TITLE: How to Save a Prince
GENRE: Fantasy
Before arriving in Teras, I was perfectly sane. But as soon as I stepped into that drafty old castle, I started hearing the voice. It followed me everywhere, making comments I should never have heard. Today was no different. Except I was locked in a storage closet with no escape and the voice blistered my ears with scathing insults. Fortunately, they weren't directed at me. Unfortunately, I was pretty sure I was going crazy.
"Talentless little brat. Worthless daughter of a …"
"Enough!" I pressed my hands to my ears.
"How dare she lock you in here?" it snapped. "Who does she think she is?"
"Evidently my classmates aren't excited to have me here." My head pounded and I pinched the bridge of my nose. I balanced on an upturned bucket that stank of antiseptic and dirty rags. The only things keeping me upright were my knees pressed against the door and my shoulders scraping against the sides of the closet.
I glanced at the watch pinned to my blouse. I'd been locked in here for over an hour. And the voice had barely taken a breath between insults.
"Why do they hate you so much?" it asked. It hovered somewhere above my left ear.
I shrugged. "I'm sure it has something to do with me being eight years older than most of the other students here. Or that I'm a farm girl from Youndlow." Or because I'm crazy and talking to voices that don't exist, I thought to myself.
I'm intrigued. I hate to sound like my 1980s copy of Empire Strikes back, but you can trim your language a little. "I was sane." If you want to add emphasis without using "perfectly", italicize "was". I don't think you need the "It followed" sentence because we know she shouldn't be hearing voices. Try to remove all was + ing phrases. They're passive. Be more active whenever possible. I'm not clear why she's balancing on a bucket. But you've got a nice voice (no pun intended) and the situation does interest me.
ReplyDeleteYes, actually. This intrigues me and I like the DL.
ReplyDeleteI like this except for the first paragraph which starts off telling rather than showing.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like fun. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWondering why she's standing on a bucket, and whether it's dark in the closet or if there's a light.
I'm hooked. Interesting situation; I like the MC's personality and voice...and the other voice too. lol :)
ReplyDeleteI like the setup, the unusual occurance happening to the main character, and the protagonist's voice. I have to question the time setting though. This is taking place in a castle, but they have things like "antiseptic"?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd suggest mentioning the MC's name right up front, as a lot of agents are turned off by not knowing the narrating character's name and gender right off the bat.
But I would definitely read on!!!!
I'm so-so on this one. I'd probably read more because I'm curious, but the hearing voices thing isn't hooking me as much as I'd like.
ReplyDeleteAnd she has a watch pinned to her shirt?
Too passive for me. I like the concept, but I think the narrative needs to be tightened. I also thought the protagonist was male until you mentioned the watch pinned to her blouse. It seems odd, not interesting, that she's eight years older than her classmates.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I liked her voice.
ReplyDeleteI agree you should clean up the first paragraph, especially the first few sentences. Don't need to reveal so much so bluntly.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you cut the first two sentences, and started at the third with "The voice" instead of "It." That might get the same point across, but without the two-by-four.
Not wild about the first paragraph and I think there room for some trimming but overall, I found this interesting. I was a bit confused about how a girl eight years younger could force the older girl into the closet or why she was standing on a bucket. The voice in her head was what got my attention. I'd keep reading for a few pages to see where it goes.
ReplyDeleteGood possibilities in this one, but I'm not blown away. I felt a little too rushed in the middle of something- there are too many elements that I feel I don't know enough about. There's the new castle, the voice, and the main character's age difference, but I don't know what any of these things relate to. The strange voice seems to be a pretty big thing that is just accepted by the narrator.
ReplyDeleteThis is cool. Yes.
ReplyDeleteOnly quibble is I imagine it's too dark in the closet for her to look at her watch.
Yes! :D I love what you've done with the opening and I'd definitely read on--great voice, humor and hook for me. Nice job!
ReplyDelete~Merc
I like this a lot--it's fun to have a protagonist who thinks she's going insane. But who isn't.
ReplyDeleteI got a little thrown out of the story when the voice talks to her, though. Before that, this suggests the voice had not spoken to her--at least that's the impression I get from "Fortunately they weren't directed at me." But the narrator isn't even a little bit phased when the voice addresses her, and she doesn't ask about who the "she" is that the voice thinks has locked her up-- and that doesn't seem quite right to me.
Also, I found the watch pinned to her blouse distractingly odd. It felt a bit like a somewhat clumsy device to show how long she'd been in the closet. Maybe it's actually farmgirl fashion, but it seemed strange to me.
I loved the narrator's answer to "Why do they hate you so much?" though. That last line is classic. I definitely want to read on.
I love this. :) It reminds me a bit of the Frog Princess by E.D. Baker. One suggestion -- cut "I thought to myself" in the last line. It dilutes the sentence by not really saying anything, and we can tell, and it's funnier without it. But I'd definitely keep reading. :D
ReplyDelete