GENRE: Fantasy
She knows we’re here.
McKinver reacted before Will could. We can’t leave – we’re on assignment. How can she see us?
Tom backed up a step as Danielle moved closer to him. I don’t know – I think it’s because of Mist.
When can we stop observing? Fear tinged Will’s mental voice as flames started to lick at the base of the stairs. For now none touched the front door.
You know we can’t burn in this dimension – not in this form. McKinver reminded him.
I don’t like fire, came the small reply as Will brushed past Tom’s shoulder and raced to the top of the stairs.
Concerned that he’d have to intervene and stop a taunting session, Tom was relieved when McKinver changed the subject. Although the matter at hand worried him.
Here comes the cavalry.
Peering through the banister poles, Tom saw a five Retrieval team advance slowly towards Danielle, their stun guns prepared to fire. Danielle glanced at them, and the fire on the stairs flew up the banister.
Tom stop it!
Go calm Will, he commanded McKinver, walking down the burning stairs into the flames. He felt the heat of the fire stroke his transparent feet.
I liked Will, he seemed very nervous and quirky!
ReplyDeleteWell, the situation is a little confusing for me, but if Will is your SC I got the sense that he is less experienced than the others, and a little timid...so I think he came across ok.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble getting a handle on the scene (but that's what dropping the needle is all about, right?), but Will came across as nervous and generally not the sort of guy you want at your back in a precarious situation. :-)
ReplyDeleteAll your characters seem equally balanced, good job :o)
ReplyDeleteI too had some trouble knowing what was happening because of DTN, but I'd say that Will is compelling. It snagged me that he's not so afraid of being burned as the fact that he doesn't like fire. Also that there have been taunting sessions before - Will seems like the toady of the group.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a good scene to showcase Will's weaknesses. I get a sense that Will is inexperienced and maybe really young compared to the others. Nice job with this.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing Will was your MC, making McKinver your SC. But I have to agree with those comments about not knowing what was going on. I'm guessing there was telepathy going on between the characters, but that made it really had to follow and get a sense of the characters as individuals.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking Will is the SC and Tom is the MC.
ReplyDeleteWe get a good feel for Will's chronic fear and desire to get away, both from his own thoughts/actions and from Tom's reactions to them.
Good Job.
I'm not quite sure who is supposed to be the SC here. Will, I think. Is Danielle an antagonist? Will comes across as fearful and inexperienced. I like him as a character, even if I had trouble deciphering a few details about the scene.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble distinguishing between the main and secondaries. I was confused with this one.
ReplyDeleteI had a really difficult time sorting out what was happening in the scene, but I guess that's to be expected in this sort of thing. I'm guessing Tom is one of the main characters, which would leave Daniell, McKinver and Will as the potential SC's... I guess I'll go with Will like everyone else. :-) I get a good sense of his nervous disposition in the scene here.
ReplyDeleteThe way the first paragraph opens talking about Will's thoughts, but then jumps to Tom staring at an unknown "her" (Danielle I guess??)is, I think, what tripped me up with the who/what of the scene.
I think Tom is the mc, right? Will and McKinver are the sc. But I can't tell which one you want us to comment about - Will is slightly more developed in the text, McKinver in conversation.
ReplyDeleteI think both could use more development, but I hear McKinver's voice clearer and see Will better.
Kizmet
Not sure who the SC is, but I like Will. He seems like a rookie.
ReplyDelete"McKinver reacted before Will could." Here I thought these were two separate characters.
ReplyDelete"Go calm Will, he commanded McKinver," Here they seem to be one and the same.
This is interesting, and Will is really edgy, which you show in a good way.
Maybe it was the different fonts,or maybe I need more coffee this morning, but I felt confuse and then lost interest..
ReplyDeletejerzegurl
I think this might be an excerpt problem, but I was initially a little confused when I read this.
ReplyDeleteWhat I gather is the two guys (Tom and Will) are mentally communicating with each other (Tom's trying to maintain calm and control, Will's freaked out) while watching Danielle come right at them. Danielle seems rather spectral in her approach - combined with her silence and fire thing.
In the end - I got the two guys and was uncertain about Danielle (as to whether she was good or bad), but still a little confused by the McKinver thing. Is McKinver supposed to be Danielle? Or is it somebody outside their dimension (wherever they are, I assume it's only in spirit)?
Re/secondary characters... I want to say Will, as Tom seems to be the main focus in this scene. But in case this is a pov shifting novel, I want to say the characters are good and seem to be individual and developed. My confusion stemmed more from being plopped in the middle of a scene without knowing a couple things (like the setting, circumstances, who is McKinver, etc).
So nice job. ;)
I didn't quite know which of the characters is the SC. I think Tom is the MC and then there seem to be three other characters involved - Danielle, Will and McKinver. It sounded like Danielle was the opposition and the rest were a team with Will being the nervous one and Mckinver being the team's backbone.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments! I think I need to clear up some confusion.
ReplyDeleteI do realise this is a confusing scene to drop the needle. This chapter is from Tom's POV. Danielle is actually the other POV, but this event happens when she is a little girl.
Will and McKinver are separate people. With quite different personalities. (McKinver actually becomes an antagonist for part of the story...)
They are speaking telepathically. Tom, Will and McKinver are watching Danielle (humnan). They aren't human, and can exist in several dimension.
I'll stop there, otherwise I'll write half the novel out! HOpe it clears up some queries.
Thank you again - these comments are encouraging! And uh confession from me: this is a raw, first draft :) Heehee!
Not quite getting into the scene as well as I'd like, Yuna, but that might be becuase it IS the middle of a scene. :P
ReplyDeleteI get the sense Will is still a bit wet-behind-the-ears at this job, and his insecurity and nervousness comes through well. Not sure what to make about Tom and the other dude yet but not bad. ;)
~Merc