IT WAS THE first home in years where I had felt welcome, and as I watched it disappear I thanked my lucky stars that I'd not eaten any breakfast. Else I might have thrown it all up.
Twelve foster homes in twelve years. I'd been shuffled around so much that I didn't know who I was, 'cause at every new home, they expect me to be someone else—someone that I am not. They expect me to be what they want, not what I have become.
Jenny Sue hadn't even peeked through the blinds as the car backed out of her cracked driveway, and she was the closest that any of them had been to a mother. Well, to be honest, I didn't really know what a mother was supposed to be like. I only knew what I had seen on television, or read in library books.
Jenny Sue, though, she was different than the others. She had homemade cookies waiting for me when I came home from school sometimes. And she didn't treat me any different than she treated her own kids—I had the same amount of chores, got the same measly allowance, even got my own bedroom. She'd actually liked me for a good long while.
"You look upset," Mr. Petersen said in his educated southern accent.
I forced a sudden slew of tears back into my eyeballs and turned to glare at him, wishing he'd sat up front with the social worker. It's not like he could counsel me right now.
What great emotion! You can't help but root for this kid. The writing is great and I'd read on a little longer to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteQuestion though, is the MC a boy or a girl? And why did Jenny Sue give the MC up? I'd also like to know who the MC think he/she is so I can start forming some kind of attachment.
Excellent writing.
I think this is interesting, but you have some awkward wording that takes me out of the story. Phrases like "a sudden slew of tears back into my eyeballs" prevented me from being hooked. You do have the beginnings of a good story here though, so I'm sure with a little editing you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteI had the same thoughts on the eyeball line, but I passed it off as how a kid would think, and not a writer.
ReplyDeleteGreat emotion. I want to keep my eye on the kid and make sure s/he's ok.
When the house disappeared I though, oh no! The house vanished! but quickly caught on: it disappeared from sight. Little things like that can be easily clarified, though.
Great job.
Hooked! Well-written, a unique voice, and instant sympathy to the protagonist. Very good!
ReplyDeleteI'd read more. I was drawn to Jenny Sue and wanted to know more about her.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hooked! The emotional state of the MC has me instantly rooting for her, hoping with her... and I want to know why a foster mother who liked her would be getting rid of her.
ReplyDeleteWell done! I would read on.
Hm, I hope you've researched the foster system and aren't just making the MC a foster kid for quick sympathy. I used to work with kids in that merry-go-round, and yes, it was really hard on them. Yet this didn't feel quite authentic to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to pin point why. It may be the voice. Most of the kids I knew who had spent that many years in foster care already sounded like potty-mouthed hardened criminals -- it may be all an act, but they've learned to survive in a hard world.
I'm not saying you should turn your MC into someone she -- he? -- is not, just keep it real. It would take more than cookies and chores to bond with most foster kids, because they are afraid of exactly this kind of separation. Sorry, I don't know how relevant this is to the rest of your story.
Your protagonist *is* sympathetic and I would probably keep reading.
Now I feel bad. I never have homemade cookies waiting for my kids when they come home from school.
ReplyDeleteYou switched tenses a couple of times which really threw me (2nd paragraph).
The real reason I'd read more is because this is YA urban fantasy. I'm expecting something exciting is going to happen. If this was just YA contemporary, I'd just read to the end of the chapter but probably not much further. So you definitely have me hooked and utterly intrigued.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this one.
Overall good. But IMO you need some tightening to help the voice come through stronger. Too many "thats". And meandering ideas. For instance, her explaining that everybody expects her to be someone else - someone she's not. Is that really necessary in the second paragraph? Knowing that she's been through twelve foster homes is important. But the other fact doesn't seem to be. And then the next paragraph commits the same crime. She goes wandering off about how she doesn't know what a mother is supposed to be like. Again, is it necessary so early on? The first sentence in that paragraph is necessary, but I wonder about the rest.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great premise here and I think if you tighten it up, readers won't be able to put it down. I am very curious to know why Jenny Sue doesn't like her anymore and sent her away without even looking out the window. Ouch! That's great showing of the situation, so you don't need so much telling.
Good luck!
I had instant sympathy for this kid. And I liked the voice. It could be paced a little quicker - not so much musing on the part of the MC. I would turn the page.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
This didn't hook me, but I couldn't work out why. The prose is pretty good, and the story moves at a reasonable pace. I think what's holding me back is that the protagonist doesn't feel real.
ReplyDelete(For ease, I'm going to assume the protag is female, but the comments would apply either way.)
If she's been through twelve foster homes in twelve years, and is leaving this one under a cloud, then we'd expect there to be some reason for it. Behavioral problems, perhaps, or some kind of uncontrollable powers since this is UF. We should see this coming through in the writing -- her frustrations at having messed up another foster family, her anger at them giving up on her -- but instead we get this sad little girl who just wishes for a mother. It tugs at the heartstrings, but it doesn't feel realistic. It's like a 1950s view of orphans or something.
I think this has a lot of potential.
Maybe it's just me, but I had a tough time with the transition between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. It felt like we were moving from 1st to 3rd person and that Jenny Sue was the main character. I picked it up fast, but it jarred me out of the story. Maybe something like "I thought Jenny Sue would at least peek ..."
ReplyDeleteI like this very much. Good set up, good tension/angst, and good voice for a YA protagonist. I immediately care about the MC because her pain is poignant, yet not over-the-top. My only suggestion is to add the MC’s name in here somewhere, perhaps when Mr. Peterson speaks to her.
ReplyDeleteThis might just be me, but I couldn't see this scene clearly at all. It wasn't until I read the comments that I realized she was in the car that was driving away.
ReplyDeleteI also was confused by the first mention of Jenny Sue and wondered if the POV had suddenly switched.
I feel for your main character though and am curious where this is going.
There is so much great advice here. Thank you for the many honest opinions about my first page. The MC is female, which the reader would have discovered in the very next sentence. Also, the reason for her being booted from another home is explained in the next paragraph or so. But this being the first page, there was only so much I could say.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you, all.
Emotionally I'm hooked! The narrator's voice is engaging and very readable.
ReplyDeleteI felt the entire second paragraph could have been left out and it would have strengthened the opening even more. It seemed odd for a teenager to think in terms of "twelve homes in twelve years" for me.
As the mother of an adopted child, I'm hooked and moved. That said, you have some tense problems and something that I expected to be a pov problem at the beginning of the 3rd paragraph, but wasn't. I agree, there's some meandering and I'd like to have a hint (NOW, not later) as to whether the fantasy involves anything she did while with Jenny Sue. Tighten it up and keep going. You've got a GREAT premise whether it's YA or YA/UF.
ReplyDeleteHooked - great voice and emotion. The eyeball line did throw me a bit, though.
ReplyDeleteYou need to solidify the physical space. We don't know the narrator is in a car until the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteSo the house disappearing seems like a paranormal element. Probably no what you want.
I'd probably read a few pages more just to see what's playing out. I wanted more insight into Jenny Sue. More of a hint as to why this person is leaving.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Great sense of the MC's lose of who she is.
I liked this, liked the character's voice. I do agree that she sounds not enough like a foster child who has been so hurt by the system. I'm very curious as to why JS has thrown her out.
ReplyDelete