I hate the dappled green of the waves.
Her world should be colorless, bleak, finished. Gritty sand between bare toes, heavy scent of salt and seaweed, the coos of silly piping birds, she didn’t deserve another sunrise.
If only, if only, if only—I want to go back in time, not forward.
The sheer emerald silk she wore didn’t help her shivers. Stupid caretakers, bringing slinky gowns to work for her to steal, instead of orange jumpsuits. She belonged behind bars, not in a nuthouse.
Chubby toes poking into the moat, giggling for pathetic mom to save her from the sea monsters, her little princess would have loved this masterpiece. She grasped a handful of damp sand and smacked it into the side of the castle.
Tears slid as she pushed herself from her soaked knees onto wobbly legs. A low growl tore through her, and she stomped her foot from moat to tower over and over.
A shadow down the beach drew her attention from killing the Castle of Lost Loved Ones. The small form suggested a child. Good thing she wasn’t behind the wheel, racing down this patch of firm sand or someone else might lose their family. She turned to flee before the youth saw her, the horizon a blur between ocean and daybreak.
Strange flash—hurts—
Dead, before her body hit the sand.
#
Spectrum of light. Chromatics. Color. Who cared? Aaron tossed the green pullover aside. His red sweatshirt, a long-ago attempt to brighten his boring wardrobe, had been Sarah’s favorite.
I was really confused as to who was talking when and why they seemed to be upset. A bit of clarification would be great, because you do have some amazing description of waves and a definite tension in one of the character's pov.
ReplyDeleteI love the opening line. And then I get really confused. You start with I and then the POV seems to move to she and her.
ReplyDeleteI would like to see this clarified. A pronoun of modifier if you're going to have multiple characters. Develop the background a little, you need to in sci-fi, no one knows this universe but you, and you need to make it real for the reader.
In my defense, the italics arent in. This is in third person narrator, but the lines of thought in first person should be italicized. Thanks for the comments, and sorry for that confusion.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the clarification. That helps understand the first half for sure. I'm still confused about the chubby toes and the shadow. The sensory details are good though.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, but too confusing for me. I'm not sure what's going. I imagine this is important to the plot of the story, but I think the ending after the # would be a better place to start.
ReplyDeleteYou have some good images, but I can't wrap my brain around the first character and it puts me off.
I like this opening a lot. You know I'm biased, since I've read this book and its sequels. I think starting with someone in the midst of emotional turmoil makes a refreshing change to all the chipper and sarcastic characters out there. I wish the italics hadn't gotten nixed, because the direct thoughts look confusing in the middle of third person narrative.
ReplyDeleteI still love using Aaron at the beginning best, but this opening works for me. :)
Sorry, but not hooked. There's a place for being vague, but not during a scene aimed to hook your readers. It distances readers from the story, and prevents them from emmersing themselves in the world.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a technical concern. I couldn't figure out if the castle was a really castle, or a sandcastle. If it's the former, then it doesn't work. Sand would never support the weight of a castle, nor would it be an effective defense against attackers (which is the point of building castles, after all).
I don't understand what is going on. It's much too vague, and I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is too confusing, but that's probably because of a) the loss of italics the writer posted about, or b) because this is only the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteIt's off to a good start. The confusion issue is definitely valid, but the writing is very well done.
I would keep reading because someone who writes this well is probably going to back it up with a good story, even if the first 250 words doesn't stand alone as a short story, which is what some critics on this site demand.
Great descriptions and hints at an interesting character. However, I was lost after the chubby toes line. I'm not sure if what is happening is real for the MC or experienced through someone else. With more clarity in place, I'd read on but at the moment, I'd have to pass.
ReplyDeleteCurious it's assumed the opening words about a woman without a name who dies on a beach is the MC. It's also clear I need to keep the chapter heading to date and place this as San Deigo, Ca. Thanks so much for the comments. It's been very helpful.
ReplyDeleteSome great imagery in here. I'm not confused esp once the issue of the italics is pointed out. Mother is grieving for dead child. The mother is well shown as depressed and feels her world is bleak. She's escaped from a mental asylym but she feels she should be in prison. She's thinking about the dead daughter and ends up destroying the sandcastle she's made. She sees another child on the beach and suddenly is killed in flash of light.
ReplyDeleteIt's an atmospheric opening. Myterious true but sometimes we don't need things spelt out as if we're simpletons.
Where's the confusion?
I have read this one several times since yesterday, and I'm still not sure exactly what I'm reading.
ReplyDeleteDid Aaron just kill the woman who is mourning the death of her child - which I think she killed. If I'm totally off, forgive me.
The writing here I find remarkable! The emotion you've managed to shove into this tiny snippet nearly overwhelms me.
I'm just sorry I'm being so dense and missing what's actually going on.
Not hooked. Is the first person the same as the woman on the beach? The italics would help, but I am still missing a sense of solidity. The sentences didn't quite add up. There is some beautiful word choice here, but there's no forward motion, no narrative thread. This entry illustrates the danger of being too poetic, and the consequence is leaving your reader with something too vague. My advice on this one is to keep some of the beautiful language, but counterpoint it with something solid.
ReplyDeleteSan Diego, California
ReplyDelete5:58 AM
July 8th
She hated the dappled green of the waves. Gritty sand oozed between her bare toes, the scent of salt and seaweed hung heavy, and the coos of silly piping birds made her long for a gun.
She glanced to the horizon, knowing she didn’t deserve another sunrise. A shiver ran through her. The sheer emerald silk she wore didn’t help. Stupid caretakers, bringing slinky gowns to work for her to steal, instead of orange jumpsuits. She belonged behind bars, not in a nuthouse.
She grasped a handful of damp sand and smacked it into the side of the castle. If her daughter were alive, her little princess would have loved this masterpiece.
She pushed herself from her soaked knees onto wobbly legs. Her low growl tore through her, and she stomped her foot from moat to tower over and over.
A small form down the beach drew her attention from killing the Castle of Lost Loved Ones. She turned to flee before the youth saw her, the sky a blur between ocean and daybreak.
Light flickered across the horizon—she fell forward, face smacking the sand, deader than a doorknob.
#
Spectrum of light. Chromatics. Color. Who cared? Aaron tossed the green pullover aside. His red sweatshirt, a long-ago attempt to brighten his boring wardrobe, had been Sarah’s favorite.
Half of me likes this - the voice is great and there is some really good workings here. But I'm not really sure what's going on in spots - especially the end part.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, no. While I get the idea she may be insane, I frankly had too difficult a time following any of this and couldn't find a reason to care.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I'm afraid I was very confused. I'm sure your original formatting would have helped some, but I'm not sure it would have solved the entire problem.
ReplyDeleteI agree with some of the others that some of the language here is beautiful, though.
Still, I need to be able to follow the story better to be truly hooked.