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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 2

It didn't matter if he intended to kill me, this stranger named Nick. He only would have swept away the shattered remnants of Heather Montgomery -- an identity I no longer wanted.

24 comments:

  1. Ooh, this is fun. Great hook. "he only would have" is a mouthful--could improve that bit.

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  2. A good story question raised here. I'd read on.

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  3. I'm not sure if I like the styling here. It could be sharper. Then again, it wouldn't stop me from reading on.

    Here I'm wondering if she has amnesia or not.

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  4. I find the first sentence clumsy enough to be a turn-off. The suggested premise is intriguing, but the prose needs to be cleaned up.

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  5. This is an eyebrow raiser. I like the direction it's going. I'd definitely read on.

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  6. I'm too distracted to give you a fair crit. My name is Heather. And I live in Montgomery.

    You definitely have my attention. *snort*

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  7. Very good hook. I would read on to find out the intrigue you've given me already.

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  8. I would definitely keep reading this. I want to know why it doesn't matter if she died and what did she do that she would want her name washed away anyhow. Great hook!

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  9. I'm not a fan of the first sentence - I agree with Sponge and JS Bangs. But I do think the concept is very interesting.

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  10. Original Text
    It didn't matter if he intended to kill me, this stranger named Nick. He only would have swept away the shattered remnants of Heather Montgomery -- an identity I no longer wanted.
    Average Grade Level
    Average Readability Level: 8.26
    Average of grade levels scores that follow.
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Specific Scores
    Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 60.1
    Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.

    Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 8.7
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 7.5
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 11.2
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 6
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 7.9
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text

    She sounds bored, or spoiled
    Readibility isn't good

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  11. I really like this. I would read on for sure. I agree with Wulf. "he only would have" is a mouthful.

    I love the name Nick. My MC is Nick, so this caught my attention right away. Just a coincidence. :)

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  12. A little thick in the wording, but the concept gets my attention right away.

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  13. re: I'm too distracted to give you a fair crit. My name is Heather. And I live in Montgomery.


    LOL!

    No worries. It's merely a coincidence.

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  14. I like the concept a lot but felt this was a bit over-wordy. What about 'Killing me would only sweep away'?

    Even if she no longer wants the identity, killing her also prevents her picking up a new identity, doesn't it?

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  15. I agree that the prose could be tighter. It is awkward. Try reading it aloud. The concept does intrigue me though, and I'd read on to learn how death would and wouldn't affect her.

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  16. I like this, but the first sentence feels clunky and wordy. How about tightening it up, something like:
    It didn't matter if this stranger named Nick wanted to kill me.
    Otherwise, nice hook--I'm curious why does doesn't care and who Nick is. :)

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  17. Agree with the awkwardness of the first line, but Iwould definitely read at least a chapter more. Good voice.

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  18. The first sentence is a bit awkward, but it's nothing I couldn't get around. I suspect it has more to do with the POV character's way of thinking and speaking than with clunky writing. I'd definitely read on. Nice hook!

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  19. I like this--"he only would have" sounds strange, though.

    Otherwise, hooked.

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  20. Thanks for the feedback! I do appreciate it.

    As disorderly said, the first sentence is indicative of the character's disconnected thoughts.

    The dilemma I've run into with the second sentence is finding a way to introduce the POV character's name in the first page without being intrusive.

    Thanks for the help!

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  21. It's a gripper. But I did find myself tripping over the structure a little bit. Makes me wonder why she doesn't want to live anymore.

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  22. Intriguing, though I find the first sentence a bit fragmented.

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  23. Strong beginning. I'd absolutely read on to see where this is going. Definitely intriguing!

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  24. You're MC doesn't care if she gets killed? WOW...that's quite a story question. I'd read on.

    Some of the wording is a little awkward, it could be tightened up.

    And H.L. Dyer...I instantly thought of you when I read this entry! :)

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