TITLE: SEEING CLEARLY
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Amy and an EPA agent just witnessed a shooting in the oil fields behind her father's overseas plant. She dated the agent in high school, and he helps her decide on a plan.
“Over oil?” My stomach churned in disgust.
“Yeah, what else?”
“I’m calling the police.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he agreed.
I opened the car door and slid down in my seat while I called the front desk of our hotel. The concierge answered, and I asked for the number of the local police station.
I dialed the phone. Someone answered, in Arabic. Oh yeah. I rolled my eyes and handed the phone to Adam. They talked back and forth while I studied his face for some reaction to their conversation.
He snapped the phone shut, “Yeah, those police are in his pocket. I’m afraid calling them made things worse.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Well, when I told them where the shootings occurred, they told me to call the American Embassy. That’s total crap, but I’ll call them.”
“No, I’ll call them, it’s my plant.” I took the phone back and scrolled through to find the Embassy number. Mental note, thank Izzy later for programming all these numbers in here.
A pre-recorded message started playing. I listened all the way through. No friggin' way. I hung up and dropped the phone in my bag. “They’re closed,” I said to Adam.
“They’re what?”
“Closed. Memorial Day. They open back up on Tuesday.”
“Dammit,” he muttered under his breath.
"Yeah, I agreed. "I need to call my dad.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like how you weave realistic details into this scene (cripes, of course the embassy has to be closed!). This part may be hard to get a feel for out of context, but I did not sense any tension or urgency from either character that you might expect them to feel after witnessing a shooting. I expected at least Amy to be somewhat frazzled. Also, a few places you might be able to tighten up the wording: “Played” instead of “started playing.” Three times the dialogue starts with “Yeah.” At first, I didn’t understand why Amy had to tell us she listened all the way through the recording but we didn’t hear (or get a summary) of what it said. I can see now that it sets it up for her to reveal them being closed, but I was confused at first about why I couldn’t get that information right when she brought it up. I think you have good tension here and end the scene where I want to turn the page and find out what her dad has to say!
ReplyDeleteBig thing that stood out to me was they both witnessed a shooting and neither seems particularly scared. Even if they’re far away and were looking through binoculars, they should still have some freaking out feelings. I would personally be worried if the shooters could have any idea that I was there. Adam seems very laid back and I’m almost getting this picture of him leaning on the car with his hands stuffed in pockets. Make your dialogue more urgent by shortening your sentences. You could say something simpler: He snapped the phone shut. “Police are in their pocket. Calling made things worse.”
ReplyDeleteShe was the opposite. Her dialogue came across as urgent to me, but her inner thoughts made me think she calm and relaxed and more angry than scared. Give me things like what is she thinking as she’s scrolling for the embassy number? Really let me in her head. These kinds of additions can really give you a deeper pov.
And a side note here: “They’re closed,” I said to Adam. –you don’t need that ‘I said to Adam.’ Tag. Not with the dialogue coming after her action.
Overall, your voice is great. The storytelling was interesting. I would keep reading. You’ve created a picture in my mind to where I can identify with the situation the characters are in. Good Luck!
This doesn't grab me. Sorry. I think it's a lack of emotion throughout. I'd be scared to death. I might even puke. I'd worry about having been seen by the shooter and probably get out of there before I made a phone call.
ReplyDeleteThe last line needs to be much stronger to lead me into the next chapter. Raise the stakes, have a gun cock behind them -- anything to put some urgency into the scene.
I think others have already said it well - crank up the tension!
ReplyDeleteSince I don't have a feel for the characters, maybe they are just really laid back, or maybe weird stuff has already been happening and this is more fuel instead of something totally unexpected. But, if I were there I would be scared out of my pants, or at least looking around constantly for a sniper or someone to knock me off, too.
Other than that it was nicely written. Natural and realistic conversation, although it's true you could lose a tag or two, especially if you up the tension.
Only thing I noticed - last paragraph needs quotes to set off Yeah.
