got to add some luck points for not getting killed myself, and some on account of the turtle. Since smart and lucky is a lot alike, as I already explained, I think my luck points raises my brain points back to a level playing field.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This grabs me as a completely fresh and unique voice. He murders the grammar but I can tell it's deliberate and done for humorous effect. I'd read more to get to know more about this guy.
ReplyDeleteNot my usual reading, but I LOVED the voice. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth W.
Honestly, the story didn't grab me much. Like the other posters, though, I love this voice. He made me smile. I might keep reading a bit more to get to know him better, but I would need some definitive action soon to keep going.
ReplyDeleteAs you've heard now, the voice is great. You get a real feel for who the character is, I'd just be interested to see where it goes from here.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, no, because all the ain'ts are distracting me.
ReplyDeleteI found the ain'ts tiring. I'd be more interested if the colloquialisms weren't so in my face. I like the immediate action but the internal character reflection became a bit indulgent.
ReplyDeleteProbably not. The voice is great, but the redundancies are a bit much. We get that he's dumb. Spend less time on driving that point home and more time getting to the next... point. 8^)
ReplyDeleteEh...no.
ReplyDeleteI think that maybe this was intentional on your part to show that the protagonist isn't smart and this is sort of supposed to be Forest Gump(y), but my eyes kept going back up to the first line "have did what I done".
I like the voice, but the bad grammar would be better left a little lighter so we can concentrate on the story. I found it a little distracting. I like the character, however. He seems very genuine.
ReplyDeleteYup, that's a pretty good hook, nice voice and enough back story to make me want to know what gives. It might be nice to see some of this in actual dialogue, and you need to be careful to not use so much dialect that it's distracting.
ReplyDeleteGood, consistent voice and I love the intriguing title! I don't find the "ain'ts distracting as they figure well into the voice. In fact, I felt that "getting" should have been gettin' and "should not" should be contracted. I was hooked and curious to find out more about the speaker. I liked it!
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDeleteKudos for the unusual voice, but I found the sentences so unusually structured that I had to read them twice to understand what was being said.
No doubt, like shakespeare or a Clockwork Orange, you eventually get used to it, but you will lose people who say - for dog sake this is too hard. Up to you... just my observation.
I felt the humour a little self-conscious and "forced" for my tastes.
The scanario wasn't a major hook for me, but I would read on to see where this is going (but you've only got three pages, mind, before I decide if it's worth wading through the grammatical gymnastics)
JMO.
Good luck.
Oh I loved this!
ReplyDeleteIt's a yes from me. But this is just the sort of reading I adore: a unique character telling their story in language fits and oozes with personality. The personality worked for me too; I 'got' him straight away and am starting to feel sympathetic towards him.
Good luck!
renae_k
This was interesting to me, and it reminded me of Flowers for Algernon. The poor grammar was distracting to me, but I think I would continue reading just because the MC's voice was so interesting.
ReplyDeleteNot quite. I get that this is the MC's voice, but it was distracting and I just couldn't pull myself into their POV. Plus, I think the last paragraph could have been tightened, focusing on the muder itself rather than the other ramblign thoughts going on there. Why not give us the murder, rather than an MC talking to us about it since it happened in the past?
ReplyDeleteThe excessive use of passive verbs like "was" and "is" red-flags most writing as amateurish. This guy's passive verb of first resort is "ain't" but it don't seem to bother me for some reason.
ReplyDeleteThree ain'ts in three lines was so distracting it pulled me right out of the story. I think you can show his voice without being so heavy-handed or repetitious. However, I do think this is strong otherwise.
ReplyDeleteNo. The voice is interesting, but nothing about the plot hooks me so far. The genre also isn't one I read much. Unless I knew more about the plot, I doubt I'd read further.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is good, but I'm not in love with it. And the bit about the toughest gang in Denver just made me laugh. It's not the roughest city I can think of. I'd need to see a strong query/back of book, or have a recommendation to keep reading though. I think there's potential but I can't tell where you're taking it from page 1.
ReplyDeleteYes! I love the voice and though it took me a few sentences to get with the flow and rhythm of it, I love the tone and I'm curious what the narrator got himself into. Oh, and a turtle is involved? Now I have to know. ;)
ReplyDeleteNice job, and good luck!
~Merc
Cautiously hooked.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the voice (read it as southern until I got to Denver and then had to go back redo the accent in my head) I'd echo what someone else said earlier about using the dialect carefully. It got a bit inconsistent at times. It rambled on for a bit but I'm still intrigued
I found the pacing to be upbeat and refreshing, and I liked the humor.
Fiction! Fiction! What is wrong with calling it Fiction? If I was busy and scanning queries and saw Literary Humor I would file it right next to Poetry and Autobiography of My Not-Famous Granddad in the "Unlikely Sales" circular file. And then I would be furious with myself because the writing's clever and the "on account of the turtle" made me chuckle aloud and I'd hate to miss this.
ReplyDeleteBack on point, yes, it hooked me.
Interesting voice. Took some adjusting to. I'm leaning on the fence towards "no." Sorry :(
ReplyDeleteIt hooked me because of the unusual voice -- and the turtle. I've got to know what's up with the turtle!
ReplyDeleteA novel in this voice would be a chore to read, at least starting out, but I'd have to give it a go (if only for the turtle.) :-)
Hee. You lost me in the first para - the voice is good, but it wasn't enough for me to overcome the irritation at the absolute mangle-ation of the grammar. HOWEVER, when I read the comments and saw 'turtle', I had to go read para 2... And I love it :D
ReplyDeleteToning down the grammar mangle-ation in para 1 would have let me continue to para 2 without a problem :)
Yay turtles!
The turtle thing is great - I really enjoyed that. I feel like the mangled grammar is a little too much at times. The "unfortunate gang incident" line kind of stuck out as a bit different than the rest of the dialog - the narrator doesn't seem like he'd say something like that to me for some reason - too formal in the middle of the bad grammar. That sounds funny I realize in light of what I just said, but it goes too far into formality IMO and the contrast is too much.
ReplyDeleteOverall my reaction is mixed, I think. Some things pulled me in (the turtle) and some things pushed me away (fighting to understand the grammar at some points).
Loved the turtle thing, but not the grammar twisting. First reaction would be no, not hooked. Sorry.
ReplyDelete