TITLE: The Night
GENRE: Epic YA Fantasy
The undergrowth tore at Siri's clothing and drew white scratches across her fair, lilac skin as she raced through the dim forest, her breath coming in short pants. Her brother, Emberin, and his wife, Fiori, crashed after her. Siri glanced back and forced herself to slow. The gash in Fiori’s leg was worse than she’d thought, and the magic that laced it still resisted Emberin’s healing efforts. Her friend had turned a pale, almost human color, and Siri sent a silent prayer for help. They would need it, for the Corrupted and his Varloi would soon be upon them.
A dark briar grew into her path, black thorns lashing out to trap her. Siri tried to brush it out of the way, but her long, flowing sleeves were caught on it, and the briar began to climb her arm, then grasped her ankle and wound around her leg. In a panic, she ripped at the briar until she was free, leaving considerable strips of cloth on the thorns. The shallow cuts along her arm and leg burned as if on fire, and she felt dizzy as the venomous magic began to circulate.
Siri did her best to ignore the pain and ran on, the wind rushing past and slowing the travel of the evil power through her body. Glancing back to make sure Emberin and Fiori were still with her, she was blinded by a flash of light, and the briar shriveled before her brother’s hand.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds really interesting. But I admit, I almost quit reading after the first paragraph with all the introductions and strange names. I lost track of who was who and not sure how I'm supposed to care for any of them.
ReplyDeleteI felt the scene rushed on to long. The writing is good, but I wanted the action to move forward in this short scene.
You do leave the text with a great hook though. Excellent.
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ReplyDeleteThis sounds fabulous as I am a huge fan of epic YA fantasy. The suggestions I would make are to first off, slow the pace just a little. It is almost too much info for three paragraphs. Maybe keep the first paragraph all about the MC?
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is more telling than showing. Here is an example... "The shallow cuts burned as if on fire, and she felt dizzy as the venomous magic began to circulate." Maybe try something a little more like...
"Every thorn that pierced her skin wove a thread of fire into her blood, circulating magic through her veins and dizzying her brain."
Good luck!
Definitely too fast. There's a lot of description smushed into three paragraphs, and it would be so much more powerful if you stretched it out. I'm intrigued and would like to read on, but this needs to be slowed way down.
ReplyDeleteI followed it easily -- Siri is the PoV character, and she and her brother Emberin, and her sister-in-law Fiori (who is wounded) are running through the forest. They are being chased by Varloi, evil and powerful minions of the Corrupted, who is even more evil and powerful.
ReplyDeleteEither the Varloi or the briars themselves (ok, I wasn't exactly sure on this point, but not concerned about it) leave poison power in the wounds.
At the end, some magic power causes light and the shriveling of the briar. Maybe the Varloi have caught up with them? I think Siri will get away, but I'm not sure her brother and sister-in-law will even survive.
I would keep reading. I like fantasy epics.
Thank you everyone for your comments so far! If I'm not allowed to do this, go ahead and delete my comment, but I'd like readers to know that this is the prologue, so things are introduced at a faster pace than normal. Thanks. =)
ReplyDeleteI found this quite interesting, but for some reason the last sentence in the first paragraph confused me.
ReplyDeleteI would read on though.
Well, this piece was written by my Jedi Master, so I can't give a very helpful critique, as my eyes aren't new and I know all of the plot points and why this is necessary. (I actually suggested this opening.) But I can say that the first paragraph is/looks a little choppy, but if I read it aloud it sounds fine… (especially since I know what Corrupted and Varloi are, Tara nailed it.) ^_^
ReplyDeleteI like purple people.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
LOL, me too! Purple is one of the most awesome colors ever! =D
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by the lilac skin. The pace is bit too fast, but I didn't mind that. Better than plodding. I would read more.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
Am I the only one who thought the first sentence was not in the MC's POV? Would she describe her skin in that way? More along the lines of "...scratched at her skin as she raced..." I know, with the hints from Tara and Young Pad that these people are purple, but when I first read it, I didn't get that. If it's important to the story, could you have Siri describe Fiori's skin?
ReplyDeleteI did like this and would turn the page to see if they escaped.
Good luck.
There's a potentially-interesting story here, but it's being let down by the execution.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence seems to be a run-on, and "fair, lilac skin" is out of Siri's pov. I think "her friend" is meant to refer to Fiori, but as Emberin is the last person mentioned, I initially took it to be him. Is the briar really meant to appear sentient? I was also unsure why the wind rushing past would slow the travel of evil power through Siri's body, as the two seem unrelated.
