TITLE: From the Neighborhood
GENRE: YA
Two cops have just broken up a small gathering of kids hanging out on the street in front of Jack's house.
Jack was so preoccupied with the odd bit of lust swirling about his head that he forgot about the cops sitting by the curbside until Connelly let out a sharp, high-pitched whistle.
"Yeah?" Jack asked, not bothering to hide the uncertainty in his voice.
"You need to be careful hanging around with those guys, Jackie." Buddy Boy said, leaning over his partner to look Jack in the face.
"They're okay. We were just sitting on the porch. No biggie."
What's Buddy Boy's deal? How does he even know my name... And why the hell is he calling me Jackie?
"Yeah, look, I know they're your friends and all, but Rusty and Jinxie get into some things. Your mom wouldn't want you to get into trouble, okay? Just don't do anything stupid."
My mom? Wait a second.
"You know my mom?"
"Ohhh, yeah... he knows her." Connelly sang it, biting down on his fat bottom lip as a mist of spittle escaped from the space between his teeth, hitting the dash.
The glare Buddy Boy shot his partner wasn't lost on Jack. Funny, hanging out with Rusty wouldn't get him in near as much trouble as jacking a cop in the face, but that's pretty much what he wanted to do now.
"Just," Buddy Boy continued, "be careful, and don't get involved too much, okay?"
He didn't wait for a response. Jack was still kneeling on the ground at window's height when the squad car pulled out onto the street.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm a little confused, maybe.
ReplyDeleteJack is hanging with a bunch of guys, but he's having a lust problem. So I don't know from this if he's gay, or if "guys" is a generic term and there were some females along.
Also, I was nearly to the end of the scene before I realized the cops were sitting in a patrol car. Maybe that's explained earlier, but it threw me a bit.
I'm not too crazy about the tone, but it would probably appeal to a younger crowd. Even so, it's realistic and the writing is good, IMO.
I agree--I didn't get that they were in a cop car and the lust line threw me. I don't like when you interruped "Just," Buddy Boy continued, "but... It doesn't flow well. Other than that, I like it and can see some tension forming for the charachter.
ReplyDelete*scratching my head.*
ReplyDeleteFirst thing. Change the period to a comma in this: . . . around with those guys, Jackie," Buddy Boy said . . . (you had Jackie." which is incorrect).
I'm curious about the lust part. Makes me want to go back just to read what that's about. Okay, that's not what this exercise is about, but what the heck.
I'm assuming Jack knows who Buddy Boy is even though he's surprised that the guy knows Jack's name, sort of.
Dash? So we are aware ahead of time Connelly is in a car? Okay, I get it now. Him and BB are cops. Took me two reads to get that. Sorry.
Jacking? I'm guessing a teen would know what that means.
Okay, the last paragraph confused me. Though I did like it. Who hit Jack? When did he start kneeling? I'm not sure what happened here.
I wouldn't read on because this isn't my kind of story. But I do think it's well written. Most of the problems have to do with it being the last 250 words without knowing much of what's going on. If this was my kind of story, you would have achieved your goal in getting me to want to read more.
Good luck with it.
I didn't understand why Jack was kneeling, but maybe you explained that earlier. I can't imagine a boy would kneel on the ground to talk to cops. It seems to me that if Jack knew the cop, he would probably know the cop was sniffing around his mom. Kids tend to know more than adults think they do in that area.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
Hi Guys,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the input! Some of the confusion is because of where this excerpt started. The squad car pulled up in the previous paragraphs, so the reader would know who the cops were from previous chapters and that they were sitting in the car from the previous page - they were the ones who broke up the gathering of kids to begin with.
The first line was actually the last line of a previous paragraph - and it was about a girl who just left with the rest of his friends.
There's no way for you guys to know those things by this segment - sorry it was so confusing.
"jacking" means punching. This is still rough draft, and it's a real detour from my regular writing voice, the entire story is close pov to a fourteen/fifteen year old kid who's growing up in a pretty rough neighborhood. I've been using slang that's authentic to the character, but I am concerned that it might be confusing to the reader... if anyone has thoughts on that, I'd love your opinion.
Thanks for the catches on ending dialogue with a period instead of a comma (I know the rule, but for some reason I keep doing that all the time - it helps to have someone point it out to me, because I miss it more often than not) And the awkwardness of dialogue tags in the middle of a statement - I can work on that.
Thanks again. If anyone has any other input, I'd love to hear it.
Oh, kneeling was another mistake on my part... I had it in there, but when I edited down the extranneous stuff, I edited out the part where he kneels by the window... obviously, I'm going to have to go back and write it out so the reader's not confused with how he got from point a to point b.
