TITLE: The Gate
GENRE: Mainstream Literary
By the time the Range Rover jolts onto the dirt road, there’s nothing to see but eucalypts and untidy scrub. Jason’s head is thick with fatigue from the three hour drive, and he’s fidgetty with lack of caffeine and his wife’s ultimatum. He has cajoled, bribed and f****d his way to revealing the address shoved in his pocket, but it might cost him his marriage.
Ahead, a mountain range overshadows the land like a low thunderous cloud. The car thumps and judders, and a screen of dust chokes the air behind him. He rounds a corner, and the scruffiness of the bush is abruptly segmented by fences and fields slashed into tidy rectangles.
There.
The cottage is weather board, and in need of a paint.
He’s suddenly tired of the whole damn thing. But he needs to find out what happened to Sam.
Jason slams the car door, and flicks the central locking. He pushes open the gate. A riot of disorderly garden beds pour right up to his feet.
A grey-haired woman emerges from behind a tipi of bean vines. She’s got a wiry strength to her. “Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for Ellen Baker.”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“I’m Sam Wilson’s brother.”
“That’s nice, but I don’t think I know a Sam Wilson.”
“I was told that you do guiding work. Up to Mt Gungurra.”
A wary nod.
“Did you take my brother up there? To the Gate?”
She weighs the trowel in her hand. “Come inside.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hmmm, the last line of the first paragraph confuses me a bit. I think you are saying he did all those things in order to find out the information, but it makes it sound like he was the one doing the revealing. I'd like a little more description of the characters (although I realize this might come after the first 250 words) :)
ReplyDeleteI am curious as to what is going, what happened to Sam, the general situation, etc.
The style of writing, the voice stands out to me as refreshingly different. The set up wondering what happened to the brother is established with little word count, along with anticipation of a journey or quest to find this gate.I'd read on in a heartbeat. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm also confused by the last line of the first paragraph. I think it's the word "but". Apparently cajoling, bribing and f***ing someone (other than his wife, I presume) wouldn't be enough to risk his marriage? And then you don't give any indication why it may cost his marriage anyway...
ReplyDeleteSorry, too sloppy and confusing. I pass.
THe last line of the first paragraph tripped me up a bit. I wonder why you chose to start here this time.
ReplyDeleteYou know how much I like this story, but I don't think this start would have pulled me in.
Sorry
No- I don't like the tense. I think this is probably an interesting story just not my style. I suspect other people might like it though. :o)
ReplyDeleteFresh voice, here. I am a sucker for kinetic openings and the jolting car ride is very kinetic and allows for a great canvas to be splashed with the setting without being overly descriptive. I can also appreciate the clean ratio of dialogue to description that allows the narrative to unfold and stay fresh. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThe typos and awkward writing slipped me up, but the imagery is very nice. I especially like "the tipi of bean vines." Sorry, I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteNo... I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is the dialogue exchange at the end. It's almost mechanical compared to your descriptive writing above.
I'm hooked as far as I want to know more. I think there's some room for revision here to tighten things, but the pacing is pretty good overall.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know more about what's going to happen.
This feels rough to me, but with lots of potential. I'd read on. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of first person, nor of present tense, so the two combined was a big turn off for me. I only really got into it once he arrived at the cabin and clued us into the plot. The car trip there just didn't do anything for me.
ReplyDeleteThere's a decent literary style to this. I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph needs work. In the second sentence, changing with to from would make more sense. I totally did not get the third sentence.
But, I would read on.
Mildly hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise, setting, and the general tone to the piece. I'm interested to find out what happened to Sam and why his brother went to such great lengths to find this information.