I skimmed the dresses with my hand and watched the dancing dust. Everything in my closet was black -- not trendy black, but pilled, stretchy, frumpy and faded black.
I like the second sentence better than the first. Watching dust isn't exciting, but there is huge potential to expand on the frustration packed into that second sentence.
I'd maybe read on just to see what the black is all for (unless she's like me and dresses in black because she thinks it suits her). However, I think this is a weak hook. Maybe giving a teensy hint about the color choice would be a step in the right direction?
It doesn't come off as my type of genre, but there is something intriguing about the second sentence. Hopefully the action is only a few sentences away.
I like it. Maybe I would reverse the order of the sentences. The "dancing dust" gives me a visual of clothes not worn for a very long time. The proof of the sentences is in what follows. In that context, this could be a quite strong opening.
How sad for this character. I'm slightly intrigued to read on and find out why she has so much black that she hates. Hopefully the next part would have intrigue.
Sorry, but not hooked. Nothing is happening. Just a character musing about the current state of things, rather than facing them head on with the intent of strengthening her character.
I like the second sentence better than the first. Watching dust isn't exciting, but there is huge potential to expand on the frustration packed into that second sentence.
ReplyDeleteWondering what all that black is for . . .
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
Sounds like my wardrobe, haha.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading.
This opening sounds so melancholy. I would read on to find out why.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about "pilled" but yep. I like this.
ReplyDeleteI'd maybe read on just to see what the black is all for (unless she's like me and dresses in black because she thinks it suits her). However, I think this is a weak hook. Maybe giving a teensy hint about the color choice would be a step in the right direction?
ReplyDeleteDancing dust is silly, but skimming the dresses with a hand isn't. And the second sentence, wow that's great :)
ReplyDelete"and watched dust dance" I think would work better, to show the dust moving was coming from the dress.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where you're headed for with this.
I'm intrigued. I'd read more. I got an instant picture of her hand on the dresses.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't come off as my type of genre, but there is something intriguing about the second sentence. Hopefully the action is only a few sentences away.
ReplyDeleteHmm...a woman looking for something to wear doesn't really grab me. I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Maybe I would reverse the order of the sentences. The "dancing dust" gives me a visual of clothes not worn for a very long time. The proof of the sentences is in what follows. In that context, this could be a quite strong opening.
ReplyDeleteHey -- who's been in my closet?! **glancing around suspiciously**
ReplyDeleteI'd have to read more of this. That description of the clothing is just too good. :-)
How sad for this character. I'm slightly intrigued to read on and find out why she has so much black that she hates. Hopefully the next part would have intrigue.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but not hooked. Nothing is happening. Just a character musing about the current state of things, rather than facing them head on with the intent of strengthening her character.
ReplyDeleteI had to read the first sentence twice to work out what was happening. But yes, I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThe narrator sounds dead. Dust on the clothes. Black everywhere. Sorta cliché. The most interesting part is the fact that they are frumpy and faded. Not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt's not take-me-by-the-throat hooky, but I like it enough that I'd read on. there's a good sense of voice, I think :)
ReplyDelete