TITLE: Illusions
GENRE: Young Adult Paranormal Romance
Kate realized the brakes on her stolen car won't work and flings herself from the vehicle just before it careened off a cliff. Unfortunately, she did not cut herself loose from the seatbelt in time and followed the car over the edge. She landed on a ledge twenty feet below while the car landed two-hundred farther down. With injuries, she climbed her way up to the top, took a few moments to "collect herself", and was attacked by a man. Weak but fighting, she incapacitated the man in the dirtiest of ways (yes - a solid knee to the groin works wonders). Then the cocking of a Smith and Wesson nine millimeter sounded behind her.
Kate froze. Had she been in normal form, she would’ve taken the gamble and attempted to strip away the gun. But she was not in good condition and wouldn’t be fast enough to grab the gun before a bullet exploded from the barrel.
“Put your hands behind your head and get on your knees.” A female voice said.
Cuffed and forced to lie on her face in the dirt, Kate was too tired and in too much pain to resist.
The male attacker got to his feet. His legs filled her line of sight. She waited for them to bend, to kick out, to exact revenge on her. The man’s legs did bend as he leaned down in front of her. His left eye started to darken from her punch. Kate had just enough energy left to smirk a little. At least I got in one good hit.
He bared his teeth when he saw the smirk. Kate looked into his right eye since the other had started to swell shut. Green, the exact color of her peridot necklace, shined back at her.
Kate couldn’t read his expression. Shock, surprise, regret, fear, hate…she didn’t know stared back at her. Those green eyes scared her more than the gun.
The man shoved a black bag over her head, a needle poked into her arm, and a burning sensation spread.
Kate’s thoughts become incoherent and her senses dragged her down into a bottomless pit. One thought floated up from the abyss before darkness completely descended.
What a way to go.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like this. Lots of tension from the beginning, and Kate is feisty all the way through. Good job!
ReplyDeleteBUT - I think you can make it shine a bit more by changing some of your word choices. Regarding the man's black eye - you use the word "start" twice in as many paragraphs. Why not change it up a bit? Maybe something like, "His left eye had aleady begun to darken from her punch, or something better than that. And then next para. "the other was rapidly swelling shut". I think you could use better description here that would get rid of the mundane started.
I would keep reading.
I got a great mental picture and I would keep reading. I loved the line..."Kate had just enough energy left to smirk a little." Great mental image...shows that she is one tough cookie!
ReplyDeleteWhat a bummer. She survives an accident only for this to happen. I liked it. I'd be eager to read the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteNow, does 'normal form' have something to do with the paranormal part or are you referring to her injuries?
Technical issue: change period to comma and change the A to lower case in the dialogue " . . . get on your knes," a female voice said.
Can you show us Kate being cuffed and forced to lie down instead of telling us it had already happened. Also, is she literally lying on her face? Or is She lying down with her face in the dirt?
The following sentence confused me: Shock, surprise, regret, fear, hate . . . she didn't know stared back at her. You're missing a word in the last part for it to make sense.
Otherwise, I liked it. Good luck!
Fantastic scene!
ReplyDeleteI thought it was really well paced and instantly drew me in. Just really great writing.
The only line that stopped me was "Green, the exact color..." I think it's because "Green shined back at her" doesn't make sense to me. You may want to think that through a little.
