TITLE: A HORSE CALLED TROUBLE
GENRE: MG/TWEEN
Tara pressed her ratty sweatshirt to her nose. Where was that awful smell coming from? It was everywhere! It smelled like a subway toilet that hadn’t been flushed in months. She held her breath and turned to gaze at the giant barns.
So, this is my punishment … horse therapy?
She shook her head, letting her hair fall across her face. Her jaw twitched. Punished … for something she didn’t even do. She didn’t steal that purse. But just because Alissa was the most popular girl in middle school, everyone believed her. Like always.
Tara sighed and stared at the hole in her tennis shoe. Should she have tried harder to convince Principal. Jackman? No. Why bother? He just wanted to be rid of her. He’d threatened alternative school before, when she was bogusly accused of punching Alissa.
Is a horse going to change any of that?
Nothing was ever going to change. No one cared. No one! It’d been that way since …forever … since Grandma Joan died.
A horse trumpeted, piercing the quiet morning and a flock of sparrows took flight from their roost nearby. A shiver rushed through Tara . She stared at the barn’s open doorway, gaping like a dark mouth, waiting to expel the devil animal that shrieked inside.
“Whoa there,” a man’s voice bellowed from inside the building.
A black-haired man stumbled out, his heels digging into the hard dirt as he struggled to hold onto the red horse that danced circles around him.
Hm. Yeah. I'd read on. I wonder tho. I'd market this as upper MG. Not MG proper. It's bordering YA
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I got a definite sense for the scene and the character. I agree, it almost had a YA feel to it.
ReplyDeleteGreat descriptions of the disgusting smells and her surroundings. You give just enough background to know she probably doesn't belong there, but maybe she's too shy or down on her luck, to stand up for herself.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see if this horse therapy works.
Nicely set up. I empathize with your young heroine already. I can smell the barn and feel her apprehension. She's grieving and powerless. Well done.
ReplyDeleteAnd as a teen or tween, I would have read anything that involved horses.
Yeah, good stuff here. Grieving girl, with something to prove -- and also, I suspect, something to learn. And who better to learn from than a horse called Trouble? *g*
ReplyDeleteLoved the title, that was a great hook.
ReplyDeleteI loved the whole thing. Great descriptions of the smell of things. It gave a real feel too the whole scene.
I'm hooked and I would definately read on. (I love anything to do with horses.)
I was a little confused with the fourth paragraph - the "Jackman? No. Why bother?" part. I had to read it 3 times (might be tired - 60 entries is a lot of reading). Perhaps something more in her voice - ...harder to convince Principal Jackman. Ha! Why bother!
ReplyDeleteOther than that nitpick - I liked your main character and found myself cheering for her on that first page. Good job.
This passage leaves me wanting to read on. Tara is certainly an MC that is easy to relate to. I'd like to see how she turns this "horse therapy" around! Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Loved the voice.
ReplyDeleteGood MC voice and set up for conflict. I was just a bit confused, though, about the terms of Tara's punishment. Was she kicked out of school, or is this an after school punishment kind of thing?
ReplyDeleteI had the same feeling as Janet about the Principal Jackman line.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't really that drawn to Tara. Yes, it's unfair that she got punished for something that she didn't do, and she's feels like nobody cares. I just would like to see something that sets her apart and gives her a little more personality.
Good luck!
Good hook. I'd keep reading, because I want to find out about that red horse.
ReplyDeleteI'm having mixed feelings on this one. I love the idea of a girl being forced to clean up the horses stall as therapy or punishment.
ReplyDeleteBut then there is a lot of telling that sort of gets in the way. Telling that Grandmas Joan had died (so our narrator is all alone). Telling that she has been falsely accused etc.
Instead, rewrite this scene. How would a young person really react if they were forced to clean stalls for something they didn't do? I want to see that emotion on the page and I don't here--at least not yet.
Okay, I'm with Janet's Principal Jackman comment. (Take away the . after Principal.)
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm with the secret agent on this as well. I think this could end up a wonderfully compelling scene!
I think that with some work this could be very compelling. I agree that it seems like there's too much trying to be crammed in, with the principal and Alyssa. I'd cut it just to some nasty thoughts about Alyssa perhaps.
ReplyDeleteI'd read it as it's got horses, but one thing you should know if this fractious red horse has anything to do with the mc/students. No spirited animal is used in these programs. Ever. That's for the safety of the children and the horses.
ReplyDeleteThe horses are always of the calm variety because they're Therapy horses and are meant to keep the kids calm. If the animal has another purpose there, you'll need to tred carefully as to why they'd keep it in a stable with the hazard of problematic children hanging around. Just a thought.
I'm hooked. Looks to be a good 'girl against the world' story. We already know she to be unfairly punished, is all alone and others are against her. Up the grit and aim for the YA market. You can do more at that level.
ReplyDeleteSo, is a horse named Trouble really going to help?