Devlin, second son of Shamor House, was cutting time close. He took the wide central stairs two at a time, his blood still rushing from a vigorous workout with the sword master.
Devlin, second son of Shamor House, was cutting time close. He took the wide central stairs two at a time, his blood still rushing from a vigorous workout with the sword master.
Nice sentence structure. It pulls me in and gives me enough information to be supremely interested.
What is the connection between taking the stairs two at a time and blood still rushing? Do you want to point out that even though his blood was still rushing he was still able to take the stairs two at a time. Or did taking the stairs two at a time make his blood rush even more?
Whose POV are we in? It sounds more like author omniscient than firmly in Devlin's voice. Also, the passive voice in the first sentence is distracting.
So-so. It sounds like the beginning of something that's not usually my thing (epic/high fantasy or historical), but it's not terrible. I think it would depend on the blurb and the following few paragraphs :)
Agree that it could be made a littler snappier, though :)
This is good. Lots of urgency. Keywords like 'Shamor House,' 'central stairs,' and 'sword master' give me a good sense that the MC belongs to a wealthy family, as well as a good sense of time and setting.
Since I don't know what/who the Shamor House is, and so don't care yet (and it doesn't stand out to me as a name/title I would immediately want to know more about), I too found the description distracting.
I also agree tightening up the sentence could improve it as a hookier opening.
Sword masters, of course, always get my attention ;) but I think it needs a bit more tightening before it'd really grab me.
I was also attracted to the swordmaster; I wanted a bit more grit and atmosphere in the opening to set the mood, and a little less titles and names; would definitely read on
Devlin, second son of Shamor House, was cutting time close. He took the wide central stairs two at a time, his blood still rushing from a vigorous workout with the sword master.
ReplyDeleteNice sentence structure. It pulls me in and gives me enough information to be supremely interested.
I'd keep reading!
I like this. My only nit would be that if it's historical, you might want to rethink your word choice (ex - cutting time close, workout).
ReplyDeleteI find the "second son of Shamor House" distracting; do we really need to know that right now?
ReplyDeleteI agree with sandra; the second son of Shamor House is distracting.
ReplyDelete"Was cutting" is a passive gerund clause, and I think this opening would be stronger with a different word choice.
There's also a lot of adjectives.
Try something like:
With his blood still rushing from a workout with the sword master, Devlin took the stairs two at a time.
He couldn't be late.
I like it, but agree that it could be stronger (ala kat's suggestion). The language immediately made me think fantasy rather than historical.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the connection between taking the stairs two at a time and blood still rushing? Do you want to point out that even though his blood was still rushing he was still able to take the stairs two at a time. Or did taking the stairs two at a time make his blood rush even more?
ReplyDeleteInteresting start, I'd give you a few more pages to grab my interest.
ReplyDeleteWhose POV are we in? It sounds more like author omniscient than firmly in Devlin's voice. Also, the passive voice in the first sentence is distracting.
ReplyDeleteSo-so. It sounds like the beginning of something that's not usually my thing (epic/high fantasy or historical), but it's not terrible. I think it would depend on the blurb and the following few paragraphs :)
ReplyDeleteAgree that it could be made a littler snappier, though :)
This is good. Lots of urgency. Keywords like 'Shamor House,' 'central stairs,' and 'sword master' give me a good sense that the MC belongs to a wealthy family, as well as a good sense of time and setting.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
I agree the "was cutting" could be re-worked. The second sentence seems stronger. But altogether this is a good opening.
ReplyDeleteLike others, "second son of Shamor House" bothered me, and because it is infodumpish and reeks of a narrator POV. I like the second sentence, though.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I would remove the second son of Shamor House threw me. It makes the sentence clumsy.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, although I agree that second son of Shamor House is distracting.
ReplyDeleteSince I don't know what/who the Shamor House is, and so don't care yet (and it doesn't stand out to me as a name/title I would immediately want to know more about), I too found the description distracting.
ReplyDeleteI also agree tightening up the sentence could improve it as a hookier opening.
Sword masters, of course, always get my attention ;) but I think it needs a bit more tightening before it'd really grab me.
Good luck,
~Merc
I was also attracted to the swordmaster; I wanted a bit more grit and atmosphere in the opening to set the mood, and a little less titles and names; would definitely read on
ReplyDelete