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Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 41

Molly Mavis Gumnut shivered as she pushed her doll pram up the garden path. She wheeled it into the garage and slammed the door.

17 comments:

  1. This doesn't sound like a genre I usually read, but it's a good hooky opening. I think I'd go on for a few more pages before I made a decision.

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  2. Love the name. I think the - slammed the door- is the hook. Thats what shows that something is wrong.

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  3. Gumnut -- that's classic.

    I love the name, and I'd read on simply for that reason.

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  4. How could anyone not be captivated by that character's name? That poor girl had no choice but to become petulant -- which you show nicely when she slams the door.

    Good job! :-)

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  5. The name more than anything else grabbed my attention.

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  6. Molly Mavis Gumnut shivered as she pushed her doll pram up the garden path. She wheeled it into the garage and slammed the door.

    I want to add "Miss" Molly Mavis Gamnut to the name because she sounds so prissy and full of life!

    Yes, slammed the door is the hook here. I think describing the garden path might help, though. Is it a cold garden path? Is that why she shivered? Is it dark? Scary? Clean-cut? I think you could suggest a lot with this - but you know, it's just the first two lines, so don't overdo it, either.

    Also, which door did she slam? It's hard to slam a garage door, I would think. So is it the door into the house? I think a little more explanation here might help, too.

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  7. I’m guessing this is kids or middle grade fiction, right? That being the case, I feel that the language feels removed from the character’s POV and doesn’t draw the reader in. For example, how many people refer to themselves (in their own thoughts) by their first, middle, and last names?

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  8. This was so different, that I really wanted to read more.

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  9. This one's neither here nor there. Assuming it's children's fiction, I don't actually expect anything to out-there-hooky, so this is fine. I'd keep reading.

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  10. Good golly Miss Molly! She sounds as though she is definitely in a snit about something. I would keep reading.

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  11. lady glamis, I originally had written that she wheeled it into the garage through the side entrance and slammed the door. I took that part out now I think I will put it back. Thankyou.

    Molly Mavis Gumnut shivered as she pushed her doll pram up the garden path. She wheeled it into the garage through the side entrance and slammed the door.

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  12. Hey, this sounds familiar! :) And I would read on - I already have. good job.

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  13. I don't think this is my genre, but it's an interesting start. Her unusual name and the slamming door connect to create a feeling of annoyance or irritation, without saying too much.

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  14. I like this. It doesn't try to set up too much, or explain everything that is going on, it just starts with an action and moves on from there. I would definitely keep reading.

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  15. Thank you folks. I'm so happy with all the comments. This is a Chapter book for children aged seven to nine.

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  16. Thank you every one. I have been looking for a suitable name for my character for a while. It's great to know that this one worked. It's a children's chapter book for kids aged seven to ten.

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