TITLE: THE INCREDIBLE TIE-DYED TALKING HORSE
GENRE: Middle Grade
Thunder rumbles through my West Virginia mountains while black clouds darken the sky. My search for Big Blue continues and I wonder why he didn't stay with his herd.
Crrraaak! Baaabooom! Lightning zigzags across the sky. One huge bolt breaks into a zillion splinters lighting the sky, a giant laser show just for me. I see Blue on the ridge above me.
He’s hit! His long mane and tail stand out straight like a big fuzz ball, a glowing jewel.
I forget safety. I forget everything except Big Blue’s been hit by lightning. I push my horse, Neon, into a fast gallop. We charge up the ridge to Big Blue where he’s lying in the dirt, head twisted, not moving. Burnt hair. Burnt flesh. What a stink!
I throw myself to the ground and wrap my arms around his neck. "Blue, wake up. Wake up!"
Rain falls, buckets of it. I can hardly see. I cover Blue’s nostrils with my body so he can breathe and lie there in the mud protecting our champion Arabian stallion.
The storm rolls away, but rain still spits from the black sky. Blue blinks. His eyes flutter open, but I don’t think he can see.
"Blue, get up! Come on boy, get up." I rub his neck and stroke his long nose.
He snuffles. His eyes roll around. He lifts his head and stretches out his front legs like
he’s going to get up. I scoot out of the way, but he falls back with a grunt.
I'd read on.I'm a sucker for horse books.
ReplyDeleteI like the colorful succinct writing but wouldn't a horse instinctively seek cover in a big thunderstorm?
ReplyDeleteOne sentence you might want to take another look at--"I cover Blue's nostrils with my body so he can breath and lie there in the mud..." Sounds like Blue is lying in the mud, but I think you mean your protagonist.
It's vivid and exciting. Only problem -- I don't enjoy present tense, so it's a hard sell for me.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. It's an awfully sad way to start a story. I'm wondering if it would upset little girls???
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think 'What a stink' is not a realistic reaction. I'd be crying my eyes out if an animal I loved got hit by lightning.
Just some things to think about???
I love the title. It's fun.
I love anything to do with horses so I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and want to know what will happen next.
Never mind little girls, slhastings, I was aghast at the thought of a horse being struck by lightening. And I think you need to have more of that panic/heartache in your MC's reaction.
ReplyDeleteI'd also take out the *crack and baboom*. Show us the thunder in words, paint that sound with words.
Now, I love the present tense. It's different, fresh. And I would turn the page (I hope the horse lives :)
Good luck.
Very good. Love it! I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGood voice and tension right off the shot, but I do think the line What a stink! takes away from the seriousness of the situation.
ReplyDeleteI am almost hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is crisp and well suited to the age group. A little sentence variation might help polish this piece; a lot of sentences start with "I." The present tense works well here, and I love how you put us in the setting right up front.
I would like to see more emotion about the horse being struck by lightning. When she was on the ground with Blue I kept thinking she would cry. Give me a little more of her feelings I would be really hooked.
I like the tension you’ve set up here (What is the horse doing in the open in a storm? Why is he called Big Blue? Will he survive?), but I think that some of the imagery you use doesn’t quite fit. Descriptions like “a big fuzz ball, a glowing jewel” don’t really seem to mesh with the seriousness of the situation. Your dialogue is sort of non-descript and doesn’t really help to flesh out the character – telling a (potentially) dead person or animal to wake up is a pretty cliché response. I also wasn’t quite clear on how she is protecting the Arabian. Are they all lying in the mud together? Wouldn’t the Arabian be startled off by the lightening and the scent of burnt flesh?
ReplyDeleteI think you have the beginning of something good here, but it needs some more polishing before I would really be hooked. Then again, I’m not a horse person (more of a dog/ferret person), and my opinion is only that. Good luck!
Considering what's going on here and the cool sounding title, I'd read more. Talking horse. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteI'm a maybe here.
ReplyDeleteI don't care for present tense, but that's just my personal preference, not any reflection of the writing.
The line "What a stink!" put me off a bit, but the rest of the entry feels very real. The writing is crisp and tight.
I'd probably skip ahead to make sure the horse lived before I got too involved in the story. Adults you can knock off left and right, but dead children and/or animals are a turn off for me.
I'm mostly hooked. I agree with the commenter above about the "what a stink" line, as I'd expect the kid to me scared and sad about what's happened to his beloved horse.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of exclamation points. I'd use them more sparingly so they have a bigger impact.
Ok. It's a horse story which means I'm going to read it no matter what and the horse doesn't have to live. (After all, I used to re-read Cooper's Grey King every year until MY dog Cavall died.) Nonetheless, the "What a stink!" and audible lightening lines must go. She can notice the smell, but this is too horrific to object about how your loved one smells. If it helps, imagine that this is your parent or someone else you love. Once your face is twisted up in agony, you're ready to write this with some real emotion.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your crits. It's a big help. I think I see how to rewrite. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The "What a stink" doesn't seem like an appropriate reaction. To me, this is a pretty harsh opening for a MG. Beloved horse struck by lightening, burning flesh, etc. Plus we don't know if the horse lives. The title suggest this is a lighter story and I like the writing, so I would read on a bit more.
ReplyDeleteIt's written well enough that I didn't even notice present tense until it was pointed out. *blushes*
ReplyDeleteNot 100% hooked. Needs more fear, sadness, something about the horse.
And I agree with the show us the thunder instead of giving us the sounds. That was a little distracting.
I would turn the page and keep reading though.
Horses and MG work well so I have to say that it always captures my interest.
ReplyDeleteThere's some rough spots, like writing "Crrraak Baaabooom" and stating that lightning has hit the horse when that is already clear but I'd read on. It feels authentic despite the little problems.
I like it - like some others I'd lose the stink line. I'm guessing from the title that he begins talking after this so I don't think I'm bothered by the horse being hit. It seems a bit like she threw herself off Neon and into the ground by Big Blue, maybe show her getting off Neon.
ReplyDelete