ReplyDeleteI think crouching is more what you're going for than kneeling... like when you crouch next to a window to talk to someone in the car. People tend not to put their knees on the ground in that situation.
ReplyDeleteI too had a hard time believing that Jack didn't know the cop was with his mom, but maybe that's established realistically ahead of time.
I thought the "jacking a cop in the face" worked as slang. We all knew what that meant, I think... so it works.
Well paced and believable dialogue, though!
Hmm...I like the voice of Jack. And now that is mother is possibly involved with a cop? Yeah, I can see some tension coming. Not sure I'd be ravenous to read the next chapter, but it's a start. Good job!
ReplyDelete(Warning: This isn't a genre I would normally read, so my comments should be weighed accordingly.)
ReplyDeleteThis is the problem with only reading 250 words. The entire scene is esoteric, it doesn't stand on its own very well. This isn't necessarily your fault.
As far as the ending of a chapter, it wasn't bad, but there isn't much to offer in terms of looking forward to whatever is going to happen next. You might want to go on a bit more, reach a conclusion that teases at the next chapter.
Disclaimer: this doesn’t sound like something I’d normally be likely to read, so my comments may not be as useful as those of someone familiar with the genre.
ReplyDeleteOverall I think this excerpt has the same problem as a bunch of chapter endings of mine that I considered and decided against submitting: 250 words is really, really short, and this chunk is too closely tied to the surrounding text to make much sense on its own. It raises so many questions for me that I wasn’t sure I was really following the story.
That said, I can see some good tension in the offing from Jack’s reaction to Connelly’s revelation about Buddy Boy and Jack’s mom; that’s good. Jack has an unusual (to me) and appealing narrative voice, and you deploy it consistently; also good.
A couple of nitpicky things:
“biting down on his fat bottom lip as a mist of spittle escaped from the space between his teeth” – a mist of spittle? I can’t see that, sorry. (Though I like the idea of this description as a way of conveying something about Connelly’s personality!)
“Jack was so preoccupied with the odd bit of lust swirling about his head” – I feel like your metaphor kind of trips itself up here. Something that’s preoccupying him to that extent would feel more focused than an “odd bit” “swirling around”, I would think.
I'll read to the next chapter. I'm wondering whats the relationship between jack' mom and the cop and if jack will get in to trouble later.
ReplyDeleteThe "odd bit of lust swirling about his head" caught me, too. I'm sure you just want to avoid a cliche here, but I think it goes too far the other direction.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't an oh-God-what-happens-next chapter ending, but I do feel the tension here, and the potential for more to come. So that's all to the good!
"Just," Buddy Boy continued, "be careful, and don't get involved too much, okay?"
ReplyDeleteThis would flow better when broken at a normal speech break
"Just be careful," Buddy Boy said. "Don't get involved too much, okay?"
I had to read through it a few times to figure out who was who, and where they were.
The name Jinxie gave the dialogue a 40's gangster tone in my mind.
I'm guess this takes place in the 1950s? If so, the language fits the time period very well, IMHO. I can't say I'm hooked, but the writing is okay.
ReplyDeleteI did have a question about this line: Connelly sang it, biting down on his fat bottom lip as a mist of spittle escaped from the space between his teeth, hitting the dash. If Connelly is facing the protagonist, why does the spit not hit the MC in the face, but goes sideways instead?
Thank you all for taking the time to offer feedback!!! I appreciate it so much and it gives me great ideas for revisions.
ReplyDeleteI think I managed seven today... some of these entries were really great!!! I didn't comment on any of the ones where I thought I couldn't add anything... it's been really fun reading through them all and the critiques though.
Can't wait to see the ones tomorrow.
Sorry, not really my thing so I can't say this hooked me to read on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I like your MC's voice, and I just hated BB, so I think you've got me on that. I love the hit of what's going on with the mom. My criticisms have been pretty much addressed "odd bit of lust" - sounds kind of cerebral for something like lust, kneeling, etc. But I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the other comments, so forgive me if someone pointed these out. I saw some grammar punctuation errors and things that could clear it up a little.
ReplyDelete...with those guys, Jackie." Buddy Boy said... There should be a comma in place of the period.
The next paragraph after that doesn't need to be new, since it has to do with what he just said, and it's the same person talking/thinking. (I think.)
Same with the "My mom? Wait a second" paragraph and the one after. Join them.
The voice is fine, and I didn't spot any problems exactly...
ReplyDeleteOne thing that occurred to me is I heard those guys from West Side Story in my head as I read. I think it was the "Buddy Boy" thing. :]