Title: Delilah
Genre: YA/Historical Fiction/Retelling
“No,” Delilah argued. Clouds of sweet cedar incense curled in the air around the robed figure that hovered above her. She scowled at it.
“The Most High demands it,” Raphael said.
“I am a Daughter of El,” she asserted, “Tell your god that I will not serve him.”
“Your god and our god are one. You will obey him, whether it be your will or not.” Raphael frowned, thrusting his flaming sword before him.
“Begone!” Delilah knelt before her shrine to El and focused on the statue of her god in the light of the oil lantern. “Great El,” Delilah murmured, “Heavenly Father, Just Judge, Fierce Warrior, protect your daughter from wicked spirits; send them far away.”
Raphael unfolded his wings from behind his back and spread them. A sound like rocks tumbling down a mountain forced her back on her heels. Each beat of his wings pounded into her head. You will, you will, they seemed to say. He hovered higher in the room then gave a hawk-like screech as he soared over her and out the doorway. Exhausted, Delilah collapsed onto the stone floor.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteWas a bit dramatic, but I want to read more!
Good luck!
I would definitely want to read more. Not sure if I'm hooked yet, but I am curious.
ReplyDeleteTeesy bit over dramatic, but I'm hooked and would read on. Just give us a bit more context (what, where, why) of this situation sooner, I think.
ReplyDeleteNot my genre, but I'm hooked. I'd read on to find out what he wants her to do.
ReplyDeleteI would read more...though I'm not a fan of historical Christian-esque stories, this smacks more of mythology in feel and I love that.
ReplyDeleteWriting is a little stiff, but I suppose that can't be helped given the time period.
Nice job. Great hook. I like the imagery of the angel, but wish I had a little more of the MC. I also found it a little contradictory to have the angel say that Deliah’s god and his God were the same… when she seems to be worshiping a graven image (this would be against the first commandment). Plus I don’t understand why she is exhausted… this is the first sense I get that she is tired at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm in. Good details. Wouldn't this be fantasy not history though?
ReplyDeleteI was confused about the genre too.
ReplyDeleteI do want to read more though.
I'm not into other world/Gods too much. So I'm not hooked. But you say it's historical fiction, so I'm curious of where in history these characters are from. I might read more to see if I could figure that out.
ReplyDeleteWhere I sorta get hung up is the 'historical fiction' part of the title. This really comes across as fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Angela--a little over dramatic. Also, I had a knee jerk reaction to the name Raphael--it immediately made me think of Christianity, but I don't know if that's where you're going with this?
ReplyDeleteLoved the beating of his wings imagery--well done.
I don't like the word "argued" in the first sentence. It feels telling, and "No" isn't that great of an argument. I'd cut that. It is a bit dramatic otherwise, but I enjoyed the imagery.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI don't care for this sort of thing, so I fought it the first time I read it.
When I read it the second time I saw how strong it is. You've set up the conflict.
Even though it's an other-world story, I understand the characters. Yet I don't know who to root for.
Lots of sensory detail.
Nicely done.
I was semi-hooked until this line: "Raphael unfolded his wings from behind his back and spread them." I think it could be way streamlined. Then you reeled me back in with "You will, you will, they seemed to say." That was made of awesome, and it hooked me again. Good job!
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's the genre, but this struck me as bordering on melodramatic. If it's a retelling of something ancient, perhaps the language needs to be more...accessible?
ReplyDelete"No," Delilah argued. This sounds clunky because of the "argued."
You might try, simply,
"No." Delilah scowled at the robed figure that hovered above her...
Doesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause nothing felt unique or interesting to me and it seemed a little overly dramatic.
Just about there. I'd read on to see if you got me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I'm hooked. I'm not a big fan of books that start right off on a religious base--even if it's an author-created faith. But the conflict/tension is solid right off the bat. I'd probably read on to the end of the chapter to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteUm, I'm quite confused - not least about the gods. Is Raphael evil and not good? Yes, I need to get my gods sorted out here. Also a prob for me that you start with 'No' - we're thrown straight into an argument without knowing what she's saying no TO.
ReplyDeleteWith a story this remote from our own experience, we need to have a strong, identifiable point of reference - which needs to be Delilah. Somehow you need to bring her to life as a real, living girl - who may live eons in the past, but who has similar feelings to our own. I think that's the secret of good 'historical' fiction. Getting the voice right is very tough in this kind of genre.
I would read on to see what happened next.
ReplyDeleteWhat was she supposed to do? I couldn't figure that out.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'd read further. Sorry.
I don't know why she was exhausted.
ReplyDeleteI need more information.
no for me
I liked the push and pull of the dialogue between the two characters. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteBecause you're retelling the story of Delilah, I'm definitely interested in reading on. (I wanna see where you end it, and if you could make me care about her. %-))
ReplyDeleteNot sure I'd say hooked for sure here, but I'd certainly read on for the premise!
~Merc
This has the potential to be really fantastic if you can make you MC accessible - as it is, I feel no connection with her. But you have talent, and I'm sure you will be able to create something beautiful!
ReplyDeleteA tad overdramatic, but would read a little more because I'm curious.
ReplyDelete