TITLE: Ghost Dog of Roanoke Island
GENRE: Middle Grade Ghost Story
In the middle of a hurricane, twelve-year-old Jack has climbed the cliff next to his island home to search the ocean for his missing father...
Sputtering, Jack wiped at his eyes. The rain whipped sideways across the bluff, stinging his cheeks and ears. The ancient oak tree groaned, its gnarled branches, twisting and turning as though possessed. He stepped over the crooked roots, soggy leaves sucking into the mud beneath his feet. Swallowing, he stepped next to the edge. Black water beat at the narrow strip of sandy beach below. He stared south, toward the point. Frothy whitecaps topped the enormous waves making them look like giant rabid sea-monsters. But there was still no sign of Dad.
Fear pumped through his veins. Where are you Dad? How are we supposed to get Mom and Kimmy now?
“I want off this damn island!” he screamed into the storm.
As if answering his request, the wind pressed hard against his chest, shoving him back to the tree; to where the water pooled into a bowl-shaped gap between the roots, swirling and churning like a witches brew.
Jack’s feet slithered sideways. He grasped at the tree, but it offered no hold. His body tilted as the wet soil slipped beneath him and tossed him into the whirling mire.
The slimy sludge sucked at his legs and arms. It filled his ears and coated his hair. He struggled to free himself but the sludge only pulled harder, inching closer and closer to the rim of the bluff until the river of mud slithered over the edge … carrying him with it.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great imagery of the storm. However there's some misplaced commas:
ReplyDelete"gnarled branches twisting and turning"
Where are you, Dad?
Excellent cliffhanger at the end- I would turn the page.
Whoa! Scary! I want to read on! The description of how it feels to slip and slide in mud is dead-on, and I really felt the tension and the scary as Jack tries to right himself and cling to solid ground.
ReplyDeleteOverall I think this is really good, so my comments are going to be really nitpicky. (1) “Fear pumped through his veins” – I’m never sure what that kind of thing means. What’s he feeling here? (2) “witches brew” should be “witch’s brew” or, if more than one witch, “witches’ brew”. (3) you need a comma after “waves” in the sentence beginning “Frothy whitecaps topped…”; also after “himself” in the sentence beginning “He struggled…”. (4) In the first para you’ve got three or four sentences in a row with the structure “X did Y, Z-ing …” You might consider changing up one of the middle ones. (5) I found the alliteration of “slimy sludge sucked” a little much.
Good cliffhanger!
ReplyDeleteI like the descriptive narrative a lot, and especially the description of his encounter with the mud. The only negative comment I have is that the paragraph describing the storm seems to go on a bit too long.
Good job. I'd read on.
Great descriptions. I could picture the storm around him. I'd turn the page fast to see what happened to the poor boy. Does he get carried away?
ReplyDeleteOthers have addressed the edits that are needed. I would add that "Fear pumped through his veins" is a little cliche.
ReplyDeleteBut fantastic pacing and amazing tension. And you wove the emotional into it effortlessly. Great job!
The tension is there and a connection to the character is there, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteBut, I think it could be pared down. There is one too many comparisons for me that by the end were distracting.
soggy leaves sucking into the mud beneath his feet - because its his feet pushing the soggy leaves down, I thought that sucking was the wrong verb to use. I had to read it a couple of time.
When he asks the rhetorical question of where his dad is, I'd rather see him fall to his knees and actually call out, "Dad!" And then instead of the long sentence, How are we supposed to get Mom and Kimmy now, I 'd shorten it or delete it all together. The reader at that point should know what needs to be done. They'll understand why he's calling out for his dad.
At the end, I wasn't sure how his feet started slithering or why. And then he got sucked into a whirling mire, but he's on top of a bluff near a tree. I don't see a river of mud being on top of a cliff by the shore. It's high ground. The ground would get muddy, but I don't see a river of mud that literally sucks him in up over his head, which is how this read to me. I think that last part could use some clarification.
But, that said, I'd read at least for a little bit to see what happens when he lands.
Strong emotions and a solid feel to the storm and the island...with that said however, all I kept thinking is 'too many adjectives.' Far too many. Way, way too many. Distracting and unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteThat's one of the hardest things I learned (from the must-have 'Self-Editing For Fiction Writers') but it is an immediate way to tighten up your writing.
I liked this, but ended up re-reading it without the adjectives and liking it far more. (here's a quickie example:
'Black water beat at the narrow strip of sandy beach below."
Black adds nothing and beaches ARE sandy so the adjective isn't needed and they tend to upset the rhythm of the writing.
I loved this. I don't have a single complaint! Well, maybe one. What in the heck is Jack doing looking for his dad in a hurricane? That doesn't seem like the best time. I mean, with the limited visibility and all that. So...yeah, wondering about that. And maybe whatever came before this would clue me into that.
ReplyDeleteStrong writing though. My dinner would probably burn and my children would go unbathed to read the next bit. :)
The tension in this sucked me right in along with Jack. I will agree with some that it might be slightly overwritten as far as description, but I still like it.
ReplyDeleteWould undoubtedly keep reading at this point.
I like the cliffhanger ending, and the way you describe the scene. My only nitpicky thing is what someone else already mentioned with the sucking and slithering, these also threw me off and I had to re-read to visualize. Also they were used a couple of times each which is what some refer to as echoing. I have to disagree with a previous commenter on the "Black water..." sentence. I like it the way it is.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. You've set a scary scene and wonderful mood. The white-knuckle tension built definitely makes me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteGood cliff hanger where he he isn't exactly hanging on the cliff. :)
ReplyDeleteI like this. I would probably turn the page.
I think it good have a little more energy right at the end. Shorter and faster hitting sentences. Show his panic.
You used a form of "suck" twice in this piece, both times referencing the mud. That jumped out at me.
I agree with the readers who suggest paring adjectives. (It's hard, I know! I have the same problem.) And I too would like to hear him yell "Dad!" rather than thinking it, assuming it makes sense in the larger story that we don't see.
ReplyDeleteBut I liked this a lot. I felt the tension and fear. The only part that tripped me up was the very end -- how does Jack get from a bowl-shaped gap to the edge of a bluff? But perhaps it's clearer to anyone who's read the earlier pages.
Really great stuff! The language is spot on for an MG, and the tension is great! Good characterizations, good plot, and great hook. I'd absolutely read on!
ReplyDeleteI could be wrong, but MG still doesn't like profanity - even 'damns'.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I like the solid voice and writing here. Nice work<:
I'd lose the ellipses in the last sentence, as they don't add anything (or use a dash instead, which would make it more urgent, IMO) but otherwise, nice cliffhanger. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc