GENRE: contemporary/urban fantasy
Over the past few days sisters Bennet (the narrator), Brooke and Sorrel have been approached by someone pretending to be David Campbell, the lawyer handling their dead great-aunt's will -- someone who looked like him but wasn't. They're now meeting with the real David, who is just about to tell them something really interesting about Great-Aunt Josephine's unexpected bequest when he starts behaving extremely strangely. Then this happens:
“No!” he growled, and then, again, “No! Not again, damn it! I won’t let you, you bastard.”
It was pretty clear by that time that whoever he was talking to, it wasn’t us.
I said, “What—” but didn’t get any further, because just then all that sudden tension went out of his body and he fell forward over the desk, head on one outflung arm, apparently out cold.
“Mr Campbell!” I shook his shoulder, gently and then less gently; Brooke slapped his cheek. “Mr Campbell -- David -- wake up!”
He might have been dead, for all the reaction we got. Oh, sh**, I thought. This is bad.
“David!” said Brooke, in her nurse voice. “Come on, now, David, stay with me.”
Sorrel had shot up out of her chair and was backed up against the wall, her eyes wide and dark. I figured she was as freaked out by this situation as I was, not being used to it like Brooke.
Don’t panic. Don’t panic. It was hard not to; I didn’t have a lot of prior experience with unconscious people, and to me unconscious looked disturbingly like dead.
After a minute he sat up, then blinked, and I was just about to pass out myself in sheer relief that he hadn’t died on us when he opened his eyes again and looked at me.
Ohsh**ohsh**ohsh**. Too late, I understood why Sorrel looked so terrified.
Because it wasn’t David-Campbell-our-lawyer anymore, behind those eyes. It was the other one.
And now we were on his turf.
Great cliffhanger at the end. I like the voice of the narrator. However, the part where David falls forward onto his desk is a run-on sentence and could be broken up into two or three. Also, the "not being used to it like Brooke" took me out of the story a little- we can tell by her actions that she's not used to unconscious people. Otherwise, though, great chapter ending.
ReplyDeleteI agree with iLuvspidrs, "not being used to it like Brooke" can be inferred from the mention of Brooke's "nurse voice."
ReplyDeleteAlso, this sentence was a bit confusing, "After a minute he sat up, then blinked, and I was just about to pass out myself in sheer relief that he hadn’t died on us when he opened his eyes again and looked at me."
He blinked then opened his eyes again? Maybe he sat up with his eyes still closed? Or moaned? Basically, I was just wondering why she didn't notice the eye change when he blinked.
BUT, those are two tiny, nit-picky things. This excerpt was very strong. I like Bennet's voice, LOVE the unique names, and would keep reading based on this.
Good luck!
I liked the ending, and thought that may be what would happen based on what the man said at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI didn't fall into it completely. Though with some tightening, I think you'd have a great thing here.
Things like "gently and then less gently; Brooke slapped his cheek." I would use a period instead of a semi-colon.
I think if you changed your "was" verbs to something stronger I would get hooked. "Sorrel had shot up out of her chair and was backed up against the wall, her eyes wide and dark. I figured she was as freaked out by this situation as I was..." isn't as compelling in my opinion as using "sorrel shot out of her chair and scrambled away from the body, her eyes wide and dark. By the look on her face, I knew I wasn't the only one freaking out." Something like that but maintaining true to your voice would resonate more powerfully in the scene.
Finally, "Because it wasn't David-Campbell-our-lawyer" is a great line but I got thrown off by the "anymore, behind those eyes". I think you could take out the anymore to make it stronger.
But that is of course just my opinion.
I think it is a great cliffhanger for the end of a chapter. I would want to see what the characters do to get out of the situation.
Fun stuff! Great voice. I thought the tone was just right. Nice description - I could visualize everything easily and vividly. I think you could tighten things up a bit - make stronger word choices and get to the point a bit more directly, and then this would zing. For instance, you use 'was' a lot. Still, as it is, you definitely have me wondering what has taken over the lawyer, and how these three sisters are going to deal with the situation. I'd definitely read on. I enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, really liked this. Loved the voice, and the cliff-hanger sealed the deal! As Judall said, the following sentence hit me as too passive as well:
ReplyDelete"Sorrel had shot up out of her chair and was backed up against the wall, her eyes wide and dark."
But, that's nitpicking. Great job
Great tension. On my suggested fixes, everyone else has already said what I was going to say.
ReplyDeleteI love their differing reactions, by the way. That was really well done.
It was a bit too confusing for me to enjoy. The premise had me intrigued. But I did understand the importance of the cliffhanger and you left off at a part that makes me want to read on to see how the characters deal with this guy.
ReplyDeleteOn with the nits!
ReplyDeleteThis seemed a little wordy and ungainly to me:
"I said, “What—” but didn’t get any further, because just then all that sudden tension went out of his body"
Maybe this instead?
"I got as far as "What--" before all of the tension went out of his body"
I'd also split this into two:
"then blinked, and I was"
This seemed a little weird:
"I didn’t have a lot of prior experience with unconscious people, and to me unconscious looked disturbingly like dead."
Weird, I guess, because for unconscious to look like dead the narrator would have to have experience with dead people. But not unconscious people? I don't know, it just sounded odd.
I agree with the above commenters, great cliffhanger. I think you can tighten it up a bit:
ReplyDeleteIt was pretty clear by that time that whoever he was talking to, it wasn’t us.
