Title: PLACEHOLDERS
Genre: YA fantasy
Hovering near the ceiling, I backstroked through the kitchen. I hoped the dreaded event would just happen already. I didn't want to witness said event, but it was inevitable, so I practiced my swimming maneuvers as the yelling below me became louder.
A moment later, a clatter forced me to look down. A tall brown-haired man towered over his wife, who had fallen to the floor. The knife block lay on its side with the knives spilling across the tile. As the blonde woman struggled to find her balance, her fingers closed around the handle of a six-inch blade.
I braced myself for the impact.
She plunged the knife into her husband's stomach. I gasped in pain, feeling the hot slice in my own belly. The man's face turned white, his shout cut off mid-sentence. He fumbled at the woman's hands, his mouth dropping open. I knew my face mirrored his.
She pulled the knife out and the blazing heat receded in my gut. Until she jabbed the blade in again, a little higher this time. It scraped my ribs, piercing a lung. I couldn't breathe. I sucked at the air, desperate for my body to work properly, thoughts that weren't mine clouding my mind.
Below me, the man fell to the ground, the knife still in his chest. Blinding pain shot through the left side of my body—no wonder the mortal lay incapacitated. I hovered as still as possible, waiting for the crossover.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You have an interesting scene here, but I'm not hooked by the choice of words.
ReplyDelete"the dreaded event" and "said event" feels generic. I understand what you're doing, but it's not something that will keep my attention.
"I gasped in pain..." I think would have been stronger without the "in pain" part.
Almost. Almost almost. I think you have an interesting concept here (though I'm reminded of "The Book Thief"), but I wasn't swept away by your wording. The opening paragraph feels forced, like you're purposely trying not to let us know what the "event" is. But like I said, I'm intrigued by your concept and would probably keep reading just to find out what he/she/it that is narrating is.
ReplyDeleteInteresting... I'm not sure if I'm hooked, but I'm curious.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked at the idea of someone swimming along in the kitchen, but cringed at the murder. Would be curious enough to read on though...
ReplyDeleteI'm really not sure. I'm a bit confused.
ReplyDeleteSorry. :-{
I like it. The first sentence had me hooked and I want to find out what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely curious about what's gong on. Mostly I want to know what's happened to the man's spirit or essence or whatever if the mc has taken over.
ReplyDeleteInteresting title. The opening paragraph didn't do much for me. He(?) seemed pretty blase about the dreaded event, but I'm sure there's a point to that. I guess that's a reason in itself to keep reading for a while longer.
ReplyDeleteYup. Hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteI think I'd be more hooked if the language was tightened up and the focus shifted more to the action. The language feels a bit flowery right now and takes away from the tension of the murder scene.
ReplyDeleteI like your opening sentence. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. Liked the swimming through the air.
ReplyDeleteI don't think a YA novel works too well with an adult man narrating.
I wonder why he's floating up there, knowing what is going to happen, though he's not been stabbed yet. What caused him to leave his body and how does he know the future? Has he lived through this event a number of times? I trust you will explain all this as you go on.
I would keep reading.
I want to know exactly how the ceiling swimmer is involved (or is going to be involved). I know you only get to post about 250 words, but I want to know if this is something the swimmer witnesses all the time, and so on. Guess I'd need to read on, and that that tells you I'm hooked. :-)
ReplyDeleteNo, not doing it for me. I find the whole thing kind of confusing, frankly.
ReplyDelete