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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

#15 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

TITLE: DEADLY DISILLUSION

GENRE: Thriller

Just before the bomb blew, Clay Holt should have foreseen something was wrong. But, no. He was preoccupied. Distracted. Thinking of the six-figure job offer he’d received, and how badly he wanted to get the hell away from Washington, DC.

The damp December air over the city smelled like rotting fish as a raw east wind floated saltwater mist in from Chesapeake Bay. FBI agent Clay Holt and his partner, Paul Herrera, drove out to the Brookland neighborhood in the northeast quadrant of DC to give two other agents a break for lunch. They had been watching a residence suspected of being a drop house for a human trafficking ring from Mexico.

Paul turned the Crown Vic onto the street, two blocks behind the other agents’ car.

“It’s almost one o’clock. I hope Mills and Peters haven’t starved to death,” Clay said, feigning concern and hoping to elicit a smile from his partner. Nada.

As he stared back out his window at the gray clouds suffocating the city, he thought about the position he’d been offered in Colorado, his home state. Where majestic mountains shoot up from the high plains to touch heaven. Where his children would be safe.

The car slowed as they approached the other agents, who appeared to be inside their vehicle.

“I’m glad I’m not pulling these watches,” Paul said. “I used to─”

Ka-boom!

The other car lifted two feet into the air as a red and orange plume of fire erupted.

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13 comments:

  1. AnonymousAugust 27, 2008 at 2:39 PM

    I really like "As he stared back out his window at the gray clouds suffocating the city, he thought about the position he’d been offered in Colorado, his home state. Where majestic mountains shoot up from the high plains to touch heaven. Where his children would be safe." but you might want to consider moving it a bit earlier. After "Washington DC" and "The December. That way you could play up the contrast more. At the same time, I think it might help the pacing a little. Also, I'm not sure you need "Clay Holt" twice on the page. I would definitely turn the page of this one!

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  2. Michelle McLeanAugust 27, 2008 at 3:02 PM

    I would introduce him up front as FBI agent Clay Holt, in the first paragraph. No need to repeat his full name in the second paragraph.

    I liked your descriptions, very nice. I would keep reading :)

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  3. Luc2August 27, 2008 at 3:10 PM

    Soory, I won't read further.
    The writing is fine, and there's some nice descriptions but I really don't like these kinds of openings. They reek of a narrator, or omniscient POV, and then fall away completely after switching to a third limited POV. Also, letting the reader in on what the POV character doesn't know yet is a cheap, lazy device, IMO.

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  4. AnonymousAugust 27, 2008 at 4:18 PM

    I feel like you're trying to squish too many things into this opening, rather than fully developing one. I don't find myself caring about the bomb or the agents or his kids, unfortunately.

    It also didn't feel much like I'd expect for the opening of a thriller.

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  5. Liana BrooksAugust 27, 2008 at 4:40 PM

    As it stands- No

    Start with the second paragraph- Yes

    Why start with telling and an info-dump, show me some action!

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  6. UnknownAugust 27, 2008 at 5:14 PM

    I feel like someone told you to add a bigger hook for an opening paragraph so you tacked this one the front. Dump it and start with “The damp December air”. I loves me my thrillers, and I would certainly read on…

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  7. Karen DuvallAugust 27, 2008 at 5:50 PM

    I didn't care for the "frame" beginning. It seems out of place. But the rest of it I liked very much. I'd certainly read more.

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  8. emeraldciteAugust 27, 2008 at 7:16 PM

    I agree with Secret, start with the damp december. It reads pretty smoothly from there on out. Very fast paced.

    I was hooked once I got past that first paragraph.

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  9. AnonymousAugust 27, 2008 at 7:49 PM

    Ka-boom! The other car lifted two feet into the air as a red and orange plume of fire erupted.

    This is nitpicky, but I was thinking about the explosions that I've heard. I don't know if I react to the sound so much as the shock and also the feel.

    Wouldn't Clay and his partner have felt the explosion before seeing it?

    This is a yes(ish) here.

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  10. queenofmeanAugust 27, 2008 at 9:26 PM

    I liked it. I would read on. His mind was elsewhere - possible job in another city - mentally he's preparing himself to leave - but the explosion (people he knows being killed) - he won't be leaving - his wife has probably already planned on moving - she won't be happy - conflict everywhere - I like it!

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  11. LoriStronginAugust 27, 2008 at 11:23 PM

    It's an interesting premise and well written. Although not a genre I typically enjoy, I would read on.

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  12. AnonymousAugust 28, 2008 at 1:07 PM

    not hooked. The voice, for some reason, made me feel less engaged than I should've been

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  13. AnonymousAugust 29, 2008 at 6:45 AM

    Slightly not hooked.


    I like thrillers, FBI, crime, stuff blowing up, etc. but I don't like the fact that the explosion is given away from the start. It's all anti-climactic from there.

    I would not mention the explosion at all...just start with Holt, the crime scene and then BOOM!

    I think you've got something here, with the Agent who wants to move to Colorado.

    ReplyDelete