The castle's inhabitants never suffered delusions of grandeur. No love-struck princess would degrade herself to seek refuge in the stocky towers, and no noble prince would see the point in storming the tattered gates. Its humble form inspired no poet to greatness or tourist to ask for souvenir postcards. In fact, its only claim to fame would be the speed in which one forgot its very existence.
Yet Lexy Newberry's heart pounded with the fear she'd forgotten not only the castle, but something much more important. Something she had no business forgetting.
"Lexy?" Her concentration shattered with Cara's voice. "Sorry I'm late."
"That," Lexy pointed to her friend, "is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen."
An odd look of pride settled over Cara's features. "Yes," she smiled. "It is, isn't it?"
"You meant for it to look that way?"
Cara chuckled. "I don't think it's possible to create the world's ugliest castle by accident."
"I'll never understand you business types," Lexy said. The feeling had slipped away. Whatever memory it held bothered her no more.
Cara pulled her back a few steps. "I did it to create a mood." She spread her arms wide.
"Welcome to the lost island of Dresdonia."
"It's not lost," Lexy said. "It's abandoned. Everyone moved to Disney World. They wanted a real castle."
You had me at 'world's ugliest castle.'
ReplyDeleteThe last line wraps it up really well! I'm not so sure about some of the wording, and the transition between whatever was bothering Lexi to her speaking with Cara was a bit rocky, but overall I'd say I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry... :#[
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't do anything for me, but that may be because Romance is not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteYes, I liked. I really enjoyed your voice. :)
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph comes across as omniscient viewpoint, then you switch to third.
ReplyDeleteSince omniscient isn't used much these days, I'd make it clearer that you are in the heroine's head in that first paragraph.
I got stuck on the first line, but that might be because I live near Dallas and there aren't any castles here. If you take that out (which I'm guessing you probably can't), I like the rest of it.
ReplyDeletebrimfire
I'm liking this so far, lots of potential. I love that everyone else moved to Disney.
ReplyDeleteCute. I like the little hints dropped in. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteLOVE that last line. Interesting set up. I'm not sure if I'm hooked quite yet, but I'd probably read until the end of the chapter to see if plot/tension is introduced.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph was dense and felt totally different than the following lines.
ReplyDeleteSo...not quite hooked, sorry.
This is very good. The voice is fresh, the humor comes aross naturally, without seeming at all forced.
ReplyDeleteThere is a bit of a disconnect, however, between the comment about her heart pound with fear and the general light-heartedness of the rest of the piece. Clarify that.
I also agree that the first paragraph needs to be tweaked slightly so the reader knows that we are reading Lexi's POV.