TITLE: The Twilightlands
GENRE: YA Fantasy
“Apprentices up! Come on, let’s go. Move it!”
Nate Varoski groaned and rolled over in his bunk. It felt like only minutes had passed since he had fallen asleep. Surely it couldn’t be six o’clock already? He cracked open an eye, squinting at the silver dial on his nightstand. The short blue hand pointed to the three.
“What’s going on, Marti?” he asked the boy in the bed next to his.
“The light degree is off again. There are Nightsiders throwing fits in the street!” The apprentice’s voice held an edge of anticipation. “Maybe we’ll finally get to see some action!”
“That’s enough!” barked the apprentice Overseer. “Stop chattering like a bunch of old women and get dressed!”
Nate reluctantly peeled off his sleeping shirt and pulled a midnight blue training tunic out of the chest at the foot of his cot. Like shadows in the night, fleet and sure and light. The nightingale motto drifted through his sluggish thoughts. “The light degree is off again?” he whispered, once he was sure the Overseer couldn’t hear.
“That’s right.” Marti’s tan skin flushed pink with excitement. “Check your wristwatch.”
With a hurried glance towards the Overseer, Nate reached into the bottom of his chest and retrieved the watch. Nightingale apprentices were supposed to wear their Light Sensitive Wristwatches, or LSWs, at all times, but Nate had begun to take his off after-hours once the light degree had started to rise. It was almost impossible to sleep when an omen of impending doom kept ticking in your ear.
Oh no! It starts off with someone waking up! This is supposed to be an agent kiss-of-death. But luckily I thought the rest of it was interesting. Especially the last line, I really want to know about the omen of impending doom!
ReplyDeleteI read through this with interest and would have read on if there'd been more.
ReplyDeleteLot of intriguing details: What is the Light Degree? How is it connected to impending doom? (Good place for a cliff-hanger, by the way.)
It does start with someone waking up but that may still work if you have action going right away, which you do,
Just one thing. The characters and story sound/feel to me more like middle grade. Which is not a bad thing, since I hear middle-graders read more than teens.
I sniffed an unusual form of magic in this, always something I like.
ReplyDeleteLight Sensitive Wristwatches, or LSWs -- this was funny. It was unique. I wanted to know exactly what it meant. Light in what sense? Literal light or Light The Power of Good? The acronym gave it a modern rather than medieval feel.
Nit: "apprentice Overseer" -- is he practicing to be an Overseer or his he the one who oversees the apprentices? Maybe just "Overseer" would be better, possibly with "Overseer of the Apprentices" as the formal, but not always used, title.
It was almost impossible to sleep when an omen of impending doom kept ticking in your ear. Loved this line! I laughed myself silly. :D
Oooh. The mood of your opening is right up the alley with your title. :D That said, I'd read on. And I love the LSWs. Only thing that bothered me was the nightingale motto. It sort of jumped out unexpectedly, and I supposed it could've been encorporated a lot more subtly.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. It had a ton of story questions, humor, and good writing. And you created your world quickly and efficiently. I wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Ooh, I really liked this! Great world building right off the bat, good characterizations, and that last line is intriguing. Ditto though on the avoiding a chapter start with a character waking up, but this is so well written, you might be able to get away with it. I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteGreat writing and a good hook at the end. Si I'd read on. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening too evenif they did just wake up.
Love the last sentence. I would read further but I'm not totally hooked. I think that has more to do with personal taste. I love YA urban fantasies more than regular YA fantasies. Great writing though.
ReplyDeleteYes, I did like this despite waking up into the story. And you could change that so easily anyway. There are some nice images to ground us, (when he pulls the watch out, I can see it), however, I'd like to see his surroundings just a bit more. Are there windows? Can he see or hear Nightsiders now that he's awake. Something. I was a little confused by the nature of the Overseer and agree with previous comments, but kudos for inventing a magical world with light sensitive led displays! I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments, everyone! It’s so exciting to see how other writers react to your writing – it can give you a whole new prospective on your manuscript. For example, I never really focused on the humor in this scene before, but your comments about the “omen of impending doom” brought it out for me. Your other comments about things like the title/role of the Overseer are also really helpful.
ReplyDeleteSince writing this, I have read in a few places that it is generally a bad idea to begin a story with your characters waking up. I always thought that advice was targeted at stories that began at the beginning of the day merely for authorial convenience – where the “real” story didn’t begin until 5 or 50 pages in. So perhaps the action in this scene makes it work? I don’t know, but it’s definitely something I am thinking about.
Thanks again!
I love the last line! Hysterical, and leaves us wanting more! I'd definitely read on. And even though it starts with Nate waking up, I'm okay with it. I shouldn't be, but the rest of it jumped right in to the action, so it worked.
ReplyDeleteI had no problem with him being woken up, because it was an unusual circumstance. Not just him getting up in the morning.
ReplyDeleteLoved the last line!
I'm hooked.
I'm hooked. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThe only part that gave me pause is when he thinks the motto. Chances are good that the phrase wouldn't really flit through his mind. Feels like something more for the reader then something the character would actually do.
Also, here we have a character waking up but it works because there is a purpose to it.
I liked this - good job. I'm interested to find out more about the light.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to read and comment on this, secret agent! The motto is used to reveal somthing about a character later in the chapter, so I don't want to get rid of it completely, but I will definately think about how to integrate it more seamlessly.
ReplyDeleteThis may just be me having overheard quite a lot of war movies/FPS games from my boyfriend's computer recently, but the first line sounded to me like a drill sergeant. Apart from 'Apprentices' (which clearly does set this apart from Boot Camp, unless the army has changed a LOT) none of the rest of that first line seemed unique. I wonder whether there isn't a better way to express the urgency, allowing the Overseer's voice to bring us into the world of the story.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. This is, of course, just a suggestion, but if (say) you started 'Apprentices up! Nightsiders in the streets!' that conveys urgency AND alerts us that a) this is not the world we know (which otherwise, we don't know until paragraph 4) and b) these Nightsiders are really important, and doing something they shouldn't be.
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