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Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 3

I named her Whisper. It's the only sound she made in her fleeting moments on earth.

21 comments:

  1. wow. heavy. who is whisper? why was her life so brief? im intrigued!

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  2. This got my attention. Great opening, IMHO! :-)

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  3. Great emotional lines. I'd certainly read more.

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  4. After breezing through the lines here, this one is my favorite.

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  5. I named her Whisper. It's the only sound she made in her fleeting moments on earth.

    Wow. You've obviously captured interest with this line! I do think, however, that the "it's" should be "it was" since I see that the event clearly happened in the past.

    Good job on hooking everyone! Including me.

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  6. I like this as well. Opens up lots of questions. Good choice of words, flows very smoothly.

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  7. This is great. It actually made me feel a wave of sadness. Great job in just two sentences.

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  8. This one is amazing! And one of my favorites! Great job!

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  9. Eek! Sounds depressing. I'd skip that. I'm against things dying at the moment.

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  10. I liked this. I want to know what Whisper was and why she died so fast. I don't mind the "It's" but I do that all the time, so maybe that's personal...I'm wondering if you need it to be "It's the only sound she'd made..." Like she HAD made, and now she's dead. (?) I don't know, I tend to go overboard on the had's too.

    Ahem. It was great!

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  11. I'm definitely intrigued. There's a great voice and depth of emotion here, but I think "fleeting" detracts from it bit since that word's been so overused in emotional scenes in the last few years.

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  12. This is one of my two favourites :o) Nice work.

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  13. Excellent intrigue. These lines show very little, but say so much. It spawns a whole range of questions that I want to know the answer to, so yes, I would definitely read on. Great job!

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  14. Short, but oh so intriguing. Great job!

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  15. I really liked it, and I would DEFINITELY read on from this! It brings up a lot of questions and has good emotion and I like the tone. Great job! :D

    ~Merc

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  16. It's got me thinking who or what would whisper in a fleeting moment of a short life. I would read on to find out. Is it a ghost? A baby? Or maybe an Angel?

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  17. I really like this, except for the "fleeting moments." The expression is too trite to do justice to weight in your story (at least, the weight I'm sensing in these two lines).

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  18. fleeting moments was hard to fit in; not sure why it just felt awkward (I'm sure you caught a trend there from other posts already); otherwise it's beautiful and I want to read it :)

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