I smuggled alcohol to the Speakeasies in New Orleans. Dirt roads and flammable liquor, an adrenaline charge that kept me taking chances, even knowing if I got caught I might not see the outside again.
I smuggled alcohol to the Speakeasies in New Orleans. Dirt roads and flammable liquor, an adrenaline charge that kept me taking chances, even knowing if I got caught I might not see the outside again.
I like this! It's descriptive and has a great tone, as Karen stated above.
But would a person be locked up forever if they were caught smuggling alcohol? I guess that, right there, would keep me reading!
I like all the vividness here, and I'd definitely read on. There's something about that first sentence, though, that just seems out of place. Maybe it's too ... direct?
The problem with the second sentence is that it isn't a sentence.
Maybe something like
Dirt roads and flammable liquor fueled an adrenaline charge that kept me taking chances, even knowing if I got caught I might not see the outside again.
Great setting. It conveys tone and place right at the get-go.
ReplyDeleteI smuggled alcohol to the Speakeasies in New Orleans. Dirt roads and flammable liquor, an adrenaline charge that kept me taking chances, even knowing if I got caught I might not see the outside again.
ReplyDeleteI like this! It's descriptive and has a great tone, as Karen stated above.
But would a person be locked up forever if they were caught smuggling alcohol? I guess that, right there, would keep me reading!
Great Showing for the time and setting, as well as the conflict. However, the second sentence feels incomplete, like there's a "but" missing.
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with the sentences, but it just doesn't sound like my kind of story, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood setup. Very engaging, but it doesn't sound like my kind of story. Other than that, it's good.
ReplyDeleteI love it. Interesting.. would definately read more..
ReplyDeletei like it. I would definately read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Inkblot and fairchild. Well written, got some hook, just not one I'm personally interested in.
ReplyDeleteI like all the vividness here, and I'd definitely read on. There's something about that first sentence, though, that just seems out of place. Maybe it's too ... direct?
ReplyDeleteIt has hook-value, but something feels wrong about the second sentence. Sorry, I can't pinpoint what.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Inky, too. It's a good opening, just doesn't sound like my kind of story (although anything flammable is good!). :)
ReplyDelete~Merc
(Yes, I'm very late to the party.)
ReplyDeleteThe problem with the second sentence is that it isn't a sentence.
Maybe something like
Dirt roads and flammable liquor fueled an adrenaline charge that kept me taking chances, even knowing if I got caught I might not see the outside again.