It was that time of day when it wasn't quite dark and it wasn't quite light. The land of Drualtys was coated in a dark denim blanket, and night had yet to surrender to the pale orange haze that the morning sun brought.
It seems too wordy and repetitive. It basically says the same thing. i would only need one or the other to tell me the time of day. then I'd want to know why that's important or get some action going.
Nice descriptions. I was a little tripped up by the world name. It’s good set up, but nothing has actually happened yet to grab my interest. Also – and this is going to sound goofy and picky – you described your world as being coated with a blanket. When I think coated I think with paint or with a jacket and when I think blanket I think covered. I know its poetic license, but something about that phrase bugs me. It’s a well written, but slow opening. Perhaps that’s what you intended though. Not everything has to begin fast paced. I like it, but you’d have to hook me sometime during that first page.
It's a maybe for me. The genre/setting kinda jumps all over the mat. For example: The land of Drualtys was coated in a dark denim blanket --denim didn't exist in medieval times, and "Drualtys" implies to me that this is a fantasy story set in such a pseudo-historical period.
What is it with starting novels with "it" around here lately? Did I miss a memo? (Seriously, among the past six subs I've read, three have started with "it.")
I think the first sentence is unnecessary. The second does a much better job of saying the same thing. (Nit alert: Shouldn't the second sentence end "...the pale orange haze that the morning sun WOULD BRING"? The sun's not up yet; hence, the past-tense "brought" sounds off to me.)
Does something actually happen in the third sentence? If so, I'd probably read on. :-)
The first two sentences seems to be saying the same thing to me. I would say that the author doesn't need both.
ReplyDeleteI think the first sentence could be deleted. It tells exactly what the second ones shows.
ReplyDeleteThe second one is compelling- very visual, and it sets the scene perfectly.
As the others said, lose the first sentence. The second is good, and I can't help but wonder how their land got under a blanket
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is great. Not hooked though, because of the redundancy
ReplyDeleteAgree about deleting the first sentence. However, this looks like it'll get flowery REALLY soon - "surrendered" kinda leads me to thinking that.
ReplyDeleteThis is flowery. We know what twilight looks like. Take us to the action!
ReplyDeleteI also wonder whether this is a land that would be familiar with denim. _I_ might be as a reader but if the narrator wouldn't be, can't use the image.
ReplyDeleteHm... this reminds me of #38.
ReplyDeleteI like the promise of a fantasy here, but I got a little impatient with the descriptives of dawn.
I meant #37... :#
ReplyDeleteNo, the description feels too generic to me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteSo...it's sunrise, then? Nice prose, but nothing here hooks me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt seems too wordy and repetitive. It basically says the same thing. i would only need one or the other to tell me the time of day. then I'd want to know why that's important or get some action going.
ReplyDeleteNice descriptions. I was a little tripped up by the world name. It’s good set up, but nothing has actually happened yet to grab my interest. Also – and this is going to sound goofy and picky – you described your world as being coated with a blanket. When I think coated I think with paint or with a jacket and when I think blanket I think covered. I know its poetic license, but something about that phrase bugs me. It’s a well written, but slow opening. Perhaps that’s what you intended though. Not everything has to begin fast paced. I like it, but you’d have to hook me sometime during that first page.
ReplyDeleteIt's a maybe for me. The genre/setting kinda jumps all over the mat. For example: The land of Drualtys was coated in a dark denim blanket --denim didn't exist in medieval times, and "Drualtys" implies to me that this is a fantasy story set in such a pseudo-historical period.
ReplyDeleteTo me, these both say the same thing. I like the second setence better, and would vote for cutting the first one completely.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it with starting novels with "it" around here lately? Did I miss a memo? (Seriously, among the past six subs I've read, three have started with "it.")
ReplyDeleteI think the first sentence is unnecessary. The second does a much better job of saying the same thing. (Nit alert: Shouldn't the second sentence end "...the pale orange haze that the morning sun WOULD BRING"? The sun's not up yet; hence, the past-tense "brought" sounds off to me.)
Does something actually happen in the third sentence? If so, I'd probably read on. :-)