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Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 4

Darkness clouded my sight. Pain flashed through my skull...

14 comments:

  1. This verges on the much-maligned "waking up" opener, so I'm not sure what to say about it without reading more. Not that a "waking up" opener always is a bad thing, but you need to be aware that it is much-maligned. (This may not be that kind of opening at all, but it reads like one in the first two sentences.)

    Why the ellipsis at the end of the second sentence?

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  2. Darkness clouded my sight. Pain flashed through my skull...

    I agree with disorderly in the fact that this verges on the much-maligned "waking up" opener. But don't worry - I did the same thing with my first novel - and ended up changing it. MIne was a little cliched.

    Would darkness simply "cloud" the character's sight, or would it completely overtake his/her sight?

    I like the verb "flashed." That works well.

    I am intrigued! I'd like to know what's happening here. But is the sentence finished? I don't understand the ellipsis. If it is finished, you should end it with four ellipsis.

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  3. I disagree. I don't think your character is waking up from a night's sleep in bed. I read it as active - he/she just got injured - he/she might have been awake. If thats the case, wouldn't the pain come first?

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  4. This feels a little--just a little--too in the middle of something for me. To keep being interested, I'd want to know what caused the pain pretty quick. But probably that's in sentence three? Also, like disorderly, I'm confused by the ellipsis.

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  5. I wouldn't read on. Feels too disembodied. I'd like a short little something before the darkness.

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  6. I would switch the two sentences. Wouldn't the pain happen first then the darkness?

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  7. Really not enough here to make a decision. This could be really good, or really bad. The good news is I'll give the rest of the page to win me over.

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  8. WAY too passive for my tastes. If the character is in pain, we need to feel that too. Call on your five senses to write scenes like this, rather than just throw words like "pain" at us. HOW did it hurt?

    The first line is kinda cliche, too.

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  9. Agree with Raylynne that it's a little /too/ in the middle of the action for my tastes. Depending on the blurb, I'd read on and give it another page or so, but it's a bit... I don't know, stark? This did this. This did this. <- very plain sentence structure, which can feel listy if overused.

    So, I'm reading on, but warily.

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  10. It felt too passive and ambiguous for me. The MC could be waking up, blindfolded, blind, in a dark room, etc, etc. The ambiguity and lack of urgency didn't help to pull me in, so I would not read on.

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  11. IMO, it's too telling. I read pain and darkness, but I can't sense it. Sorry

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  12. I don't really get a sense of the character here, and like Luc2 said, it feels a bit telling. It's also right in the middle of something, and I feel disoriented trying to get into it right away.

    Why the ellipses?

    I would give it a few lines, but can't say I'm hooked or grabbed here, sorry.

    ~Merc

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  13. How does pain flash through? Pain ususally stays.

    I agree that it feels like in the middle of something, not an opening line..

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  14. I like this as an opening line. I'd prefer, actually, to see the two sentences joined with a semicolon.

    I feel like the verb choices are weak. Pain flashed, particularly so, how does pain flash? I want something more gritty and feel oriented for a pain verb...

    "Pain stomped through my skull, knocking over all the furniture."

    Or, a more serious tone...

    "Pain knifed through my brain, scattering thought and muscle function."

    Overall, it's got action, energy, and I'd read on ;)

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