Title: Promise of a Stranger
Genre: Literary/Mainstream
Step-Up: Heather, the MC, is sitting in the sandbox with her four-year-old son. She's trying to get him to tell her what they were doing that morning.
I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help but find humor in my son owning a plastic cow with superpowers and anorexia. “Does Supercow have any other special tricks?”
Elias didn’t answer.
I wiggled my toes, and he whacked the collapsing sand around my feet with a plastic shovel. “Where’d you go with Nick this morning?”
“Shopping.”
Raising an eyebrow, I pressed him for more information on why I awoke in only the company of his nanny and the housekeeper. “Shopping? For what?”
“Can’t tell you,” he said. “It’s a secwet.”
Elias’ happy singsong told me he had a good time. As the only father my son had ever known, he and Nick had an inseparable bond cemented through a mutual love of baseball and fast cars.
“Nick’s your hero. Isn’t he?”
“He pwomised to take me to Bear Pawrk tomorrow aftew dinnew.”
Restraining a smile, I wiggled my toes again. "You mean Berra Park?"
“That’s what I said – Bear Pawrk,” Elias grumbled.
The movement of my feet caused a pint-sized avalanche that drew a low growl from him. He glared at my slowly building laughter. “Can you see my cwabby? It’s getting bumpy.”
The name he had given to his – or any other – forehead furrowed in irritation nourished my humor until my shaking body eked an apology, but Nick’s entrance through the iron gates of the garden diverted his attention.
Cute! I loved it, but I had a little difficult with the concept of 'cwabby.' Otherwise, very good.
ReplyDeletePawrk tripped me up... I couldn't figure out how I'd say that quite aloud, I had to try it out, but I couldn't do it witout putting another vowel in there... like Pawark. The combo of wrk just seems a bit complex for usual kidlet talk.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, worked fine for me.
This is really cute, and I love the child's voice. The only thing I would watch is the inconsistency with him being unable to pronounce his R's in most words, but then he has no trouble with tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteI noticed I missed a couple "r"s after I sent it ... at 3 minutes before the deadline.
Whew...
Cwabby tripped me up a bit too. Other than that, it read very much like a little kid speaking.
ReplyDeleteNot bad. I can tell the characters apart and it's cute.
ReplyDeleteVery cute voice for the child—authentic and honest as only a four-year-old can manage. And definitely spot-on with the bit about the park—kids hear what they want to hear and that’s that. My only caution (not a dialogue response) is that there’s a lot of Telling from your MC’s POV (specifically the parts explaining why Nick is Elias’ hero and the forehead thing)—they might be told better in dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI did LOVE that opening bit about the cow with anorexia. Very unique and funny!!!
Aww, it's very cute! :D I had no problem understanding who was talking, and the "r"s are easily fixed. ;) (So that didn't distract me.)
ReplyDeleteI LOVED Supercow, by the way. ;) LOL. Made me laugh! Nice job.
~Merc
I got a little stuck on 'pawrk' too, but pawark would work I think. Otherwise it was a lovely cameo.
ReplyDelete'Supercow' is inspired!
I get what you're doing here, but I found the
ReplyDeletespeech, slowed the reading. Once the reader knows the character is a small child, you don't need to emphasise the accent so much.
I hope you don't use this speech to often through the book.
I thought this was really funny and cute. I love the boys difficulties with "r." "L" is another one I've noticed kids have trouble with.
ReplyDeleteI think Elias' trouble with r's is an authentic character trait for a four year old. But, I do agree that some of those w's stopped me in my tracks, as a reader. Even though I knew he was four.
ReplyDeleteYou could really play around with the way you type the r-less words out...
af-tuh
din-nuh
pawk
Just a thought.