TITLE: The Hidden
GENRE: YA Fantasty
Dagny, the MC came home to find her mother, who has visions of the future, in bed sobbing. She’s has just described a horrifying vision of a man drowning to her daughter.
“I don’t understand mom, what are you saying?”
“Then an image came to me. It had come unraveled from around the man’s neck.” Hildy looked at her daughter with wide and haunted eyes. “It was your father’s red scarf.”
Dagny couldn’t believe what her mother was telling her.
“It was a bad dream, you must have fallen asleep. Sometimes dreams can seem so real,” Dagny said. She knelt back down by her mom trying to be reassuring but as tears came to her own eyes, a deep sense of dread began to fill her soul.
“It’s all my fault Dagny; he didn’t know who I was.”
“What are you talking about mom? You’re not making any sense, maybe I should go get dad.” Dagny said. She stood up but Hildy caught her arm.
“You don’t understand Dagny, after I saw the vision I was scared, it was the strongest vision I’ve ever had. I left everything and ran to warn him but I was too late, I didn’t get there in time Dagny. I’m sorry. I was too late. I found it on the shore and I knew…” she sobbed.
“Mom what are you trying to say?”
Then Hildy reached down under the covers and pulled up the red scarf she had knitted for her husband. It was soaking wet.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great ending with the scarf. However there's some misplaced commas-
ReplyDelete"Understand, mom."
"my fault, Dagny"
"talking about, Mom?"
"in time, Dagny"
Also, the second paragraph read confusing to me- how can an image unravel from a man's neck? also, the mother says the daughter's name a bit much and it got a tad distracting.
I think it just needs some tightening but I would probably look at the next chapter.
The excerpt is good and creepy. It’s a good moment at the very end, when Hildy produces the soaking-wet scarf. (Although I’m afraid I did wonder why she didn’t do that sooner.) That was a good place to end the chapter, I feel.
ReplyDeleteThere were some things that didn’t work for me. First of all, I had trouble with the punctuation: not enough commas, mostly. (E.g., in the sentence beginning “She knelt back down …” you need several of them to clarify meaning. Also, for direct address: "You don't understand, Dagny.") Also a couple of places felt overwritten, notably “a deep sense of dread began to fill her soul”; you might try something more concrete there. How does this *feel* to Dagny? And also (although I’d no doubt know the answer to this if I’d read the rest of the chapter), where is it that Dagny is offering to go and get her dad from?
I would want to see what happens next, for sure.
OMG! Where's the next chapter?
ReplyDeleteRemove 'and' from 'Hildy looked at her daughter with wide and haunted eyes.' It flows better.
Change comma to a semi-colon in: It was a bad dream, you must have fallen asleep.
You can delete 'Dagny said' in the sixth paragraph. Say Dagny stood up . . . It is then implied that Dagny said it. And yes, you did make an error with the period at the end of that dialogue. It should be a comma.
Change comma to period in: . . . I was scared, it was the strongest . . .
Okay, there's more issues with your use of periods and commas. Time to study your grammar rules. If you've made this many mistakes in 250 words, what is the rest of the novel like.
Otherwise, it was really good.
Good, mysterious ending with the scarf being pulled out. I'd probably read on to find out if the dad really did something bad.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. We are just as confused at first by the mom's words as the daughter - great job.
ReplyDeleteI think you could remove "Then an image came to me." It sounds like the mom is already in the midst of the vision and that sentence really throws off the next one.
I want to read on.
Check your quote style.
ReplyDelete"Maybe I should go get dad," Dagny said.
Other than that, you did a great job with that scene. I'd definitely read the next part.
All the "what are you trying to says" and "you don't understands" knocked me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteEven though this is supposed to be scary or haunting or somehow dramatic, it reads like an infodump to me.
I have to agree with the comments on the punctuation. I would go back through the whole ms. specifically looking for punctuation and grammar mistakes.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing, and this is a big one, I can't suspend disbelief at the premise. I get that you're trying to build tension until revealing that her father is dead, but I just don't buy the scene.
