My colleagues warned me not to accept this assignment, but I was young (relatively) and foolish (definitely) and I needed to prove myself. It should have been a simple job: escort my client to and from the Mocking Bard and make sure no one harasses, hunts, or harms him.
That's a big chunk of words for two sentences! but it does set up the conflict and action well.
ReplyDeleteThe tense in the second sentence doesn't sound right to me. Since this took place in the past, I'd say "harrassed, hunted, or harmed him."
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued.
I don't like the paranthesis. Maybe saying what the job is takes away some of the mystery? I do like the first sentence. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely no paranthesis...
ReplyDeleteespecially if all you're doing is putting adverbs in them.
Sorry, the paranthesis have to go.
ReplyDeleteNormally I'd suggest you lose the parentheses, but they work nicely here.
ReplyDeleteIf you wanted make the second sentence more active, you could chuck the "it" and go directly for the jugular with "The job should have been simple."
I'd keep reading. :-)
My colleagues warned me not to accept this assignment, but I was young (relatively) and foolish (definitely) and I needed to prove myself. It should have been a simple job: escort my client to and from the Mocking Bard and make sure no one harasses, hunts, or harms him.
ReplyDeleteI think you can lose the parentheses for sure. They really don't add anything to the story - nothing you can't add later, more smoothly. You could get rid of the second "I" right before "needed":
but I was young and foolish and needed to prove myself.
I agree with sandra with the past tense on the last words.
Good job, though. I would keep reading to find out if somebody did harass, hunt, or harm him. :)
Interesting. Good sense of setting, conflict, and hints to who our narrator is. I would most definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It shows the author has control, and I didn't think the paranthesis took away from it. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice you set up in the first sentence (love the parentheses!). Something of it doesn't quite carry through into the second sentence, though.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on :)
I thought the parenthesis were gimmicky (kinda).
ReplyDeleteDidn't care too much for the parenthesis or the shift in tense, but the premise is interesting.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the usage of paranthesis. I also don't like the use of adverbs.
ReplyDeleteyoung and foolish is also a cliche.
That being said... I like the idea of the story.
I liked it, but found the parenthesis distracting in the opening. I liked it though and would read on.
ReplyDeleteIt made me wonder to whom he needs to prove himself. I'm unsure how I feel about the parenthesis, I go back and forth. I would fix the tense problem in the last line. I'd most likely read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked the attitude and voice the paranthesed(sp?) comments added to the cliche. But it was the second sentence that hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI think the parentheses need to come before the words they are modifying...it flows better. Personally, I would cut them altogether.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think it works for a good opening.