I agree with the others. Where's the shock, fear and emotion? Why doesn't she question him further about why calling the embassy is crap? The sense of frustration that the embassy is closed is lost because there's no urgency at just having witnessed the shooting. Dialogue flows nicely, though.
ReplyDeleteOther than the MC mentioning that her stomach churned in disgust, neither of your characters seemed very upset by what they'd just witnessed. There's not even any urgency over how calling the police could have "made things worse."
ReplyDeleteDoes that mean they should be running?
You may want to fact check, by the way. I'm pretty sure foreign embassies don't close for holidays.
Because I'm not invested in the emotion of the moment, I'm not sure I'd move on from here.
So far as ending a chapter, it isn't a horrible place to end it, but a better place could probably be found in this story. The characters seem a bit stuck, so the only promise is that Adam is calling his Dad. You might want to include that phone call in this chapter.
ReplyDelete"Mental note, thank Izzy later for programming all these numbers in here." You could leave this out, it doesn't seem relevant.
A lot of the sentences are choppy. "I dialed the phone. Someone answered, in Arabic. Oh yeah. I rolled my eyes and handed the phone to Adam." You could smooth this out, it would read better. "No friggin' way." Another example, this seems out of place in a book.
You might have a good story here, but you're using far too many colloquialisms. This can be good in certain dialog but maybe not so good in the narrative.
Yeah, I'm not feeling the tension either. Unless you've set up her dad to be like, Big Foot or something. I mean, calling my dad isn't at the top of my to-do list, either, so maybe you've done that.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I didn't like the "Yeah, what else?" at the beginning. I think he might just say, "What else?" to give a little more conflict to the conversation. I also think Amy's flippant narrative throws the conflict off as well. Like this: "Someone answered, in Arabic. Oh yeah. I rolled my eyes and handed the phone to Adam." This sounds like she's inconvenienced, like ordering Chinese or something. She's just seen a murder right?? I mean, come on! Crank it up! ;)
Looks like an interesting story, but needs some tightening.
ReplyDeleteYou use 'yeah' a lot, and probably could cut most of them without changing the meaning.
My stomach churned in disgust.--> I don't think you need 'in disgust'.
You don't need so many dialogue tags with only two people in the conversation. I'd cut 'he agreed', 'I agreed' and 'I said to Adam.'
I agree with the other posters. Your dialogue would be very natural for two people chatting over tea, but for people who just witnessed a shooting, it seems inappropriate. Because they don't seem to care about what's going on, it makes it hard for me to care about them.
ReplyDeleteAs the author, of course, you know a lot more than your characters, so it can be hard to create a natural reaction for them. If I had witnessed a shooting, and someone told me that the police were in the killer's pocket so calling them had "made it worse," I would immediately be afraid that I was now in danger. Her reaction shows not a hint of fear or concern.
I think this could be great once you give your characters a little more emotion.
Okay, considering this is a first draft, it's pretty good. But everyone's right about the tension. It needs some. :)
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, my two-cents is pretty much the same as everyone else's. This needs more tension and more emotion. The dialogue sounds pretty scripted and formulaic right now.
ReplyDeleteI think adding in how the characters sounded or acted while giving the dialogue might help things a little: "Yeah, what else?" Adam's cynicism was rock hard or "Yeah, that's a good idea." Was that sarcasm? I was going to phone anyway.
Of course, Amy's own emotions need to be similarly played up. How does she sound or feel when she's telling Adam the embassy's closed? Or when she says she's calling the police (or her dad)? What is she thinking?
Adam also doesn't really sound like an agent to me right now. He's too relaxed, and he's softening his statements by using words like "well" or "yeah" instead of just launching into what he wants to say. He needs to sound stronger—unless he's not a very good EPA agent.
Apart from the non-reaction to the shooting, though, I like Amy. She's a nice blend of strong and quirky.
And finally, calling her dad at the end? I'm assuming that he's been set up as some sort of powerful figure, someone with connections or money, because otherwise it doesn't make a lot of sense to call him in their situation. If calling the police made things worse, Amy and Adam should be fearing for their safety (like other commenters have said) and would want any kind of protection they can get—like Dad's buddy in the CIA or his local weapons cache.
