It was a brisk fall day when eleven year old Mariah took the pieces of her mother to bury in the forest. The chill was welcome against her bruised, aching skin as she trudged through the trails, the familiar steps taking her deeper and deeper into the dense forest of trees.
Pieces of her mother? Oh my. I'm envisioning a girl wandering off into the forest with a hand, leg and a head - if that's what you're going for, that's darn creepy and a good hook.
This is good material, but a bit cluttered with words, imo.
How about replacing "pieces of her mother" with something specific? We're going for the horrifying aspect here, so how about, "dragging a leg" or "with a pile of limbs in her arms"?
"pieces of" just feels a bit vague, like the narration isn't sure which ones.
While I have no problems with the narrative aside from the pleonasms the other commenters pointed out, like 'forest of trees', and don't see anything wrong with using 'pieces', I think Wulf's suggestion could be very interesting depending on which pieces you decide to name. (Some wouldn't flow well but other could add a creepily-humorous effect to this!)
As it is, I really like it. (Aside from the overwritten sections.) :)
Wow. Pieces of her mother? I'm seeing a twisted fairy taile here, a little girl in a red cloak with the remains of her mother in the basket after the woodcutter went insane...
Very creepy. If you want to up the creep factor I'd name specific body parts, but it's still spooky.
Wow… took the pieces of her mother to bury. Intense. The first sentence totally hooked me. The second is alright. “forest of trees” is redundant. Unless it’s a forest of something other than trees, its pretty much a given that there are trees. As a reader, I would overlook the faults of the second line though, just to get to something that would tell me more about why she’s burying the “pieces” of her mother.
Well, this certainly is creepy: Little Red Riding Hood gone bad.
A couple of nits: eleven-year-old needs hyphens, and I think you could get away with simply "the dense forest." Aren't most forests composed of trees? :-)
I'd definitely read on. (BTW: I think the vagueness of "pieces of her mother" is perfect.)
Creepy, creepy! I love the matter-of-fact tone!
ReplyDeletePieces of her mother? Oh my. I'm envisioning a girl wandering off into the forest with a hand, leg and a head - if that's what you're going for, that's darn creepy and a good hook.
ReplyDelete"pieces of her mother"...I'd read on to see what "pieces" she was carrying too!
ReplyDeleteGood hook here!
:) Terri
Good! But if you deleted the words between "trudged" and the second "deeper" and dropped "of trees" it would be better.
ReplyDeleteNice and creepy. Remove 'of trees' at the end, and change 'steps' to 'path'.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
This is good material, but a bit cluttered with words, imo.
ReplyDeleteHow about replacing "pieces of her mother" with something specific? We're going for the horrifying aspect here, so how about, "dragging a leg" or "with a pile of limbs in her arms"?
"pieces of" just feels a bit vague, like the narration isn't sure which ones.
Good work :)
While I have no problems with the narrative aside from the pleonasms the other commenters pointed out, like 'forest of trees', and don't see anything wrong with using 'pieces', I think Wulf's suggestion could be very interesting depending on which pieces you decide to name. (Some wouldn't flow well but other could add a creepily-humorous effect to this!)
ReplyDeleteAs it is, I really like it. (Aside from the overwritten sections.) :)
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteTook the....pieces....!!! Ohg!
ReplyDeleteProblem here is that brings up the mental image of a little munchkin carrying arms and legs. Probably not what you intended.
Or maybe. She sounds like she has been abused....
Okay, yes. At first I thought it'd be ho-hum, then you mention the pieces of her mother and I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteCreepy!! Disgusting. Not my thing. But i might read on to see the age of the character and why the mom's in pieces.
ReplyDeleteWow. Pieces of her mother? I'm seeing a twisted fairy taile here, a little girl in a red cloak with the remains of her mother in the basket after the woodcutter went insane...
ReplyDeleteVery creepy. If you want to up the creep factor I'd name specific body parts, but it's still spooky.
I'd read on. Good job!
Pieces of her mother--a definite hook! You might change "took" them into the forest, to "carried" or "dragged." to make it even more visual.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have to disagree with naming the body parts. Pieces is far more creepy to me than saying a head or leg.
Wow… took the pieces of her mother to bury. Intense. The first sentence totally hooked me. The second is alright. “forest of trees” is redundant. Unless it’s a forest of something other than trees, its pretty much a given that there are trees. As a reader, I would overlook the faults of the second line though, just to get to something that would tell me more about why she’s burying the “pieces” of her mother.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hooked. Love the surprise of the first line and the mystery/tension you introduce, right off the bat. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFirst sentense is very intense - you hooked me.
ReplyDelete"Pieces of her mother" = win. I made a little O with my mouth when I read that. Nice job.
"dense forest of trees" seems redundant. Makes me think: Of course a forest has trees! Maybe just "dense forest."
I reposted because typos suck, and I had two of them in my original comment. :(
Gah...and I only fixed one of the typos in my repost. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteWell, this certainly is creepy: Little Red Riding Hood gone bad.
ReplyDeleteA couple of nits: eleven-year-old needs hyphens, and I think you could get away with simply "the dense forest." Aren't most forests composed of trees? :-)
I'd definitely read on. (BTW: I think the vagueness of "pieces of her mother" is perfect.)