It was that time of day when animals stirred, in the quiet, cool moments where the world seemed most like their's. For it was only during dawn did the scent and voice of humans not dominate.
For it was only at dawn that the scent and sounds of humans did not dominate creation.
I'm not exactly hooked, and I honestly couldn't help but think that I'm (as well as a lot of other human beings) more likely to be out and about at dawn rather than dusk. :]
I'm thinking 36 & 37 are both yours. they're almost the same formula. This works alright. the examples of what happens at dawn works fine. But it's not really intriguing, except the reference to humans. I might read on to see what or who it is.
I like the mood you're building here, and would read on. Ditto though that the second sentence sounds a bit awkward. Also, I'd not recommend ending the sentence with "their's."
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ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is awkward. The second sentence is great. Perhaps a switch here? Example:
ReplyDeleteDuring dawn, the scent and voice of humans did not dominate. It was then animals stirred, in the quiet, cool moments where the world belonged to them.
Definitely gives me a paranormal/sci-fi type of feeling.
"where the world seemed most like their's"
ReplyDeleteThis part's precious, don't loose it. The rest was meh, imo.
Take the apostrophe out of "theirs".
ReplyDeletetheirs <- no apostrophe
ReplyDeleteFixes second sentence:
For it was only at dawn that the scent and sounds of humans did not dominate creation.
I'm not exactly hooked, and I honestly couldn't help but think that I'm (as well as a lot of other human beings) more likely to be out and about at dawn rather than dusk. :]
No, sorry, it just feels a bit like it's trying too hard. I'm not fond of descriptive openings like this, though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jeannie's rewrite. I love the idea here, but if we're not sticking with the animals I might lose interest.
ReplyDeleteTentatively hooked.
I'm thinking 36 & 37 are both yours. they're almost the same formula.
ReplyDeleteThis works alright. the examples of what happens at dawn works fine. But it's not really intriguing, except the reference to humans. I might read on to see what or who it is.
A nice opening description. I expect the next sentence to introduce some sort of action.
ReplyDeleteNeeds work on sentence structure. As it stands, it doesn’t make much sense.
ReplyDeleteI like the mood you're building here, and would read on. Ditto though that the second sentence sounds a bit awkward. Also, I'd not recommend ending the sentence with "their's."
ReplyDelete