Everyone is asking about the Dad, so I thought I would just jump in to say that the dad owns the oil company and Amy is on her first big assignment there. I guess I didn't do a very good job making that clear in my synopsis. :) So, carry on, loving the comments and learning SO much!
ReplyDeleteI'll read on to the next chapter. I'm wondering if Dad is good or bad character.
ReplyDeleteSoulfire
Don't want to repeat what everyone said about thinking they're too calm for having witnessed a murder, so instead...
ReplyDeleteGreat job with the detailed writing! I felt like you were describing things well even though there's little "description", and that's my favorite.
Good luck!
This didn't work as well as it could to entice me to read further. There seemed to be a lack of tension despite what happened.
ReplyDeleteWhat I note about this excerpt is that there are too many "yeah"s in it. While it may be true that some speakers repeat words as part of their personal ticks and quirks, I found it too obvious -- it took me out of the story and made me focus on the writing, which is not a good thing. I'd find something else instead of "yeah" -- or nothing at all.
Also a few punctuation glitches and redundancy:
He snapped the phone shut, “Yeah, those police are in his pocket. I’m afraid calling them made things worse.”
There should be a period after shut. You could cut out the 'yeah' entirely here and the meaning would remain.
"Yeah, I agreed. "I need to call my dad.”
You're missing the closing quotes for the dialogue. You don't need to include "I agreed" since saying "yeah" indicates agreement. I'd advise taking out the "yeah" and using something else.
Good luck!
I have to agree with what Being Beth said about the POV not really entering the MC's internal thoughts or reactions. The dialogue is fine, though the sliding down in her seat after opening the door part confused me. Sorry, but I can't say I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I kind of felt detached from them both. They witnessed shootings but it;s almost a "so what?" moment to them both. If it's shock, can you portray that clearer? The agents I could understand remaining cool and calm... but for being in the MC's perspective, I can't tell that she's all that upset or shocked or whatever about what happened...
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked.
Good luck.
~Merc
Disclaimer: I don’t think I read much “women’s fiction” (to be honest, I'm not even sure how to define that term), so my comments may be less germane than those of someone more familiar with the genre.
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting situation Amy has got herself in. I’m not 100% hooked, but I would be interested to see what happens next.
Questions I had as I read, which might or might not have been answered had I read the rest of the chapter: (a) What does Amy mean when she says “Over oil?”? (b) Does Amy not speak any Arabic? If that’s the case, how likely is it that she would be acting as her father’s representative in an Arabic-speaking country? (Also: if her father owns a plant in this country, wherever it is, isn’t it likely he’d also own a house or a flat, rather than staying in a hotel every time he or some other member of the family or the firm is there?) (c) when Adam says the police are “in his pocket”, whose pocket does he mean? (d) are they not concerned at all about hanging around in the immediate vicinity of a shooting?
Also: you say that Amy and Adam dated in high school, so they have some history ... but at least in this excerpt, it's not at all clear from their interactions what that history is (were they serious? was the breakup amicable or ugly? was there cheating, betrayal, just drifting apart? what has each of them been up to, romantically, since then? how do they feel about each other now?). They don't feel to me, in this scene, like people who know each other; they feel like polite strangers.
As I think it over, I’m wondering whether maybe I’m not warming to the situation or characters as much as I could be because I’m not feeling the urgency and panic and fear that I’d expect at least Amy, if not both of them, to be experiencing. That could be a problem with the text, or it could just be that I panic more easily than they do …
Pretty much agreed with previous commenters. I do think this is a very interesting scene with a lot of tension - between the two characters, the shooting, the EPA/oil thing - that isn't being brought out. You've got the basic premise down well - just up the tension in the edit.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, and this seemed fairly clean to me. But I'm just not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think it's just one of those things where I don't know enough about the subject (oil fields like in Kuwait or whatever) and how things work overseas.