Title: UNLAWFUL PERSUASION
Genre: Suspense
Angie opened her notepad. "So, are you suggesting he may have broken into the FBI computer network before?"
"Well, he certainly found his way around quickly. Either he's exceptionally good at it, or he's been in here before."
Burke cleared his throat. "He told me he hacked into the University system where he found those phony encrypted messages."
Angela raised her head. "Hold on Dave, I'm not sure we can call those phony just yet," she said.
The man in the pinstripe suit let out a sigh, and shrugged his shoulders. Angela wondered who the mystery man was.
"This doesn't make sense to me," she said. "Why would someone open a case with the FBI, and then break in and delete their own case file?"
Mister pinstripe was now fidgeting in his chair. What the hell is his problem? He was starting to piss her off.
She looked back at Dinkins. "Are you sure it was done from his apartment?" she asked.
Mister pinstripe looked around the room. "Excuse me," he said, "I feel I need to jump in here. The evidence clearly points to this Riley fellow. It's obvious, to me anyway, the initial case he reported was just a ruse. The break-in was this guy's way of telling us he knows better than we do."
"Um, just who the hell are you?" Angela blurted out. Her supervisor gave her a cold stare.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I am a little confused. I believe the secodary character here is the man in the pinstripe suit. All of the other names confused me. Burke, Dave and Riley. I can see where this character can move the story but he left me flat.
ReplyDeleteGood story premise..
As of now, I think the SC you are showcasing is the man in the pinstriped suit. In this passage, he gives hits of being an interesting character, but we don't get enough of him IMO to find him compelling - yet.
ReplyDeleteHmm, I think Mr. Pinstripe is the secondary, but I didn't get much out of him in this piece. There was much too much of your MC, Angie. All Mr. Pinstripe got to do was make his statement at the end, which given the mystery of the situation, didn't say much about his character.
ReplyDeleteHe might be an interesting character but I wouldn't know it from this piece alone.
a lot of characters, for such a short scene. i suppose the mystery man is the SC, but I'm sorry to say i don't get a clear view of him.
ReplyDeleteHuh... um.
ReplyDeleteAngie/Angela is your MC. That means everyone else = SC(s)
The problem is I wasn't sure how many people were in the room, or if she was just addressing/describing one person.
Teh fact that we didn't know this was Angela's POV until half way through made it difficult for me to get a fix on either of the other two characters. Neither of them really "stood out," IMHO. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble pinpointing the SC here. Is it the fidgeting man in the suit? Other than those two aspects of him, I didn't pull much else from the scene.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't quite sure who was the SC but I think it's mister Pinstripe. In this scene, Angela jumps out at me more but in his last piece of dialogue I got a bit of a sense for the Pinstripe.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other posters.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a problem created by the contest, actually, and not a problem with your scene.
I had a difficult time identifying my own scene because, in 250 words, more than 3 characters gets too diluted to give enough on any one SC, IMO.
I hadn't noticed before this contest how often another character is around when I introduce an SC.
I think it's Mr. Pinstripe, but all the other names in there threw me. First it was Angie and then Angela. Then Burke, and Riley, and Dave. I didn't know if they were last names that went with first or if they were all different people. And I didn't know if Mr. Pinstripe was one of them or a different guy completely.
ReplyDeleteIf it was Mr. PS, then I only got that he was nervous to be there, and not much else. Sorry.
No sc is well-developed in this section, but I think your mc gets a nice rounding out in it.
ReplyDeleteKizmet
I think I got a read on Angie here, but the others sort of got by me. Mr. Pinstripe impressed me as someone who may know more than he's letting on, but beyond that, I couldn't tell much about him (except for a vague idea about what he's wearing).
ReplyDelete