TITLE: In a Dry and Weary Land
GENRE: Christian Fantasy
Blayn, a young magician in the land of Coventree, is getting pressure from his mentors to give up his girlfriend, because magicians and witches are not supposed to encumber themselves with lasting relationships. But they have managed to persuade her and she tells him she's breaking it off.
"Morwen?"
She shook her head and drew her mouth tight to hold the sobs in. She held his gaze.
Blayn slumped back in the chair, turning his palms up in surrender.
"I can fight them," he said, looking down at his hands, "but how in the name of all the gods can I fight you?"
She did not dare answer and held her fist to her mouth.
He continued in a voice almost free of inflection, "Martin wants me to go do further research on military magic. He can't give me orders, but it was as close as he could make it. So I guess I can go to New Bristol. I'll take you to my mother's place. You can grow as many herbs there as you like and start your business."
He looked up and a note of bitterness crept into his voice, "You'd be doing me a favour by keeping the place up."
She took her hand from her mouth and found she could speak.
"There's no need to accompany me, Blayn. I know how to get to Millrun."
Blayn pounded his fist on the table and Morwen jumped. "I will not have you travelling by yourself," he yelled and stalked out of the room. The front door slammed.
Why, she thought as she wiped away the tears and cleared away the soup, does winning sometimes feel so much like losing?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like that last sentence. She’s right: sometimes, in a relationship, winning does feel an awful lot like losing. I feel like she’s recognizing that she’s just made a terrible mistake.
ReplyDeleteHowever …
Maybe I just need more context, but I don’t really get why he’s so violently opposed to her travelling by herself. Seems like there could be two basic explanations: (a) the journey is really dangerous, and he is legitimately concerned that something bad will happen to her if she’s not adequately protected; or (b) he considers her incompetent, doesn’t trust her, or is feeling wounded in his ego by her assertion of independence (or all three). Explanation (a) gives me one kind of feeling about Blayn; explanation (b) gives me a whole other kind, a much less sympathetic one.
This is interesting! :-) Is Martin a different species / variation of human than Millrun or Morwen? I am clueless about this genre...but I would read on. I like what you have! :-)
ReplyDeleteI liked it and would read on.
ReplyDeleteA few thoughts:
"He continued in a voice almost free of inflection" doesn't tell me anything. Do you mean monotone? Do you mean a cold-toned voice? Do you mean his voice sounded dead, tinged with anger, etc.
"He can't give me orders, but it was as close as he could make it." Sounded awkward to me, the second part in particular. He can't give me orders, but we both knew it was one....or something might work better.
Also - "So I guess I can go to New Bristol" makes it sound like he wants to, but everything else makes me think that he doesn't want to go. "So I guess I am going to New Bristol" makes me think he is going because he is ordered.
I am intrigued, especially with the last line. I would read on.
I'm hooked. I like the title, I like the strong emotion combined with fairly level, factual dialogue, and I want to know how this gets resolved. I can't think of anything to change.
ReplyDeleteI like this, and I would continue reading.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that through me was the last sentence. I like it as a whole, but the part - she thought as she wiped the tear and cleared away the soup - sounds weird to me.
Just a suggestion:
"dialogue," she thought as she wiped awy the tears, "dialogue." Then something about her clearing the dishes.
Very well described. I could see them so vividly here. I loved this:
ReplyDelete"I can fight them," he said, looking down at his hands, "but how in the name of all the gods can I fight you?"
I think this snippet suffers from the 250 word limit, because I wanted more of their conversation. Without that context, it's difficult for me to know if I'm being helpful. But they both seemed so closed off here - pretending to feel something they don't - her acting like this is what she wants to do and him acting like it doesn't bother him as much as it does. Lots of emotions under there wanting to bubble to the surface. That's what I want to see more of - the struggle. I'm not asking for blatant melodrama - just some subtle behaviors or mannerisms that show how painful this is. You did more of this with her, until the second half of the snippet. He seems very calm, and her rebuttal to his offer to go with her seems also too devoid of emotion. Whay was she suddenly able to not only speak, but to do so easily and calmly?
