TITLE: Trust Network
GENRE: Contemporary Techno-Thriller
Our hero and protagonist web geek, who has been caught up in a scam involving some programming that doesn't do exactly what it is supposed to, is trying to dig her way out. It's the middle of the night, she's feeling punchy and rebellious, and she's got more work ahead of her than she can see.
(Xochitl is an Aztec/Nahuatl name, and is pronounced "SO-chee", which is explained in the second sentence of the book.)
To her surprise, this was only the third energy drink of the night. She closed the door and followed her shake-open-smile routine. This can was the correct temperature. At her current rate, the contents of the mini-fridge would last her several more days. There was enough ice in the tub to last past breakfast, and she would have gotten some more by then. Satisfied that the universe was plodding along without too much of her help, she prepared her glass and paced until she heard the laptop stop working.
She knew the project would never actually compile. Whoever had given the code to Candice had ripped out any of the Rumanian Box code and left only the parts that had been genuine attempts to crack financial-grade encryption. This was both a good and bad thing. Good, because it meant that she was really only having to wade through one person's code, and not what some second person had hacked onto it afterwards. Bad, because the person who did the ripping had done it in a very ham-handed manner, leaving giant black holes where code should have been.
In fact ...
Xochitl gained an evil grin as she grabbed for the cellular phone. She opened the text messaging screen and punched in "still working – code is messy" and sent it off to Candice.
Oh, I'm sorry, were you sleeping? How positively thoughtless of me!
But, progress was being made. Worlds were being conquered. Invading hordes were being routed. Damsels in distress were being rescued. She'd be fried tomorrow, but it was all part of staying one step ahead, right?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I feel if I had read the work previous to this excerpt then I might care about Xochitl. As it is, my biggest concern is whether or not the ice holds out.
ReplyDeleteShe apparently has an epiphany concerning her work, but how does that tie in to progress being made?
I like the line..."satisifed that the universe was plodding along without too much of her help..." It made me think of my mother, but in the character's case it's probably quite literal! ;-)
ReplyDeleteXochitl is, I believe, pronounced "So-cheat-l" and So-chee is the nickname version of the name. A girl on my husband's soccer team had this name. If you want readers to read "So-chee" then I think you need to spell it "Xochi." I'm no Nahuatl speaker myself, so this is just my two cents, being married to a Mexican.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I was a bit confused by this, but I liked the premise. I wasn't sure about the "Oh, I'm sorry" sentence, since the previous text message was in quotes, is the "I'm sorry" sentence a reflection of her sarcastic thoughts?
I think I'd like to see more of an idea of what would happen to her if the program doesn't work. She'd lose her job, but are there bigger stakes? That would make this more compelling.
I do like the voice at the end. Good luck!
You've got some great lines in here, and my interest is piqued somewhat. I might read on a few more pages. I'd like to see a lot more tension in this scene besides the ice/energy drink problem.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how one would "gain an evil grin."
I like the sassy attitude in the last three paragraphs, and I like the last paragraph a lot. I do want the chapter to end with something stronger -- something that ups the stakes for the hero. Let the laptop freeze up or the power go out or someone enter the room unexpectedly. Do something to make me say "Whoa, I didn't see that coming."
She closed the door and followed her shake-open-smile routine.
ReplyDeleteI don't get this. Why does she have to smile after she opens the can as part of routine?
On the first sentence, I think "this was only HER third energy drink" works better.
"Xochitl gained an evil grin" is awkward.
I agree with others that without context, I think we're missing a lot here.
I like the imagery. I know quite a few who run off energy drinks to survive a night of working. And having a mini-fridge is a must!
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed the voice.
I know nothing about techno-thrillers so I do not know if there is some fantasy/paranormal to it or not. I don't know if the universe was plodding along without too much of her help should be taken literally or not (I didn't take it literally when I first read it - just as a nice comment on how her life was situated at the moment.)
The last paragraph confused me, I assumed it was because she is working on code for a game that dealt with those things. But if not, that again is probably just me not knowing your genre.
I think you write very well and I like her snide internal comment about the text to Candice. It really gives me a sense of her dislike for Candice that she would send her a text in the middle of the night (after all- bratty Candice doesn't have to stay up to fix the mess after she ham-handedly cut out the code).
A little bit of formatting was lost in the translation.
ReplyDeleteThe "In fact" and "I'm sorry" lines are both internal dialogue, which is italicized in the original version.
Shiela:
ReplyDeleteYou are correct - Xochitl is pronounced both ways. A Mexican would say it with the "tl", but it's also been thoroughly bastardized by the few Americans that use it. The Xochitl that I knew (and loved the name enough to use it later) referred to herself without the "tl", and her nickname as "Xoch". There's even a bit of dialogue to this effect earlier in the novel. But, of course, you wouldn't know that from this excerpt.
However, I wholeheartedly appreciate the effort to set me straight!
This being my first effort at this kind of thing, I didn't think enough about how much context I would need to provide. In retrospect, as pleased as I am with it, it doesn't really stand on its own as an excerpt. The "shake-open-smile" and "progress" points are direct references back to earlier text. The dragons and damsels and fantasy are just web-geek metaphors for all the work she's got in front of her -- there's no actual fantasy in the book.
The needle/struggle here is that she's being pushed to be at the top of her game for days and days on end, and she knows it's not sustainable. She's finally committed herself to this course of action which can only result in her running at diminished capacity, and thus more likely to get caught by the people she is avoiding. But, she finally knows that there's no way around it.
