GENRE: FANTASY
Marian is an herbalist in training. After saying goodbye to her sister who is leaving town, she heads for her favorite spot in the forest. She is used to hearing a crying entity in the trees, but this time hears something unexpected...
A whinny? Could a horse really be in her clearing?
Marian could see the figure of a dark gray horse through the trees. Her gaze was drawn to a bandage on its foreleg. She hurried forward, but the sudden force of the weeping, stronger than ever, made her stumble. Concern for the animal led her to push back the feeling and clear her mind. Breath rushed into her lungs as a huge weight lifted. Free to move, she circled the clearing.
Someone had set up camp. A saddle and bags sat next to a bedroll. Circling to where the horse grazed, she reached out timidly. The stallion tossed its head, backing up a step. She willed it to be calm and whispered soothing words as she took a slow step forward. He stood still. She carefully began removing the wrappings to examine the wound. Not pretty. It hadn't been cleaned well, and looked like healing had begun before it tore back open. She scowled. Signs of an arrogant man, caring only for his own needs.
Knowing she needed her supplies, she began to put the filthy bandage back on the wound, but decided it would be better off open to the air than risking infection from the dirty rag. She stood and turned to leave when she heard someone coming. Likely the same person who set up camp in her clearing and had the nerve to mistreat their horse. She decided to stay and confront whomever it was.
Good cliffhanger at the end. However, I'm not sure if a horse can weep- that line made me think a person was there instead of an animal. I'd also show a little more of her emotion that makes her decide to stay and confront whoever it was- maybe she clenches her fists or grinds her teeth? I would read on, though, so see who is coming.
ReplyDeleteHerbalist girl, hurt horse and arrogant stranger…all good stuff! I didn't have any confusion over the "weeping." I assumed it was "the crying entity in the trees."
ReplyDeleteThe last line threw me out of the story though. It seemed out of voice, more narrative than emotive.
I would definitely read on, however.
I like Marian a lot – she seems like a forthright person of strong views, and I like that she is quickly lifted out of her own concerns when she encounters another being who’s in distress. I can relate to someone who is angered by the ill treatment of an animal (though I suspect it’s going to turn out that there were extenuating circumstances). I want to know if the horse is going to be OK, and who this guy is who’s either mistreating his horse or running for his life and can’t stop long enough to let said horse recuperate. This is a promising scenario that definitely makes me want to turn the page and see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteA few points: “Breath rushed into her lungs as a huge weight lifted.” – it’s not clear whether this is literal or metaphorical, and wondering about that threw me out of the story for a minute. “… and looked like healing had begun before it tore back open” – I get what this means (the horse wasn’t given enough time to rest and heal after the injury) but the emphasis is off somehow, I feel. “She stood and turned to leave when she heard someone coming.” – timing problem here: is the point that she’s just about to leave when she hears someone coming, or that she stands up and goes to leave when (because) she hears someone coming? “She decided to stay and confront whomever it was.” – I’m not sure “whomever” is correct, but even if it is, this strikes me as awkward – not what you want for the closing sentence of your chapter! I understand the impulse to make it gender-neutral, just in case; but since this is Marian’s POV and she’s clearly already decided the offender is a man, I think you might as well just say “She decided to stay and confront him, whoever he was.” No?
Trust your reader. You're explaining too much:
ReplyDelete"Concern for the animal led her to push back the feeling and clear her mind."
Let me decide she cares for animals, and I'll have more invested in the character. You can just say:
"She pushed back the feeling and cleared her mind."
I'm not sure I'd read on because I don't feel confident that you, the writer, know what you're doing. For instance, how does force of weeping make a person stumble? It just doesn't make sense, at least not to me.
I was quite confused by this. I think you have something interesting here, and I think with some more work it could shine.
ReplyDeleteI had to read the first big paragraph a couple times as my thoughts kept wandering. As a reader, I wouldn't have continued on. As a critiquer, I think you just need to tighten things up and not rush it to make this story great.
"She carefully began removing the wrappings to examine the wound." Whoa - there is a wound? I'd love to see that wound - where is it? The leg, the flank, the face? Is it big, small, circular, gashed?
"It hadn't been cleaned well, and looked like healing had begun before it tore back open." That just sounds awkward to me. I understood what you were saying, but I think you could tighten it by removing the "looked like": It hadn't been cleaned well, and had healed some before it tore back open.