You use 'that' twice in this one sentence and it reads awkwardly. I think it might be better if it was straightforward -
It was pretty clear that whoever he was talking to, it wasn't us.
I said, “What—” but didn’t get any further, because just then all that sudden tension went out of his body and he fell forward over the desk, head on one outflung arm, apparently out cold.
I think you can break this up a little to make it less confusing.
I don't like the dialogue tags at the start of a comment, but that might be a taste thing... but you might have the start of dialogue, and then drop the rest down to the next sentence:
"What," I started....
Then describe what about David stops the character from speaking.
"because just then" reads awkwardly to me, and I would remove the word "apparently".
I hope that helps some - good luck with it.
Excellent close. Great cliff hanger. Double personalities... good stuff.
ReplyDeleteNice writing but I think it can be pared down in some places. i.e. 'I said, "What -" but ..." why not just keep it active and say ... "What -" His body went limp and fell foward over the desk, etc.
I also didn't understand why you blotted out the bad language when you use it in Mr. Campbell's dialogue earlier.
I'd definitely read on. Good Job.
I liked this. The only niggle I have is this rather long sentence:
ReplyDeleteAfter a minute he sat up, then blinked, and I was just about to pass out myself in sheer relief that he hadn’t died on us when he opened his eyes again and looked at me.
I'd break it up into two. For me it was a mouthful, or rather eyeful, and I got tripped up.
All in all, nice work. I'd read on.
It's a good chapter ending. The reader has a hint of what is to come next, and it make the reader want to turn the page.
ReplyDeleteThe oh**'s are not necessary in my opinion. In dialog, it works better than in narrative.
The writing needs some edit time:
Don’t panic. Don’t panic. It was hard not to; I didn’t have a lot of prior experience with unconscious people, and to me unconscious looked disturbingly like dead.
You could rewrite this to have much better impact.
It was hard not to panic, I didn't have a lot of prior experience with unconscious people; to me they looked disturbingly like dead people.
This conveys your original idea, keeps some of your descriptors, and is easier on the reader. Edit this sequence, with this in mind.
Interesting story.
The good thing is that I could feel the panic in the situation. The downside is that the panic overrode the narrative. The emotion was so potent, I had to read the ending twice to understand what was happening.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Rick on his suggestions: first person narration should be written in the "present"--we the reader are experiencing what the narrator is experiencing at every moment, so when the description lapses into the "past" it lessens the impact of the first person POV.
Otherwise, I'd like to see what happens next, if not the beginning of the chapter.
I have to disagree with the comment regarding the ohsh**s. I think they do add something to narrative. As this was written in first person, it's like stepping into your MCs shoes and if I was in a situation like that, chances are I would be thinking that too. It felt more real.
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to see what comes next.
I like the narrator's voice and the increasing tension here. But the because Bennet is so panicked to begin with, her panic at the chapter-ending revelation doesn't have as much punch as it could.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could tone down the earlier emotion a bit? Like taking out the "Oh, sh**, I thought. This is bad." And the "about to pass out myself in sheer relief."
I wondered about those eyes -- they must be really something, that the sisters can tell just by looking at them that he's ... inhuman? Otherworldly? I would certainly read on.
Very interesting set up and good cliffhanger. My only tweak is that there's a LOT of dialogue tags, several of which aren't necessary (like the one where we're in the MC's direct thoughts and you put an unneeded tag on it). But yes, I do think I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteFASCINATING - and I'm completely snagged. Nice work<:
ReplyDeleteLove it! Took me a minute to get into the scene for jumping into the middle of it, but I love the last line and would definitely read on. :)
ReplyDeleteNice job.
~Merc
Your "cliff-hanger" sentence at the end is good. Definitely propels the reader into the next chapter!
ReplyDeleteThe writing needs editing and tightening. Your narrator's voice shines through, but will be even more compelling once you tighten things up.
Things like:
I said, “What—” but didn’t get any further, because just then all that sudden tension went out of his body and he fell forward over the desk, head on one outflung arm, apparently out cold.
It's fairly clunky the way it's written. Maybe try:
"What - "
I didn't get any further. The tension went out of David's body and he fell forward over the desk, head on one outflung arm. He was out cold.
Keep going! This could really become an "edge of your seat" story.
Great voice and cliff-hanger. I'm a psych student, does he have multiple personality disorder? And the other one is evil? But I suspect it's something other than that since this is fantasy. I don't have anything to add to the above comments - I agree with them overall - and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if responding to crits is the done thing, but I wanted to thank everyone who commented VERY MUCH and answer a couple of questions.
ReplyDelete@Samantha Elliott -- yes, I was imagining that when he sits up he's blinking but mostly his eyes are still closed.
@Rick -- lack of context here; previously we have learnt that the sisters' parents died several years ago, as did their grandmother, so Bennet has definitely seen dead people before, and would retain pretty strong impressions of those experiences which are coming back to haunt her at this moment.
@Charlie V -- it wasn't me who bleeped the bad words, it was Authoress. Her blog, her rules :)
@gringo -- sorry you don't like the bad language; I'm afraid that's just how this character thinks :).
@Blodwyn -- not exactly MPD, no. AS you guessed, it's something less psychological and more, well, paranormal, I guess. Similar effect, though :)
Thanks again to everybody for the useful crits and the encouragement! This is my first time participating in one of these, and it's been a totally positive experience!