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Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 2

Devlin, second son of Shamor House, was cutting time close. He took the wide central stairs two at a time, his blood still rushing from a vigorous workout with the sword master.

16 comments:

  1. Devlin, second son of Shamor House, was cutting time close. He took the wide central stairs two at a time, his blood still rushing from a vigorous workout with the sword master.

    Nice sentence structure. It pulls me in and gives me enough information to be supremely interested.

    I'd keep reading!

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  2. I like this. My only nit would be that if it's historical, you might want to rethink your word choice (ex - cutting time close, workout).

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  3. I find the "second son of Shamor House" distracting; do we really need to know that right now?

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  4. I agree with sandra; the second son of Shamor House is distracting.

    "Was cutting" is a passive gerund clause, and I think this opening would be stronger with a different word choice.

    There's also a lot of adjectives.

    Try something like:

    With his blood still rushing from a workout with the sword master, Devlin took the stairs two at a time.
    He couldn't be late.

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  5. I like it, but agree that it could be stronger (ala kat's suggestion). The language immediately made me think fantasy rather than historical.

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  6. What is the connection between taking the stairs two at a time and blood still rushing? Do you want to point out that even though his blood was still rushing he was still able to take the stairs two at a time. Or did taking the stairs two at a time make his blood rush even more?

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  7. Interesting start, I'd give you a few more pages to grab my interest.

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  8. Whose POV are we in? It sounds more like author omniscient than firmly in Devlin's voice. Also, the passive voice in the first sentence is distracting.

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  9. So-so. It sounds like the beginning of something that's not usually my thing (epic/high fantasy or historical), but it's not terrible. I think it would depend on the blurb and the following few paragraphs :)

    Agree that it could be made a littler snappier, though :)

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  10. This is good. Lots of urgency. Keywords like 'Shamor House,' 'central stairs,' and 'sword master' give me a good sense that the MC belongs to a wealthy family, as well as a good sense of time and setting.

    I'd read on.

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  11. I agree the "was cutting" could be re-worked. The second sentence seems stronger. But altogether this is a good opening.

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  12. Like others, "second son of Shamor House" bothered me, and because it is infodumpish and reeks of a narrator POV. I like the second sentence, though.

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  13. I agree, I would remove the second son of Shamor House threw me. It makes the sentence clumsy.

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  14. I would read on, although I agree that second son of Shamor House is distracting.

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  15. Since I don't know what/who the Shamor House is, and so don't care yet (and it doesn't stand out to me as a name/title I would immediately want to know more about), I too found the description distracting.

    I also agree tightening up the sentence could improve it as a hookier opening.

    Sword masters, of course, always get my attention ;) but I think it needs a bit more tightening before it'd really grab me.

    Good luck,

    ~Merc

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  16. I was also attracted to the swordmaster; I wanted a bit more grit and atmosphere in the opening to set the mood, and a little less titles and names; would definitely read on

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