Also, these are huge blocks of writing - very daunting to a reader. Can you break it up by adding in her thoughts? Instead of "signs of an arrogant man" maybe give us a thought rant that shows she thinks an arrogant man did the wrapping.
I hope you take this advice in the spirit it was given. I think you truly have something interesting with her being able to will the stallion calm and the animal (or something TBD) being able to freeze her from entering the clearing.
The weeping thing seemed out of place to me too. I'm going to assume that it's coming from something other than the horse. And I'm also assuming that the heaviness she feels is associated to this weeping thing.
ReplyDeleteI thought the whole last paragraph needs some work. Right now it feels like you're over-informing the reader instead of just storytelling about the situation.
I think if you let us into her head a little more, it could be a more powerful draw to the next chapter. Like, instead of saying he "had the nerve to mistreat her horse," describe her anger and fear as she hears the stranger draw closer.
I would definitely read on. I like the MC and I want to know about the weeper in the trees. And I like long paragraphs--then, I like older novels.
ReplyDelete"Concern for the animal led her..." and "Knowing she needed her supplies.." felt too distant or detached, and tended top bounce me out of Marian's POV.
"Could a horse really be in her clearing?" was startling, but I presume that if I'd read the preceding pages I would know that the weeper drove other living beings away from the clearing, or no one ever traveled that way, or something of the sort.
Good way to end a chapter. Who is coming and how will the confrontation go? The title of your story is pretty intriguing.
ReplyDeleteGreat cliffhanger ending!
ReplyDeleteI would suggest breaking up the paragraphs though. Besides in first one, they are all about the same size and read very tediously. I think that breaking it up, maybe with her talking to the horse?, might help. Something to change the flow.
You do a great job of alternating the lengths and complexities of your sentences, but the way this is structured, I fell into a rhythm of duh duh, duh duh duh duh, duh duh, and you lost me.
Also, maybe you could tap into a little more of what Marian is feeling/thinking here. Just a thought...
Good luck!
Marian, to me, seems detached from the situation so it's a bit hard for me to stay with her when she's doing something mundane like tending to a horse's wound (this is probably only mundane to me). I would like to hear more of her thoughts so I identify with her situation. The scowling part is good, just give me a bit more!
ReplyDeleteI like Marian though, because you know with what she's doing that she's an empathetic, caring person.
One last thing: the last sentence sounds awkward to me for whatever reason. If Marian is truly angry about the owner of the injured horse, make it something more forceful that expresses her desire to tell this person off.
Love the title, by the way. Good luck!
Marian could see the figure of a dark gray horse through the trees. -- You could tighten this up by removing "the figure of."
ReplyDeleteShe hurried forward, but the sudden force of the weeping, stronger than ever, made her stumble.--The weeping seems to come out of nowhere here. Did it start before the beginning of this excerpt? If not, then I'd like to hear it first before she reacts. Also, I'm not sure how the weeping could be so strong it makes her stumble.
(As a side note, I wonder why she would choose this spot as her favorite place if it's frequently haunted by this weeping entity. Maybe that's explained in the rest of your story.)
Why does she assume the rider was arrogant? A truly selfish person wouldn't have even bothered to bandage the wound. I would assume instead he didn't know how to care for a horse's injury.
I would read on to see what kind of person the rider really was.
Hope this was helpful.
Good for her! <- Taking on the guy who wasn't caring for his horse properly. I expect either an unnexpected ally or enemy to follow. Would read on.
ReplyDeleteI understand your premise and your story (I'm a QT, too) and I read over the other comments. My opinion is this: you have a sympathetic character with a definite talent.
ReplyDeleteShe has a voice. Let her use it. Let her mumble her thoughts, add spoken thought. The dialog will carry the story through what she's saying and provide that wonderful white space. It will also enforce her personality.
I've also wondered how you would present the 'crying entity' of the trees. This is a phenomenon I'd love to see explored in depth. Its effect on your lead is an opportunity to create physical/psychological tension for her, driving/hindering her actions. Maybe it doesn't come across at its most powerful here, but it's definitely worth exploring.
I'm glad she'll confront the negligent men. I picture her pushing up her sleeves as she marches over.
It's probably personal preference but it didn't really pull me in or make me want to read on, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Not quite hooked yet. Marian’s anger at the horse owner doesn’t make sense to me. Why does she assume the owner is arrogant, rather than just ignorant of proper horse care? Or maybe the horse was injured and the current owner rescued him? She just seems to jump to an angry conclusion right away, which doesn’t really endear her to me as a character.
ReplyDelete