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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 1

Hoof beats pounded the dirt road and shouts filled the air. Bruce squinted into the dusky night but couldn’t make out the cause of the ruckus.

20 comments:

  1. I'd read on : )

    One minor nit - hooves (the object) pound dirt, not hoof beats (the sound)

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  2. Yeah, I'd say "hooves" instead of "hoof beats", but I like this.

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  3. Not bad. Something's obviously happening, at least.

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  4. I'd read on. I like the hooves suggestion, although I don't mind the way you have it. You've brought action and a question of "what's going on" into this - decent hook.

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  5. I like how you give us action right away. I would read on to find out time, place and who this character is.

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  6. Original Text
    Hoof beats pounded the dirt road and shouts filled the air. Bruce squinted into the dusky night but couldn’t make out the cause of the ruckus.
    Average Grade Level
    Average Readability Level: 5.24
    Average of grade levels scores that follow.
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Specific Scores
    Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 92.8
    Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.

    Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 3.5
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 5.2
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 10
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 5.7

    GOOD JOB on readibility. No one wants to work to relax with a book.
    I'd read on.

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  7. Good job. I'd read on! It should be hooves, yes. Hoof beats doesn't make sense. Like the main character, I want to know where that ruckus is coming from.

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  8. I think you should give Bruce a last name...

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  9. I really liked the words dusky and ruckus in there, it gave it character. I agree with the hooves nit though. ;) Great job, I'd read on.

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  10. I like the scene you're setting here. My only suggestion would be to watch the sentence structure. You have:

    beats pounded
    shouts filled
    Bruce squinted

    all in two sentences. Maybe change that up a little bit.

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  11. I agree with the hooves comment. Good action and scene setting. Interested so far.

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  12. 1 --
    Afraid this doesn't really excite or interest me; nothing really sets it apart as a hook for me.

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  13. I think I recognize this, and I'd read on. If it's the NaNovel I think it is, I loved the opening scene. :-)

    Agree with the hooves nit, but otherwise really like the immediate action here. Something's definitely ahoof!

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  14. Sort of picky, but how does one "squint into the night"? At the night, maybe...

    Still, not bad. As others wrote, it's good to start with action (which I'm now realizing I did not. Hmm...).

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  15. Mildly hooked. There's action but it's a little abstract yet. I'd read on to see what else goes on.

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  16. I'd read on, but it would grab me more if he knew what the ruckus was or saw it, or if you gave us a bit of a hint.

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  17. Interesting. I'd read on. The language makes me think its a MG.

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  18. Eh... so so. "dusky night" bugs me. That, plus the fact that hoof beats make me think medival and then you go throw a modern name like Bruce in. Course that problem would probably be cleared up if I got to read more than two sentences. :)

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  19. Good start- setting, character, and tension right off the bat. I'd read on!

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  20. I think you've got a good start. I want to know what the fuss is about.

    I do agree with the hooves issue.

    However, Bruce is a very old name...so, you could be in any time period.

    BRUCE

    Gender: Masculine

    Usage: Scottish, English

    Pronounced: BROOS [key]
    From a Scottish surname, of Norman origin, which probably originally referred to the town of Brix in France. The surname was borne by Robert the Bruce, a Scottish hero of the 14th century who achieved independence from England and became the king of Scotland. It has been in use as a given name in the English-speaking world since the 19th century.

    http://www.behindthename.com/name/bruce

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