TITLE: Panic
GENRE: YA
The two-story bricked-front house resembled every other one in the suburban
neighborhood. Diane chewed on her fingernail. How long would she be in this foster home?
She shook her head. There should be a better name for these places. Home sounded too…
normal.
Nut Nursery. Basket Case Haven. Hopeless Habitat. Cast-off Cottage.
“Are you ready to meet your new family?” Mrs. Thomas’ voice— hollow and empty— broke
through.
Crap. How long had her social worker been talking?
Tiny needles of panic pricked the skin between Diane’s shoulder blades. Her breaths became
short and her chest tightened. Her heartbeat slammed in her ears.
Not again. Diane blew out a steady stream of air. Focus. Just another stop on the train. You
can do this.
She creased the corners of her mouth. Might as well look the part of expectant daughter.
Climbing out of the car, she forced one foot in front of the other to the door.
Just get to your room.
The parade of faces whirled passed her as the new family was introduced: mother, father,
three brothers, and two sisters. They all lined the entryway like a receiving line.
Unwanted girl walking.
“Sweetie, I’m sure you want to see your room,” the foster mother said.
One of those. Diane didn’t roll her eyes, but it was hard not too.
Foster mother’s came in two types: those trying to make a buck and those trying to save the
world.
Too bad this lady was too late to save me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteIt looks like something happened to the formatting, but it didn't hurt the story or your writing.
Great Job!
I'm hooked. I think it still needs a bit of smoothing, but you have a good voice and the character feels authentic!
ReplyDeleteNice voice and interesting character. I'd read on to find out more about her, and her story.
ReplyDeleteTotally drawn in.
ReplyDeleteNot sure of character's age...if she turns out to be younger than 14 I don't know that I'd like it as much given her voice.
However, older than 14 and I'm a fan. Really liked how this opened.
Excellent. Love the voice. I can feel the struggle within and already hope the ‘foster mother’ can turn things around. Nice hook at the end. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI got interested at "nut nursery" after the first paragraph almost lost me. The first paragraph is just too plodding and feels like the author is trying to convey too much info, to me.
ReplyDeleteBut as soon as you got into the names, I knew this character had a voice, an opinion, something spunky about her.
Loved the parade of faces, the receiving line, the sugary mom.
I'm hooked.
I like this. Great voice.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut: Her heartbeat slammed in her ears. (I think the two sentences that come before this are enough.)
Also, a couple of typos:
but it was hard not too.-->but it was hard not to.
Foster mother’s came-->Foster mothers came
I like this too. The slamming heartbeat doesn't seem to fit with her voice though--she sounds to me like she's over being nervous about meeting new parents, and has moved on to being annoyed.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
I'm hooked. Love the voice. Want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I love this. so much can happen there and I want to see what.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I'm hooked. It's an intriguing beginning for a sad character. I want to know why she thinks it's too late to save her. And can this family help her?
ReplyDeleteKind of hooked...it took a while, but the last line was a nice touch. I think the jumping around works too because it shows the confusion in her mind.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteNot a genre I typically like, but I thought this one was well written and I enjoyed the voice.
I like this.
ReplyDeleteI do think there could be a little trimming or fitting things in better - like you need a connection between the first sentence and the fingernail chewing. For one thing, you need to put the setting there - tell us she's in the car looking at the house. You don't mention the car until halfway through.
Unwanted girl walking. <- I do like this line.
My favorite sentence: "Unwanted girl walking." So much power in that little sentence. (Or, ur, non-sentence, as the case may be.)
ReplyDeleteI think your voice is strong. This needs some tightening and tweaking, but you've got a good start. It's easy to sympathize with your protagonist, which is a good thing.
Good. Definitely hooked. I did wonder what happened to Mrs. Thomas, wouldn't she go with Diane? But otherwise, aside from a few typos, good work. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the names she has for the foster home. Would there be a way to sprinkle them through the scene, instead of lumping them all together?
The nervousness seems out of place. The rest of the piece makes me think Diane is in control. However, the name of the novel is "Panic", so...it's an anomaly that needs explanation.
I think the last line should be present tense, like Diane's other thoughts.
Really like your main character.
I like the way your shorter sentences moved the scene along. Loved the voice! I'd definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked!
ReplyDeleteFantastic voice, and you've nailed the older foster child squarely. Your MC is someone I already care about.
I think others have already mentioned the few areas that need attention.
Nicely done.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThough I wonder (it might just be me) if you need to start so many new paragraphs for only one-line sentences?
If the entire thing were written this way I'd be annoyed. The line "Unwanted girl walking" is great and I loved that as a paragraph, but the last three paras would be more effective if they were one. No need to cut, just let them string together.
Also ( I may be wrong, someone please correct me if I am) but lines liek "YOU can do this," and "Just get to YOUR room," are in second person, and the rest of the piece is in third. Are these parts supposed to be in italics, meaning they are part of Diane's thoughts? If not, I'd try to eliminate the confusing second person.
Hooked me…
ReplyDeleteBecause the scenario actually seemed believable. Most of the time this setup doesn’t work for me, but you make it work. I would read more just because I want to know why this girl has such bad feelings and why she thinks it’s too late to save her. Interesting.
Hooked. In top 5.
ReplyDeleteWell written. No complaints. :)
I like the narrator's voice and sarcastic outlook on the foster care system--seems very realistic for this girl who's obviously been shoved from house to house a lot. I think you loose her voice in the middle parts though, as I forgot this was in first person between the first and last sections.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd definitely read on!
This ends much better than it starts. There is real impact in the girl's encounter with the family, and her sharp 'diagnosis' of the different kinds of foster mothers. But who is 'me' at the end? Diane? So far we've been in the third person and now we move into first?
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of lots of 'physical symptoms' of fear/hurt etc, so I furrow my brow over your paragraph 'Tiny needs of panic . . . slammed in her ears.' You don't need to say this much for us to understand. As I've said on other posts, less can often be more. But: there's some nice writing here so keep going.
Great voice! Probably not my kind of story, but well done.
ReplyDeleteI might read further, but you've got a pretty bleak MC to follow.
ReplyDeleteI like, however, the alternate names she comes up with for foster homes.
And "unwanted girl walking" is unique.
I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this! Your MC comes across as tough on the outside but oh so fragile inside. Well done. With some polishing, this story will be a real gem.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone who left comments. I think they'll help me a lot :-)
ReplyDeleteLoved the line "Unwanted girl walking." Shows situation and character strongly in 3 words. I'd read more.
ReplyDelete