I think you need to decide what is important here and what is extraneous, and write up the important bits in as clear fashion as possible. Right now we're getting the sense of panic but not a whole lot else.
Cheers.
Janet-- Only Siri is purple. Within the next two paragraphs, it's explained that Fiori is a light red and Emberin is a golden color. This has to do with the elements they control.
ReplyDeleteGeorgina-- I don't think the skin color description is out of PoV. She can see it, so wouldn't that qualify as in PoV? I'll try to fix the 'her friend' confusion, but I'd rather not use Fiori again so close.
And yes, the briar is sentient, in a way. The Varloi are using magic to control it. The wind slows the magic because wind is Siri's element of power, which is seen later.
Thank you, everyone, for your comments! Good luck to those of you who also have entries! =)
Sorry, just because this is a prologue doesn't mean you can introduce things faster. USUALLY, prologues are an insidious waste of space. What they contain is backstory that should be told elsewhere. There are exceptions, but they cannot be rushed anymore than another portion of the book. There is a pov problem in the 1st paragraph. When I look at my skin, I don't think: "My pale, freckled skin held a touch of blue from the too-visible veins below the surface." I think, "Damn, I look like a vampire." I DON'T think these things while I'm running for my life. My skin tone/color is the last thing on my mind. Cut the other characters from the first paragraph. Way too confusing. Add them in in the last paragraph as two figures who appear amidst a blinding flash of light. You can add more to her fear for their well being in the passage, preferably not using their names, but don't do it in the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the POV, that was a funny way to put it lilianamama! She's running for her life, she would probably not even feel the scratches. I think the mention of Fiori being almost human color is enough to show that they're different, at this point.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I really enjoyed this chase scene with magical elements. It's a great way to introduce your world.
I think the pace is a little too fast, but if I read more of this, it might not seem so rushed. Are the skin colors significant to later in the book, or are they just extra, unneeded information? Overall, the writing was good-- keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteI like the set up, but it feels heavy, as if you’ve used too many words. Don’t worry about so many descriptions here; focus on the action instead. Also, shorter sentences will help mirror and tighten the tension you’ve written into this scene.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to add my agreement that mentioning the lilac skin color is outside of her POV. It doesn't matter that she can see it, what's important is whether she would think about it at this moment. This line **Her friend had turned a pale, almost human color,** is a great way to show that they don't look human. We can find out the specifics of what they do like later, when they aren't running for their lives.
ReplyDeleteThe fast pace didn't bother me, but I think the writing could be tighter. For example: **The shallow cuts along her arm and leg burned as if on fire, and she felt dizzy as the venomous magic began to circulate.**-->The shallow cuts along her arm and leg burned, and her head swam as the venomous magic circulated.
Melinda-- Thanks so much! I've been having trouble with how to get 'began' out of that line. You're a genius! =)
ReplyDeleteThird person PoV doesn't always have to be close. There is such a thing as "Distant Third" (almost like Omni, except it sticks with one main subject) and Middle Third.
ReplyDeleteAs a matter of taste, some people may, of course, prefer close third.
Close third is almost like First Person, but middle or distant third are not. I don't think it's out PoV to describe "her fair, lilac skin."
IMHO, if a character has purple skin, I want to know as soon as possible, preferably in the first sentence.
I did think all three were purple, but probably trying to explain all their skin colors early on would have just been confusing.
I'm very particular about my fantasy and right now, I see too many generic stereotypes right here at the beginning that I'm going to be hard pressed to read on.
ReplyDelete1. Fantasy opening with a chase scene in the forest.
2. Character is a healer.
3. An evil plant that attacks.
I don't mean to be harsh but these are not going to set your piece up as original.
And my assumption is that this is the very first page of a novel so right here there are a lot of issues to face. Why, as a reader, should I care that these people are on the run in the opening scene?
I like Wiggy's fix for the fire and magic line.
ReplyDeleteI agree with lilianamama about the skin, and think Melinda's fix is good.
I do like this, and am hooked. I'd read on.
I liked it, although I think I'd get into it more if we got a few more of her thoughts and feelings in the 2nd paragraph vs. the author telling us how Siri felt (panic, dizzy).
ReplyDelete