GENRE: urban thriller
Two rival gangs face off to one another.
“We’re not here for a fight,” Marcus told him.
“So what you come ‘ere for?” Luke demanded.
“A word.” Marcus then walked over to Luke.
The two leaders spoke quietly.
The gangs glared at one another.
Rivals for many years; the Tyrants and Vipers fought each other every opportunity they could, but they still respected one another enough to stick to the rules.
The Tyrants thought Luke knew about the attack, but by the look on his face, I doubted it.
Luke turned and looked at my attackers. Their expressions gave them away. They looked nervous and scared. Even so, it didn’t make me feel better.
The Tyrants were ready. All Marcus had to do was give the word.
They finished talking and Marcus came back over to us.
“I want Jake, Chad, and Colin. This doesn’t concern you, Luke.”
Marcus was speaking so the rest of the Vipers could hear, but he was addressing Luke. Unless Luke gave the signal to walk away, there would be a fight.
Luke looked into my eyes; I saw pity in his face.
“I didn’t ‘ave ‘anyfing to do with what ‘appened to you. I don’t know ‘anyfing about it and I’m sorry. I want you to know I wouldn’t ‘ave let that ‘appen if I’d known.” He sounded genuine. I nodded my head.
The other Vipers didn’t have a clue what was happening and looked bewildered.
“This ‘ain’t got ‘nofing to do with me.”
Luke looked at Jake, Chad and Colin, who were standing together. “You’re on your own. You ‘free can stay ‘ere, you deserve this.” Then he turned and walked off.
Hmm. Had a little trouble with the 'f's for the 'th' sound, but after a second read I think I got the dialect...except for 'free.' I thought that one should have been 'th' as was 'This.'
ReplyDeleteOverall, I thought the characterization was good.
The info-dump distracted me more than the dialog. In the midst of an action scene, it stopped the tension flat. I'd have prefered to have more dialog/action there.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have trouble the dialog once we picked it up, although I had to pause over 'free for a moment to recognize what word that was supposed to be.
I like what you are trying to do here, but for me all the ' and f's replacing the th's made it more difficult to read and for me to internally hear the characters voice. I think you could dial it down a bit, and still get the same feeling across.
ReplyDeletea lot of info in the middle... but I kept the DL straight and that's the point, right?
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, the dialogue here confused me more than anything and made it difficult to understand the characters speaking. Perhaps, rather than using so many “H” words, rewrite some of what he says so it’s more of a natural-feeling dialect, versus a hit-you-over-the-head one. Also, I’m not sure why you need the apostrophe before “’nofing.”
ReplyDeleteThe 'free' and 'nofing' made me pause for amoment. Perhaps a bit too much dialect for my taste but the flavor of it worked well for the character.
ReplyDeleteI'm afriad I had trouble understanding what was going on, and the explanation in the middle kind of killed the tension. The 'f' thing also confused me in places. It made the dialect seem a bit heavy handed and trying too hard... but I could understand when Luke was speaking due to the dialect.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I'm afraid I found this a little confusing - too many names and I had no idea where the narrator fit in.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue seemed okay to me, though I always imagine someone who uses 'f' for 'th' also using 'k' for 'g' so it would be 'nuffink'.
Actually I did understand what was going on after my first read. I had trouble with point of view. It seemed to shift to first person in the middle of the scene.
ReplyDelete