Sym was about to lose face and lose his head, and he didn't know which prospect terrified him more. He sat at the edge of his pallet, wondering why he got up.
Sym was about to lose face and lose his head, and he didn't know which prospect terrified him more. He sat at the edge of his pallet, wondering why he got up.
This didn't really pull me in at all. Sorry. I feel like I need some more concrete details.
I feel that Sym is facing an impending doom . . . so the second line should convey that better. Sym's reaction seems like it should be more than just sitting up and wondering.
The humor in "losing face" and "losing his head" takes away from the tension here, IMO. Also, losing face seems doesn't seem to matter too much when Sym is about to die, though I could see how his family might be disgraced by association.
I agree with Lady Glamis that sitting around and wondering doesn't seem like a strong reaction to me.
I'd say losing your head over losing face would definitly win for more terrifying. :) Sorry, comparing these two unequal things and then his wondering rather than acting didn't offer any tension or pull me into the story.
"he'd got up" I think... I could be wrong. There is a voice trying to be heard, but I think you could edit and make this opening even stronger. I'd start by killing some "ands"
Ditto on lady_glamis' comments. Though vague-ness can work, I find it's more of a distraction in the very beginning of a novel when, as a reader, I want to sink my teeth into something tangible and real.
The second sentence left me confused as to what is going on. After the 'terrifying' prospects in the first sentence, he just sits up, and I'm wondering whether the scene is all that urgent. Is he thinking? About to confront someone? Doing something he's not supposed to? Or...
I kinda like the humor in the first sentence, but the second left me flat. I wanted to grab Sym around the throat, get right in his face and yell, "For God's sake, DO something, man! This is no time to be sitting on a pallet in a state of terminal confusion!"
Do you really need that second sentence, or could you toss it altogether? This is the sort of question that keeps me up at night....
Heh, actually, I really LIKE the humor--it made me cackle. The second line is a bit jarring as it doesn't seem to connect with the first one well, but I did adore the opener. O:) I'd read on for sure.
Sym was about to lose face and lose his head, and he didn't know which prospect terrified him more. He sat at the edge of his pallet, wondering why he got up.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't really pull me in at all. Sorry. I feel like I need some more concrete details.
I feel that Sym is facing an impending doom . . . so the second line should convey that better. Sym's reaction seems like it should be more than just sitting up and wondering.
The humor in "losing face" and "losing his head" takes away from the tension here, IMO. Also, losing face seems doesn't seem to matter too much when Sym is about to die, though I could see how his family might be disgraced by association.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lady Glamis that sitting around and wondering doesn't seem like a strong reaction to me.
I'd say losing your head over losing face would definitly win for more terrifying. :) Sorry, comparing these two unequal things and then his wondering rather than acting didn't offer any tension or pull me into the story.
ReplyDelete"he'd got up" I think... I could be wrong. There is a voice trying to be heard, but I think you could edit and make this opening even stronger. I'd start by killing some "ands"
ReplyDeleteDitto on lady_glamis' comments. Though vague-ness can work, I find it's more of a distraction in the very beginning of a novel when, as a reader, I want to sink my teeth into something tangible and real.
ReplyDeleteFirst line could be stronger, but it definitely needs a better follow up. He's already wondering.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely missing a had in the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like the humour, and would read on assuming there would be more :)
The second sentence left me confused as to what is going on. After the 'terrifying' prospects in the first sentence, he just sits up, and I'm wondering whether the scene is all that urgent. Is he thinking? About to confront someone? Doing something he's not supposed to? Or...
ReplyDeleteDidn't hook me.
Too many and's in the first sentence. I would rewrite it. I like the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence. But, I would rewrite the second sentence with a stronger voice.
ReplyDeleteHe sat at the edge of his pallet wondering, "why did I even bother to get up if I am just going to kill myself?"
Thanks for the comments so far! Great feedback. I'm on the fence on this opening, so I appreciate your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI kinda like the humor in the first sentence, but the second left me flat. I wanted to grab Sym around the throat, get right in his face and yell, "For God's sake, DO something, man! This is no time to be sitting on a pallet in a state of terminal confusion!"
ReplyDeleteDo you really need that second sentence, or could you toss it altogether? This is the sort of question that keeps me up at night....
Heh, actually, I really LIKE the humor--it made me cackle. The second line is a bit jarring as it doesn't seem to connect with the first one well, but I did adore the opener. O:) I'd read on for sure.
ReplyDelete~Merc