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Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 30

I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants under the table and met the gaze of my brother’s one-time fiancée. At least that was the word I recalled Chesser using when he spoke of Anastassia Delyn in the weeks before his death.

11 comments:

  1. I need to see more to get hooked. This just isn't enough for me.

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  2. I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants under the table and met the gaze of my brother’s one-time fiancée. At least that was the word I recalled Chesser using when he spoke of Anastassia Delyn in the weeks before his death.

    I'm hooke. I'm interested to know what "one-time fiancée" means - that's a strange phrase and as me wondering...

    Hmmm, wonder how he died, too. And why is this fiancée still with the family? And why is the narrator nervous? I would keep reading.

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  3. I don't think you really need "I recalled" in the second sentence; by tightening the sentence, you could make it stronger.

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  4. I'm intrigued. Good showing of emotion, rather than telling us, and nice segue into the pertinent backstory without hitting us over the head with it. yes, I definitely think I'd read more.

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  5. Ditto Just_me. Doesn't sound like my cup of tea.

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  6. Hmm. Doesn't quite do it for me. He's a guy who is nervous about meeting his dead brother's ex, who he seems to be in love with. Not my thing, I guess.

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  7. I've seen earlier versions of this, and now I don't remember what they said! I like this one, though, particularly the wiping of sweaty palms under the table. That gives us insight into the POV character right away. :-)

    When are you going to quit mucking around with this and start submitting the darn thing? ;-)

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  8. I really like this. Definitely has me asking questions, and I already sympathize with the MC.

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  9. I'm hooked. I almost think that she killed the brother.

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  10. Two sentences that contain a lot of intrigue; I'm hooked.

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