Talbot blamed his mother for the fact he’d spent the majority of the summer impersonating a nun.
His father, a physics professor at the University of California at Berkeley, abandoned his family the day he’d learned that his wife and children were all werewolves.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Completely hooked. A guy impersonating a nun and a physics professor--sounds like fun to me!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is good enough to hook me, I'll keep reading.
ReplyDeleteLove the first sentence!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if the second sentence is necessary here... it's hard to tell from 2 sentences.
First sentence is great. But the first and second sentence seem like they are from different stories.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like you're starting with a lot of backstory, and I want action to begin with.
I like the first sentence and I like the second sentence. However, they just don't work together.
ReplyDelete"Talbot blamed his mother for the fact he’d spent the majority of the summer impersonating a nun.
ReplyDeleteHis father, a physics professor at the University of California at Berkeley, abandoned his family the day he’d learned that his wife and children were all werewolves."
The second sentence was a surprise after the first one. But the revelation that a werewolf spent the summer impersonating a nun jut adds to the intrigue as far as I'm concerned. We don't know yet how recently the father abandoned the family, either. That might not be very far back story, and I'd be willing to read on to find out.
Talbot blamed his mother for the fact he’d spent the majority of the summer impersonating a nun.
ReplyDeleteHis father, a physics professor at the University of California at Berkeley, abandoned his family the day he’d learned that his wife and children were all werewolves.
Interesting beginning, that's for sure! I would keep reading! Wonder if the physics professor is in danger now for abandoning his werewolf family...
You don't need the "he'd" in the second sentence. It can just be "he".
Great first line. I'd read more.
ReplyDeletethe first sentence was great. the second, though, completely lost me. They seem so unrelated I don't really understand why they're together. They look like two separate paragraphs but i think it would still make much more sense to start explaining why he dressed up as a nun or something related to the nun/mom issue.
ReplyDeleteIf it was just the first sentence alone, I'd read on, but the second one would make me stop. I kind of feel like you're trying too hard to grab the reader.
Great job on the first sentence though! it's really interesting and original.
The first sentence hooked me. I'd didn't get the connection to the two sentences, but would read more to find it.
ReplyDeleteLove the first sentence, but the second doesn't seem to follow on well.
ReplyDeleteI'd read, based on the shiny first line :)
I didn't like the use of for the fact.
ReplyDeleteNot a genre I read but interesting concept.
The two lines don't seem to connect. The 1st is enough for a setup; the second is just backstory to me.
ReplyDeleteThere's something off about the first line...I think 'for the fact' should be 'for his spending.'
Interesting premise, but werewolves aren't my thing.
LOL! Love the first sentence!
ReplyDeleteThe second seems to be trying a bit too hard. Do you need to spell out the entire name of the university, or could you just say "Berkeley"? "That" and "all" are extra words.
I'd read on. :-)
I was hooked at the first sentence. The second, with the werewolf comment, cemented it for me. More please!
ReplyDeleteI like your wording in both of these, but like emily said I am having a hard time seeing how the two tie in together. His mother is mentioned in the first one, then his father, and I get a bit lost.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the first line!
ReplyDeleteThe second, however, jarred me completely out of the story as it didn't seem to connect at all and felt far too much like back story.
If you could start the second line somewhere else, it'd be great. :)
I'd read on for a bit for the opener, though.
~Merc
Sorry, but this is too outrageous to interest me. Like others, I feel the two sentences are disconnected.
ReplyDelete