TITLE: On A Falling Star
GENRE: Gothic Romance
Sylvia looked up at Edlyn’s profile. He, too, gazed
at Lucky. A slight smile played on the corners of his
mouth. Sylvia’s hand tightened on Edlyn’s arm, and he
glanced down. Her expression must have betrayed her.
Amusement flashed in his eyes.
Edlyn’s amusement was ice. He would not laugh at
her. The music started. Hands clasped hers on both
sides, and she began the dance. The first steps of
the dance separated them. When she returned to him,
face-to-face, and gave her hands into his, she tilted
her chin and leaned toward him. She stumbled
slightly, pressing her breasts against his chest. His
hands tightened around her waist. She caught her
balance and begged his pardon.
The heat in his eyes told her he was no longer
laughing and no longer thinking of Lucky.
At each opportunity the dance provided, Sylvia
provoked him further. She slid her fingers against
his palm as she took his hand and caressed each
finger’s full length before releasing it. When the
dance brought her close, she stepped in an inch closer
than the dance allowed. She stayed too close a second
longer than she should.
She held his attention, undivided, until the
dance was nearly over, but that was not enough. He
had laughed at her. “The room has become quite warm.”
“Perhaps it is the dance.”
“Perhaps.”
“A rest would be in order, then. And a cool glass of
champagne?”
“The room is so crowded.”
“I know a quiet place.”
Sylvia nodded.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked this passage, but I'm confused who is the secondary character is. Both of them feel like they would be the leading couple so I'm not quiet sure.
ReplyDeleteI think Edlyn's your SC, but I got more from Sylvia in this piece. He seemed to come through clearer with the first instance of his amusment but after that it was more about Sylvia's gestures.
ReplyDeleteThis was a tantalizing moment, and I enjoyed it, but I have to agree that I wasn't quite sure who your SC was. Also, who's Lucky? The name really stuck out to me compared to the other two names.
ReplyDeleteNice tension between the characters. I got much more of a sense of the MC, though - she is putting a lot of effort into being a temptress and Eldyn is not all that rounded in that he's just reacting to her teasing.
ReplyDeleteI think for a romance you're fine. I generally object to the phrase "breast brushed his chest" because it (IMO) is overused, but I understand its welcomed in romance novels.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, characters seem fine :o)
I would have loved more dialogue beats in the conversation, but perhaps you had to cut them to keep to the 250 limit. I think Edlyn is responding nicely to her advances, she got his attention anyway. It was hard to judge Edlyn from this excerpt, because I did get more of a feel for Sylvia.
ReplyDeleteI got a good sense of Sylvia in this, and I'm assuming she's your MC. Edlyn didn't come across quite as strongly, but he does appear to be amenable to seduction. ;-)
ReplyDeleteCan't say I got a good sense of who Edlyn is as a SC. His dialogue was stiff and formal, and didn't reveal anything about who he was as a character. Sorry, but he really just seemed two-dimentional.
ReplyDeleteIs Edlyn the SC here? I'm afraid that other than his interest in Sylvia, I'm not getting a firm grasp on his character. The scene is more about Sylvia flirting with him. On another note, the fact that both of them are staring at Lucky in the beginning distracted me.
ReplyDeleteSince this is a romance, I think Sylvia is the MC and Edlyn is the SC, but both seem equally strong in this scene.
ReplyDeleteEdlyn's reticence overcome by Sylvia's actions comes on strong in this scene.
I get a good sense of Sylvia, who I'm guessing is the MC. But I don't get a sense of anyone else in the scene at all. There's someone named Lucky that Sylvia and Edlyn are looking at, but who is never mentioned in any detail again. And Edlyn doesn't do much of anything here, besides smiling at Sylvia and exchanging a few words.
ReplyDeleteWhen the dialogue came up, I had no idea who was speaking. I assumed Sylvia spoke first about the room being warm since the dialogue followed directly after her thoughts without a paragraph break. But at least one dialogue tag there would be helpful.
I didn't feel like the dialogue was very dynamic or significant, and didn't really tell too much about either character.
To me, Edlyn is a female name, so I had to reread your second sentence several times.
ReplyDeleteIf Edlyn is your sc, you need to work on him. If Sylvia is your sc - great work.
Kizmet
Hmm, this is from Sylvia's POV, and she's quite interesting. Apparently she wants to get back at him for laughing at her?
ReplyDeleteMy problem is that I don't get a good sense of Edlyn, who seems to be the SC.
I'm rubbing my head over here re/the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThis might need a little editing to make this clearer, but sounds like Sylvia (girl) and Edlyn (guy) are beaming at each other prior to the beginning of a dance.
Who is Lucky? I have no idea.
As to who is the MC... I'm guessing Sylvia because the focus is more on her.
That would make Edlyn your SC... and I think he could be developed a little more.
I'm thinking Edlyn is the SC. I think it's a good scene but I don't think it reveals that much about Edlyn's personality. He seemed fairly typical, except for his being a bit cold at the start.
ReplyDeleteEdlyn is the SC. And I really liked it. That saucy Sylvia...still, she's gotta keep his attention. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who is the SC, but I liked Edlyn! %-) I think you show them both well.
ReplyDelete~Merc