I liked this! Kate is a tough cookie, and I have a strange feeling that she'll get out of this mess somehow. Loved the 'last smirk' line - ha! You've made the man very mysterious - even his feelings for her are ambiguous right now, which for me adds to the fun. But I suspect, with the emphasis on his eyes, that he will turn out to be a romantic interest. Not sure if that clue being so obvious is a good thing or a bad thing, but it is a teensy bit cliche, I think. (How embarrassing if I'm wrong here, LOL.) One of the things I'd recommend is combing through and brutally deleting any and all cliches/overused phrases - 'couldn't read his expression', ''bottomless pit, 'darkness completely descended', etc. You obviously have the skill to think of a few unique ways to say these same things. Like the smirk - that was totally unexpected and I loved it. Surprise us with some unique turns of phrase as well. One last thing - I couldn't tell what she meant by her last line - it could be something like the drugs they gave her felt GOOD, or could be that she was ticked off because she was so helpless in a dire situation. You might want to be a little more clear on what she means - clarity is a good thing. :) Good luck with this - it seems like a fun story, and I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this character and I thought, overall the writing was very good. There were some spots that seemed a little awkward and more telling than putting me in the action - I think you can flesh this out a bit so that the reader is right there with her. It's a very exciting scene, but as someone mentioned earlier, things like being told she was cuffed with her face in the dirt kind of pulled me away from the action, where tweaking it to show the motion would keep me right inside the story.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those rare cases where I think you can add more instead of cutting prose - most of the time writers need to cut to make it stronger.
Another thing I caught was a tense change in the last paragraph:
Kate’s thoughts become incoherent and her senses dragged her down into a bottomless pit.
'become' is present tense, the rest is past - you want to double check that everything stays in the same tense.
There is a lot going on in this scene!
ReplyDeleteKate is a likable character; brave and savvy. I love that she's a tough gal!
I think there are a few issues with the writing.
"she was not in good condition"
Given what has happened this is an understatement. Find stronger word choices.
"His legs filled her line of sight."
I understand what this means, but it's awkward.
"Those green eyes scared her more than the gun"
This is such a bold statement - perhaps too cliche. Why were the eyes so scary?
"At least I got one good hit"
Sounds like first person...cut it out or add "she thought".
"her senses dragged her down into a bottomless pit."
Again, I know what this means, but it's hard to understand how un-working senses can drag her to a bottomless pit. I'd revisit this sentence.
Thanks for a fun read. Keep working!
Sorry-didn't mean to be anonymous! I own up to my comments!
ReplyDeleteThere was a discontinuity of tenses in the blurb too. This is something you're going to have to watch for.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble getting into this myself. The seatbelt pulls her over the cliff and then miraculously releases her?
The "Cuffed" sentence reads backwards to me. It's because she doesn't resist that she ends up cuffed.
I also have trouble believing she would notice the precise colour of a man's eyes at a time like that, or that the colour would scare her. And, green is so cliche.
It should be "shone", not "shined". The former is intransitive, the latter transitive.
Bottomless pit and abyss in close succession is overworking the metaphor. I'd cut the second.
On the positive side, good use of tension. I would read on.
I liked this as well. Kate does seem fiesty, to say the least. I think the only thing I have to say is to cut the third sentence. I'm pretty sure the reader is gonna know that she's not in good condition at this point. I didn't even read the accident, the perilous climb back to the top, nor the fight, and I know it. So...yeah. Just a though.
ReplyDeleteThis was just FUN. Very much enjoyed this. I agree with the commenter who said:
ReplyDelete[The following sentence confused me: Shock, surprise, regret, fear, hate . . . she didn't know stared back at her. You're missing a word in the last part for it to make sense.]
I could figure out what you were trying to say on the second or third read but it doesn't quite work. Other than that (and the minor nit-picky things that other commenters said) this really produced an MC worth knowing for a while!
This worked for me. I think some minor edits could streamline this, but overall I thought it was very strong.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
(Warning: This isn't a genre I would normally read, so my comments should be weighed accordingly.)
ReplyDeleteUnless you are really killing off your character, or unless this is the end of the book, the reader is stuck now. There's nothing to look forward to in the next chapter. I would end with: "The man shoved a black bag over her head, a needle poked into her arm, and a burning sensation spread."
There's a dramatic sense of panic in that sentence, and I would want to find out what happens next.