My take on his last line of his and the burst of emotion is that's his way of showing how much this bothers him. And the only thing he CAN do to help/protect/take care of her is to accompany her on the trip. Still - a better reason for him to think he needs to go with her can be expressed, as b.s. as it may be.
I'd definitely read more of this. Good job.
I mean threw. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteOkay, for starters, your last sentence TOTALLY got me. I love it! Yes, I would definitely read on for sure. I really like your dialogue, and I like that it helps to move the story along. I am in love with the name Blayn, can I steal it :) KIDDING.
ReplyDeleteMilitary magic is a cool name for a magic type... it makes me think all sorts of things!
I wish I had more info (next time we should do 500 words lol) just because I want to know why she is making herbs and such, but I am assuming she is like a potions chick... so it's interesting to think of one of them all into military magic, and the other all about the love potions and such!
I like this story! I would definitely read it!
Wealhtheow, there is a certain amount of danger but she's handled it before. But he wasn't in love with her then. c.e.lawson has pretty much nailed it, very hard to do with such a short snippet.
ReplyDeleteLitgirl, Martin is his mentor and superior (although he can't order him to go anywhere). Millrun is the village that both Blayn and Morwen come from.
Judall, I'm not sure why you're not getting the "voice free of inflection" part. Yes, it means close to a monotone. I think you're right about rewording the "orders" line. What do you think of "He can't give me orders, but he might as well have." Your comment about the following line is spot on. Changing that too.
Thanks Joanna. :)
Judy, you are also spot on. That sentence can be improved.
c.e. I'm going to have to mull the question of showing emotions over a bit more. I think you're on to something, but it'll take me a while to figure it out.
Jamie, Blayn is a real name, although I chose the least conventional spelling. Blain, Blaine, Blayne, they're all out there. So you can have it if you want. Yes, she's a herbalist (as was Blayn's mother), so she'd be the go-to person for remedies.
I thank all of you for taking the time to respond. I did leave a comment earlier, but Blogger ate it, apparently.
I like the premise and the tension in this scene. However, I have to agree with whoever above me about "voice almost free of inflection." If it's monotone or dull, say so. For whatever reason, it just sounds weird to drag it into a phrase. But it's not terribly distracting; only a nitpick. :-)
ReplyDeleteAlso, "turning palms up in surrender," I keep trying to visualize what that means, but I didn't realize people actually did that.
I adore the last sentence. So fantastic. Good luck!
Like wealhtheow, I wondered about Blayn's insistence that Morwen not travel alone. But I'm sure the reason is clear for anyone who's read up to this point, rather than only these 250 words. (And I mainly wondered because men who treat women like they're helpless get on my nerves.)
ReplyDeleteI liked the emotion suggested by Morwen's initial inability to speak and Blayn's stairstepping from monotone to bitterness to anger. I would certainly read on.
I really like this, but I kept getting thrown off that we didn't know whose POV we're in until that last line. Other than that, I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteThis is nitpicking, but I got thrown off by the mental image of her stuffing her fist into her mouth - even when you said she was just holding it there.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of this is strong, I particularly like the way you described Blayn's emotions with his body language and tone of voice. Nice work.
I would probably have to have read more previously to quite get into this, as I'm not yet, so the ending didn't really make me want to read on, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I liked it, and the premise made me want to read on. Most of my comments/crits have been addressed above - I'd be interested to see more emotion, more of the thoughts of the MC, and the "free of inflection" line felt clunky to me. But overall, good job.
ReplyDeleteIn just this short snippet, you have Morwen, Martin, and Millrun -- three names that begin with M and have two syllables. This can confuse the reader. One of them, especially Morwen or Martin, needs to be changed.
ReplyDeleteThat comment may sound petty, and you could probably point to published books that have similar names for main characters, but as you try to claw your way up in publishing land, that's just a handicap.
Mark in the Seattle area