The scarf is still wet, so it must've just happened within a hour or so... why is she laying in bed with a wet scarf instead of calling in police or help? Why isn't she still out at the lake or ocean hunting for her husband? Shouldn't the character have found her mother in the midst of a melee of rescue workers or concerned neighbors? What was he doing there with a scarf on in the first place? (that might just be me, maybe he was walking along the shore and fell in, but with the other things, it feels contrived)
I know this sounds harsh and I'm really sorry - the writing itself, minus the punctuation issues, is very good. But I think you need to go back through and make certain that the motion of the story is believable.
Nice strong writing. There's a lot of emotion in this. But I'm wondering if you could pare it down and get even more emotion in it?
ReplyDeleteI had to admit, I couldn't help but wonder why Hildy wasn't out looking for her husband. Why would she go back to bed and just cry? Even if she saw it in a vision, I'd think she'd still need the confirmation of seeing his body to believe it. What if he managed to do something to save himself at the last instant?
I'd also like to have more feelings from Dagny.
I would definitely read on to see if the Dad was saved somehow.
I agree with everybody else that if there are only two characters in a scene, you don't need to continually repeat their names; it's not how we talk in real life.
ReplyDeleteThe scene is interesting, and I would read on to see what's next, but the writing needs to be cleaned up. I think this is supposed to be Dagny's POV, but I feel like it switches unnecessarily in the last paragraph with, "Hildy...pulled up the red scarf she had knitted for her husband."
Nevertheless, this is a great way to end the chapter. Good luck!
I have some problems with the POV in the scene. We're supposed to be in Dagny's head, but that gets confused with sentences that call her mother by her first name. "She stood up but Hildy caught her arm." I think it would read better as: "She stood up, but her mother caught her arm."
ReplyDeleteI'm also not getting Dagny's dread. What is she worrying about? If her father is dead? If her mother is going crazy?
This is well written, but like some other comments mention, you are lacking quite a few commas. Also "She knelt back down..." is a run on sentence.
ReplyDelete"he didn't know who I was." Also throws me off. Is this the drowning man she's referring to? Her husband didn't know who she was?
This is an interesting excerpt though, if it were cleaned up a bit I would definitely read more.
FASCINATED. Yes, definitely would read on<:
ReplyDeleteNot going to echo others, but punctuation, grammar and not so much name repetition are big ones. I think the mom could sound a bit more in shock.... if this really happened, I imagine she would be in hysterics, not hiding the soaking wet scarf in order for the devastating "reveal" to her daughter. Dramatic to read yes, but also unrealistic when imagining a real mother and daughter. In my opinion it would be better if she were clutching the scarf the whole time, trying to expain why.
ReplyDeleteCareful to show not tell. "a deep sense of dread began to fill her soul"... don't tell us this, describe it so we feel it.
Sounds like an AMAZING premise though, keep working at it! Def. something I would read!
I liked this and would read on. Others have already mentioned the punctuation, so I won't, but there was a 'mom' that should be capitalized too.>> "What are you talking about, Mom?"
ReplyDeleteI would read on though. It sounds interesting.
The soaking wet scarf is an excellent chapter-ender that propels the reader into the next chapter. Good!
ReplyDeleteOverall, the writing needs a good dose of editing and tightening. Others have mentioned your use of names in the dialogue, and I concur. It is often helpful to read one's dialogue out loud -- you'll be amazed at how the cheesy, weakly written parts stand out! I would encourage you to try this with your dialogue.
Also, the following needs some attention:
Then an image came to me. It had come unraveled from around the man’s neck.
The way you've written it, it sounds like the image had come unraveled from around the man's neck. In order to fix this, you might try the following:
Then I saw something. It had come unraveled from around the man's neck.
Now the second sentence refers back to "something," and makes more sense. The "something" is the scarf, which Mom goes on to explain in her next sentence.
Keep going! This can be brilliant once it's tightened up.
It did feel in need of tightening, but an interesting ending hook... I don't know I'd read on much, the writing itself didn't really work for me, but the scarf makes me curious.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
It’s an interesting premise, but I’m not quite hooked. Mostly, I got thrown off by the fact that a child is calling her mother by her first name in her narrative thoughts and calls her father “her mother’s husband.” In my head, I think of my parents as “Mom” and “Dad.” Unless there’s a reason you’ve written into the book why Dagny flips between “Mom” and “Hildy,” I don’t think I’d read on. Sorry.
ReplyDelete