I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants under the table and met the gaze of my brother’s one-time fiancée. At least that was the word I recalled Chesser using when he spoke of Anastassia Delyn in the weeks before his death.
I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants under the table and met the gaze of my brother’s one-time fiancée. At least that was the word I recalled Chesser using when he spoke of Anastassia Delyn in the weeks before his death.
I'm hooke. I'm interested to know what "one-time fiancée" means - that's a strange phrase and as me wondering...
Hmmm, wonder how he died, too. And why is this fiancée still with the family? And why is the narrator nervous? I would keep reading.
I'm intrigued. Good showing of emotion, rather than telling us, and nice segue into the pertinent backstory without hitting us over the head with it. yes, I definitely think I'd read more.
Hmm. Doesn't quite do it for me. He's a guy who is nervous about meeting his dead brother's ex, who he seems to be in love with. Not my thing, I guess.
I've seen earlier versions of this, and now I don't remember what they said! I like this one, though, particularly the wiping of sweaty palms under the table. That gives us insight into the POV character right away. :-)
When are you going to quit mucking around with this and start submitting the darn thing? ;-)
I need to see more to get hooked. This just isn't enough for me.
ReplyDeleteI wiped my sweaty palms on my pants under the table and met the gaze of my brother’s one-time fiancée. At least that was the word I recalled Chesser using when he spoke of Anastassia Delyn in the weeks before his death.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooke. I'm interested to know what "one-time fiancée" means - that's a strange phrase and as me wondering...
Hmmm, wonder how he died, too. And why is this fiancée still with the family? And why is the narrator nervous? I would keep reading.
I don't think you really need "I recalled" in the second sentence; by tightening the sentence, you could make it stronger.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. Good showing of emotion, rather than telling us, and nice segue into the pertinent backstory without hitting us over the head with it. yes, I definitely think I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteDitto Just_me. Doesn't sound like my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Doesn't quite do it for me. He's a guy who is nervous about meeting his dead brother's ex, who he seems to be in love with. Not my thing, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI've seen earlier versions of this, and now I don't remember what they said! I like this one, though, particularly the wiping of sweaty palms under the table. That gives us insight into the POV character right away. :-)
ReplyDeleteWhen are you going to quit mucking around with this and start submitting the darn thing? ;-)
I really like this. Definitely has me asking questions, and I already sympathize with the MC.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I almost think that she killed the brother.
ReplyDeleteTwo sentences that contain a lot of intrigue; I'm hooked.
ReplyDelete