TITLE: EMMA BROWN AND THE UNICORN HUNTER
GENRE: MIDDLE-GRADE FANTASY
Aurora Brown stood in the ocean, wearing rubber boots pulled up to her thighs, and surveyed the once aquamarine water with its curls of gray foam. It was just 18 days past January and the front page headline wasn't cheerful: Deadly Oil Spill Suffocates Marine Life.
Crowds of people had come out to help save the animals whose home was now invaded by the foul goo. Aurora's heart swelled seeing strangers united in this single effort. But still it saddened her that so few cared. There could be hundreds more who, if they realized how important a bird or a sea otter was to their children, could be there cleaning up the muck with the rest of them. Every time she saw a sick bird, Aurora thought of her secret past: when she lived in a place where phoenixes and griffins topped the endangered species list. Sure, the ospreys and ducks couldn't create fire or lift a tree with its own talons, but why was it so hard for so many people to see that they were magical in their own right?
With thoughts of her own childhood dancing in her head, Aurora looked for her daughter. Emma was 13 and completely unaware of Aurora's history. To save her life, that was the way it had to be. Sometimes Aurora couldn't help but wonder if the stars really were against them. For Emma had not only inherited her mom's chocolate-colored hair and her dad's violet eyes, she had also inherited her great-grandfather's peculiar way with animals.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Loved it . . . definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe first line definitely has visual impact . . . I can almost hear the ocean waves.
The second paragraph - sorry - comes across slighlty preachy. I can sympathize with Aurora's feelings, but it is almost as if you're trying to hard to get your point across . . . which you do.
The third paragraph is what really makes me want to read more. What is Aurora's past? Why is she running from her past? Why was hiding her past equal to saving her life? Those are questions that make me want more, more, more.
Good job.
Hooked. Loved the first paragraph. powerful. You leave me wondering about Aurora's heritage, making me drool over the land she left.
ReplyDeleteMy only concern is that you have Aurora being the MC here when the title and the last paragraph lead me to believe that Emma will be the MC. I want to see Emma, to get to know her, to experience her special way with animals.
I'm with Charlie V. I don't think mum should be narrating a MG. It should be the kid. You're a good enough writer to pull it off, but still.
ReplyDeleteI agree with comments above. Some of it is a little preachy. And I was totally thrown off when I realized the narrator was an adult. I don't think kids would be into that unless switched over fast.
ReplyDeleteA magical background is intriguing. I wonder if Emma's pov on this scene would add a lot more mystery though as she questions her mother's background that has been kept a secret.
I agree with the others. The second paragraph could be cut or shortened. It is kind of preachy.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that the POV might be more effective if it was Emma's.
I was surprised to find the PoV was the mom not the girl -- first I assumed Aurora was the young adult just because of the genre.
ReplyDeleteI assume you switch to Emma's PoV later. I'm curious to know if the "unicorn hunter" is a villain and if Emma tries to save the unicorns from him.
I am hooked. Great introduction - I love the description that brings the character and setting to life.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing idea to tie together environmental concerns/activism in the real world and the fantasy world.
A curious set-up with a lot of potential.
I loved this and thought it was well written, but to capture a young audience, I agree that the POv should be from a child.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked though and loved everything else.
Hmmm. I don't know. The environmentalist theme was slathered on a little too thick IMO. It's an interesting concept, though.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a small thing in the second sentence. When you said that rubber boots were "pulled" up to her thighs, my mind saw regular ankle-high rubber boots being pulled up to her thighs. So this tripped me up. It was only after I thought about it that I realized you must mean that she was wearing thigh-high rubber boots. I thought you might be able to fix it by taking out the word "pulled", but I'm not sure if that flows very well.
I'd like to see Emma's extraordinary way with animals right away instead of being told about it by her mom.
Hope this helps and good luck!
I liked this - the description, the horror of an oil spill, the apathy of the public, the magic of animals. Good writing.
ReplyDeleteBut when I got to the last paragraph and found out that Aurora wasn't the MC - I was taken out of the story and had to start again. Would I turn the page - yes, but I'm not an MG reader.
Good luck.
If this is MG, shouldn't it be in Emma's POV? Or maybe this is a multiple POV book, like Cornelia Funke's Inkheart series. That's the only time it's okay for an adult POV in MG or YA.
ReplyDeleteI didn't find the second paragraph too preachy, but that's only because of the fantasy element thrown it. For me it added intrigue especially the secret past part.
Great writing!
Very interesting, but I have to agree with Anja's comment that MG and YA fiction features a young protagonist as the POV character, not the adult's. It's a way to hook those younger readers into the story, by giving them a POV character around their own age with problems similar/parallel to their own.
ReplyDeleteBut other than that, I really liked the set up of this. Very interesting premise!
I think that an older character can narrate sections of a YA or MG book, but I would start off with Emma – a younger character who MGs can relate to. To a middle schooler, Mom’s inner thoughts are far stranger than any griffin!
ReplyDeleteI also thought that this beginning was a little passive. Aurora (and, through her, the author) is telling us a lot in this short space – about her past, about Emma’s way with animals – that would perhaps be more effective if shown (for example, Emma saving an otter everyone else thought was going to die).
All in all, I like the idea (and the title – “unicorn hunter” is very intriguing), but I was not hooked. Your writing is good, but I would like to see a little more immediacy and action.
This looks like it could be an interesting story, but I agree with the other commenters - a little preachy and I'd prefer this to be in Emma's POV. Even if you plan to use multiple POVs, I think it would be better to start with a scene from Emma since she is the title character.
ReplyDeleteI agree, this needs to be from the daughter's pov. I thought maybe she was an activist teen until the daughter comment. Minor thing, but cut the 1st sentence in half. thighs. She surveyed.... The middle paragraph is both preachy and way too glib of a way to introduce her past. Anyway to show her fleeing her home? Preferably as a child?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry! This is MG fantasy, correct? You can't have an adult main narrator in a children's work so this being told from Aurora's perspective is going to be a problem.
ReplyDeleteIf it's Emma Brown and the Unicorn Hunter, this has to be from Emma's perspective.
Also, nothing will ding you quicker in the children's world then trying to "teach" the reader.
Lines such as "Aurora's heart swelled seeing strangers unite in this single effort. But still it saddened her that so few cared."
Preachy.
The last paragraph is all telling. I don't want to be told that Emma has inherited a way with animals. I want to see it!
This is a novel for children. They are very perceptive but still expect a tight plot and a solid pace.
I'm on the fence here. There are so many ways to make valuable points without preaching. It turns me off as a reader.
ReplyDeleteAnd this doesn't feel MG at all. Does it change to Emma's POV? And 13 is early YA.
It has potential, and I want to know what happens from the title, but I'm not hooked, even though the writing is well done, and the voice is good. I just think maybe it's the wrong voice for this.
Sorry. JMO.
I don't have much to add - I'm agreed that it should be in Emma's POV and should be less preachy (although I agree with the message).
ReplyDeleteA lot of my opinion has already been said. Mainly, a young reader book needs a young MC. The subject matter is very contemporary and fitting- just make sure it's seen through young eyes.
ReplyDelete