The writing is well paced, and plenty descriptive, but it needs a good edit. For example: "Cuffed and forced to lie on her face in the dirt, Kate was too tired and in too much pain to resist." Regardless of her pain, you already have her cuffed and on the ground, so resistance seems to be out of the question, it doesn't belong.
The lead character seems a bit bigger than life, but perhaps that's just part of the genre.
I agree with most of the suggestions that everyone gave, so won't repeat them. I feel your pain with the change in tense-I'm very good at doing that myself LOL!
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day I LOVE Kate and her cocky smirk. You bring her to life beautifully and I would love to read more about her!
I like the action right from the start. Even with the first two words of the submission, "Kate froze." I knew something was coming. I was immediately anticipating the action.
ReplyDeleteI was confused though, when it switched to first person for a thought? "At least I got in one good hit." I was guessing that was Kate's thought at that moment, but it threw me a little.
I do like the last line, though. It definitely makes me want to read what comes next. Nice work.
You've got a lot of helpful advice already, but my initial thought -- for what it's worth -- is to rethink word choice.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, this paragraph felt awkward to me: "Had she been in normal form, she would’ve taken the gamble and attempted to strip away the gun. But she was not in good condition and wouldn’t be fast enough to grab the gun before a bullet exploded from the barrel."
A person in a bad situation thinks in short, simple words and as a reader I expect the narration to follow suit. Like: "She wanted to lunge for the gun. But she couldn't, not now. She was too hurt to move fast enough."
But that might be more personal taste than rule of thumb. And you certainly have a lot of tension here, plus hints of an interesting relationship to develop between Kate and the green-eyed man.
Overall I liked it and would have loved to keep reading, but I am going to agree with the rest of the lot and say word choice. A good idea is use a thesarus (spelling), it helps a lot with other words. I use it a lot in my writting, to get more descriptive terms and also so I don't overuse words too much. But great job!
ReplyDeleteYou did very good job with writing the action in this scene. This is a lot for a teen to have happen to her. Good chapter ending. I'd be turning the page to see what happens when she wakes up.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence. The writing is solid and I couldn't find anything technically wrong with it, but it didn't really grip me either. Maybe because Kate talks too much about the emotions she sees on the attacker's face, but not really what she's feeling herself.
ReplyDeleteKinda on the fence too. I liked some bits of it, but I'd like to get a bit more, I dunno, in her head?
ReplyDeleteI like the very last line quite a bit, but dunno how much I'm compelled to turn the page... I guess, as much as I like cliffs like this, I just sorta expect the MC to survive ;) so it's more a question of what happened, more so than if he/she will survive.
Anyway. Good luck.
~Merc
This scene has a lot of potential and it's a good "chapter ender."
ReplyDeleteThe writing needs some solid editing and tightening to make this scene really zing.
For instance:
The man’s legs did bend as he leaned down in front of her. His left eye started to darken from her punch. Kate had just enough energy left to smirk a little. At least I got in one good hit.
Would Kate actually see the eye starting to darken? The way you've written it implies that it was darkening right before her eyes. And her internal dialogue should be italicized and set apart.
Try:
Instead, the legs bent as the man squatted to look at Kate. His left eye was already darkening from her punch. Kate had just enough energy left to smirk.
At least I got in one good hit.
Keep tightening! This has potential.
I love fiesty female heroines, so I love Kate. I was a bit confused on the seatbelt thing, how she could be caught in a car, then released, then fall 20 feet pretty hard, and still be only a bit banged up.
ReplyDeleteI loved the last line.
That premise sounds like my worst nightmare, and I'm not even talking about the attack. :o
ReplyDeleteI think there could be a little nudging here. Like the first couple paragraphs, show how she is winded and weak.
The other thing is possibly confusing descriptos - like his eye darkening from the punch. You need to show that it didn't suddenly start darkening as he leaned down in front of her. It probably was swollen and reddened from the punch even before he leaned over.
And why did he lean over?
And why bare his teeth - which sounds as though he's showing his teeth like a dog would.