TITLE: Blackberry Summer
GENRE: YA
Caney Forks, Tennessee; Summer, 1965
A biting sting scraped across Shelby’s scalp. Inching backward, she unwound a lock of auburn hair from another thorn. Numerous scratches burned her arms and legs. Shelby glanced down and was annoyed to see her shorts were filthy, and her pink tee shirt scarcely fared better. She absently swatted at a cloud of gnats hovering around her face.
“Eddie Pickens, you’re a no account lying piece of scum!” Shelby stamped her foot on the ground, frustrated at hearing herself talking like her country cousins. She knew Eddie was nearby, probably rolling in silent laughter as he listened to her thrashing about in the blackberry patch.
Shelby wondered now why she’d followed Eddie into the woods, especially after their encounter yesterday. He had poured some revolting goop into her hair, supposedly to repel ticks. What a mess that had been. She’d scrubbed her head for an hour and could still smell the stinch.
She hardly knew anything about Eddie, except that he was approximately a year older than her. They had met two weeks ago when she arrived at her grandparents’ house. Mammy liked him and hadn’t objected when he invited Shelby to come along today. Shelby knew now he had lured her out here for the pure pleasure of humiliating her, and she had fallen into his plot just as surely as Brer Rabbit. She couldn’t remember the details of the Uncle Remus tales from third grade, and wished she’d paid more attention to the lessons behind the stories.
Stinch? Stench maybe? Or stink?
ReplyDeleteThis starts well but turns passive and info-dumpy. I'm just not hooked. The conflict isn't enough, I don't know where you are going, and I don't love the character enough to want more.
This has a folksy feel which I think younger readers would like, but might be a hard sell for YA.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the commenter abouve about giving too much backstory in the second half.
I agree with the other posters about cutting down the exposition.
ReplyDeleteAnd Brer Rabbit was the trickster, not the victim... unless you are trying to show that she really doesn't know the Uncle Remus stories at all, you might want to try Brer Fox or Brer Bear.
Sorry, but not hooked. Almost all of this is backstory and nothing is really happening plot-wise in the moment other than the MC getting scratched up in the woods. The massive backstory chunk also makes this a heavy read.
ReplyDeleteIt was too passive for me. I would prefer to stick with her present situation and show what the antagonist Eddie is doing at the moment. Love the southern tone, but there's not enough spark or spunk here.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Too much background information pulled me out of the narrative. I started skimming at the midpoint. I need a bigger sense of immediate conflict or character intrigue to hook me.
ReplyDeleteA lot of adjectives in the first half. Might want cut those down a bit.
ReplyDeleteI think there's a fine mix of action and backstory. There's no "massive chunk of backstory" here. Of course, the action still has to go forward, probably pretty quick -- but let's all not forget this is only 250 words.
I found this to be lacking in a strong voice, and I just didn't connect with what was on the page. I'd work to make this less passive, and make your main character more colorful. The potential is there, but right now it just rides along not being bad, but not being good either.
ReplyDeleteCute. I would read on. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry, too passive for me. Ask yourself "What's going to happen to change the situation?" Then start the book there.
ReplyDeleteNo hook for me, sorry. I thought there was too much information in the second part, but the situation didn't really grab my attention.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
In general I like this. The conflict between the two kids is fun, as is Shelby's difficulty adjusting to the country. Sometimes the dialect is a bit over-the-top. Distracting.
ReplyDeleteAnd if Shelby notices herself sounding like her hick cousins and is annoyed by it, is she really going to be thinking things like "Mammy" and "stinch" in her head?
Still, I liked this and would enjoy reading more, I think.