Fenlay pulled up his sleeves. "Step back, Sire."
Deviran moved to the corner of the balcony and waited. This time multiple jets of blue and pink light shot out of Fenlay's fingers, running down the ranks and files like quicksilver. The light engulfed the parade ground, then as one the troops shuddered.
Deviran gripped the balcony railing. This was It. Finally, finally, his troops would be satisfied. Efficiency would increase a hundred fold, and he could conquer with the unions on his side. Butterflies jumped in his stomach.
Purple light flashed over the parade ground, blinding Deviran.
Strange. He blinked, watching the after images. That looks like a rabbit. The butterflies in his stomach became lead weights.
He stared down at the parade ground. Where his troops had stood, rank and file, all men at attention – now the field was littered with milling, bright pink, disgustingly fluffy, over-sized rabbits.
Deviran turned to Fenlay. "Please, please, explain. And quickly."
Fenlay grinned. "Because it's funny."
Deviran closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. "Fenlay, tell me you have a better reason than that. Please."
"You want them happy." Deviran heard the shrug in Fenlay's voice. "Much happier as bunnies than as evil troopers. Bunnies are, by nature happy. Troopers, especially of Evil Overlords, are not."
Deviran shot a pained look at Fenlay. What hurt the most, of course, was the sheer truth of the matter. He had, after all, asked Fenlay to make them happy.
"And," Fenlay sniggered, "it's funny."
I'm cheating here, cos I'm reading this, so I know who's who! Fenlay's such a joker! I love him (glad to meet him at last!). Definitely real here!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was great - it made me laugh and Fenlay's sense of humor. Definitely got a sense of him. The only thing I didn't like was the use of the word "sniggered" - it sounds a little mean spirited to me - I'd prefer "snickered." But otherwise, IMO it's very solid.
ReplyDeleteHehe! I still love this Fenlay character. His nonchalant manner and jokes conveyed a lot about him.
ReplyDeleteFantasy spoof indeed. Great humor, and this Fenlay is a real prankster, who is likely to die a horrible death, caused by a happy horde of pink bunnies. Really funny.
ReplyDeleteWe get into Deviran's head, so I assume he is the MC. That means Fenlay is your SC.
ReplyDelete[chuckles]
He sounds very much like an odious minion poking fun at his stressed thread thin Overlord-Wanna-Be.
Both guys show well - though I think Fenlay could have been physically described (like the sound of his voice, the look on his face, etc).
AHAHAHAHAHA! Fenlay is nicely developed (SC). He's got the heart of a child. LOL!
ReplyDeleteThe two bits of this I've read (the first in the Are You Hooked contest) have me rearing to read the rest. Both characters are painted very vividly, and Fenley's personality comes across loud and clear with just a few short lines. Awesome job!
ReplyDelete*snickers*
ReplyDeleteI've read this elsewhere and still love it from start to finish. Fenlay makes an engaging and hilarious SC.
I'm guessing Fenlay is the SC. He comes across as funny - I'll admit he made me smile. At the moment, I'm not getting the impression of a rounded character, but he's certainly engaging.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this piece. Very funny.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit distracted by the fact that bunnies are not happy by nature. They are actually quite stupid and mean*.
But I am willing to overlook that, since the piece is so awesome.
*I used to work with rabbits. My boss was very selective of who could work with them, because they would attack if they detected any hesitation on the part of the handler. Many of my co-workers had scars on their hands.
It took two people to trim the rabbits' nails: one to cut the nails, and one to hold their hands over the rabbit's eyes.
Because despite how viciously the rabbit was resisting, as soon as you covered its eyes, it sat placidly. "Huh... where did those guys go?"
Not too bright, rabbits. ;)
I've raed this one before, but it still makes me smile.
ReplyDeleteFenlay has a great sense of humor! :)
Douglas Adams would have loved your Fenley.
ReplyDeleteSo do I, as a matter of fact.
Kizmet
Never trust a wizard with a sense of humor, I always say. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI liked this scene snippet, and I think I got a fairly good sense of the overload's frustration. I didn't get all that well-formed an impression of Fenlay, however. He obviously has a sense of humor and feels quite secure in his position (otherwise he'd be running before the overload had him killed, right?), but other than that, I didn't get much from him. I think that's probably more due to the length of the snippet than the characterization, though.
Nice writing!