Being Beth said "I do want the chapter to end with something stronger" and I have to agree. Throughout the book I'd made an effort to not bang the reader over the head with crisis after crisis, trying to keep the tension more implicit than explicit, but I do need to express more of what she is giving up to make this progress happen.
Or am I trying too hard to avoid the melodrama and in effect just boring the crap out of my reader?
Judall said "It really gives me a sense of her dislike for Candice" -- you don't think it's too over-the-top?
As far as ending this chapter, it works. The character is awake, apparently not dead or otherwise stuck, and apparently there is something to look forward to (albeit possibly boring to anyone that hasn't successfully compiled code).
ReplyDeleteThe narrative is quirky in a good way, but you have to be careful not to over-do it or it will take over your novel.
Xochitl is prounounced either "so-shee-tl" or "so-chee" depending on the Nahuatl dialect, there are several. It means "flower", so hopefully your character will either reflect that meaning or make it an ironic name.
On my first read-through, I didn't realize Xochitl and your heroine were the same person. I'm sure the reader of your novel would know this, but it would have been clearer if you'd told us her name in the setup.
ReplyDeleteOverall, this feels like a lull in the action to me. The writing flows well (though I agree that "gained an evil grin" is awkward and outside her POV), and I have a good sense of Xochitl's voice. But things seem to be going well for the character at the moment, so there's little tension for me here. It doesn't feel like a chapter ending to me. Maybe if I'd read what came before and knew what was at stake, it would work.
Hope this helps.
Hi Rick.
ReplyDeleteI don't think her dislike for Cynthia is over the top. I think a nasty text in the middle of the night is just right, and I can actually hear a too-sweet tone of voice sounding in her head as she mocks the girl. If the text itself had said something mean, I think it would have been too much.
Again - great job. I would definitely read on.
Rick, to answer your questions, I don't think this:
ReplyDelete"The needle/struggle here is that she's being pushed to be at the top of her game for days and days on end, and she knows it's not sustainable. She's finally committed herself to this course of action which can only result in her running at diminished capacity, and thus more likely to get caught by the people she is avoiding. But, she finally knows that there's no way around it."
is coming through enough. Maybe she needs to dwell more on her concern of losing energy or being caught.
As for Xochitl and Candice, I don't know enough about their relationship to tell if Xochitl really dislikes Candice--and if she has good reason to dislike her. For me, the middle-of-the-night text seems petty and makes me dislike Xochitl.
I like your voice. It's quirky and different. What she's doing is interesting. You've described her in the set up as "trying to dig her way out", however we're not seeing her nervousness in this scene. If she's been caught up in a scam, she should be a little worried about what's going to happen. What's the danger for her? You don't need crisis for tension. Anything jarring will work, a neighbor playing (badly) a guitar next door so that she can't concentrate, her energy drink not being the right temperature, her laptop crashing... You get the idea.
ReplyDeleteCan't say I'm hooked, sorry. I really couldn't figure out what was going on, or what our attention should be focused on, since the excerpt jumped around so much. Also, there's a lot of passive voice in here that threw me out of the narrative.
ReplyDeleteErm, can't say I'm drawn in, sorry. I found it a bit confusing in places, but I'm tired so... it had some good lines and I enjoyed the final sentence about getting fired and being a step ahead, but overall, right now I'm not that hooked.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Thank you, everyone, for the excellent feedback. It's given me quite a bit to think about.
ReplyDelete-R
Hmm. Interesting. I like the idea of the cranky eccentric hacker girl, who is obviously clever and perhaps not all that nice, but probably would be fun to hang out with.
ReplyDeleteI don’t understand what the “shake-open-smile routine” is, but maybe I would if I weren’t just reading the last 250 words of the chapter.
I also don’t understand why, if she knows the code is never going to compile, she’s up in the middle of the night trying to get it to do so. What, actually, is she doing, apart from typing “run” and hitting Enter [or whatever] and then waiting for the laptop to stop working? Again, this may just be lack of context for the excerpt. Similarly, she says progress is being made, but what progress, and how? It’s not clear from what we’ve got here.
Finally, a couple of small nitpicks: (a) “Xochitl gained an evil grin” is really awkward, and I’m sure there must be a more natural way of saying what you mean. (b) I can’t tell whether “Oh, I’m sorry …” is Xochitl talking to herself or part of her text message to Candice.
Your protag's voice is shining through (smart, feisty), but there is some clunky writing to wade through in order to hear it clearly. A scene like this (the whole novel, in fact) needs to be crisp and clean, with more "white space."
ReplyDeleteBe careful with POV. She wouldn't be aware that her grin was evil, for instance. (Though she may FEEL evil as she's grinning, but I think that needs to be worded differently.)
The "I'm sorry, were you sleeping? How positively thoughtless of me!" is confusing. Is she thinking that? Texting it? This needs to be clarified. (If she's thinking it, perhaps italics. If they were there and they're missing, that's my fault!)
Keep working on this, make it tight. It can work!
I like your protagonist, which is a big step to keeping me reading. She's funny and quirky and I love computer geeks, particularly female ones. I would suggest tightening up the narration a bit, especially about the code. Good ending to the chapter.
ReplyDeleteNot precisely hooked....
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing with the energy drink - I thought it could have been trimmed back a little bit. I was actually thinking about my brother and his mountain dew cans. He has to have like two or three of them lined up next to his computer when he works. He calls it brain food or something. s[
In fact, there might have been a little trimming throughout. Make it tighter.
That said - the voice is right there<: