TITLE: Trust
GENRE: Scifi/Romance
Vayen, the MC, is working his first assassination contract with his boss/mentor, Delyn.
This was a small time contract, meaning I could go for a headshot. It should have been easy. But it wasn’t. My finger tightened on the trigger.
The enforcer spun around. Another man sprang from one of the aisles with a pistol in his hand. I fired at the target. He crumpled to the floor with a hole in his forehead. A bullet thwacked into my coat. The spent round fell to the floor but the impact spread across my chest, driving the air from my lungs. I fired, but it only earned me a sneer from the new threat. He leveled his gun at Delyn.
Years of training overrode the pain in my chest. I leapt in front of Delyn. Her arm swung around me to let loose a spray of gunfire into his coat. A bullet tore into my neck. I fell back against Delyn and dropped to the floor.
Another shot rang out, whether it was his or hers I couldn’t tell. I focused on the place where he had stood, but it was empty.
My first contract, and I’d failed. I’d killed a man, so I guessed it was fair in some universal sort of way that someone else had taken me out in the same manner. Not that my rationalization made the distant feeling creeping over me any easier to bear.
Delyn’s face appeared over mine. Her lips mouthed, “Hang on.”
The sensation of a Jump surrounded me. Bright lights. Then nothing.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked the action. I was not sure who the target was or who shot him, but this is probably due to not reading before this passage. I liked the flow.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
Your pacing is fantastic, and the tone really reads like an old noir detective novel, which I love beyond reason.
ReplyDeleteGreat job. I would totally read on.
I would read on! Maybe a pronoun in the place of Delyn in some places? Or, work it out so Delyn doesn't seem so repetitive? For example at the end of para 2 you say, "He leveled his gun at Delyn" and the very next sentence, "I jumped in front of Delyn." These two short phrases with the name Dylan seem a little awkward...does that make sense? It may sound better if you said something like, "Dylan was standing to my right and I leapt in front of her."
ReplyDeleteI love how action writers can use short sentences to convey, well, the action! The reader feels the tension and the breathlessness of the moment.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith came to mind. I love it! :-) I want these two to have an affair!
(Warning: This isn't a genre I would normally read, so my comments should be weighed accordingly.)
ReplyDeleteThis sequence is confusing, as you have the lead character doing a lot - shooting, hitting the wrong target, getting shot, leaping up, getting shot again, and so on. It might be helpful to the reader if you could tighten that up a bit. As far as the writing goes, otherwise, it's descriptive and the action is well-paced. However, you seem to love the sentence fragment. Try a rewrite, incorporating the fragments into sentences and see how it looks.
(i.e., "It should have been easy. But it wasn’t." This could be one sentence.)
So far as ending a chapter, this is another one here that has nothingness as a theme. Unless this is the end of your book, you might want to give the reader something to look forward to.
To me, this is too choppy and has too many short sentences - as the poster above me pointed out.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I would like more description to balance the action. This is first person, yet we get no sense of how being shot feels. I feel like I'm watching the action from above, instead of being part of the action through Vayen's experience. Drag me in closer.
Also, you use "I fired" twice, very close together. I think the second time you at least need to say "I fired again" or change it a bit to spice things up.
Good place to end a chapter.
Great active verbs - I really got into the action. I'm interested with the Jump. It is interesting that they can jump and are using bullets. I definitely want to read on and learn more about the world.
ReplyDeleteI'm more intrigued by your world than by this portion of the novel, but only just, because this chapter ending got me. I'd maybe do away with some of the fragments, but not all, because like Heather said above, that noir feel is cool.
ReplyDeleteThe gun fight is a little choppy with the short sentences. It feels more like Vayen is watching the action than that he's participating in it. Like Screaming Guppy said, though, we don't get a feel for what it's like to be shot (and in the neck!).
I also think the ending might pack a little more punch if "The sensation of a Jump surrounded me" was the last line. There's a bit more incentive to keep reading that way.
Actually I thought that this story was quite good. Yet, I wonder if the rapid fire pace that you share with us here can be maintained throughout a chapter - or would a desire to slow take over at some time? Yes, I would continue read on...
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph seems out of order, but maybe the preceding paragraph makes it more clear. It just seems to me that this would be more powerful:
ReplyDelete"It should have been easy. But it wasn’t. This was a small time contract, meaning I could go for a headshot. My finger tightened on the trigger."
I do like the shorter sentences, though. I think they help the pacing.
The second paragraph gives me the same problem: it seems like the action is mixed up. Did the shooter fire because the guards moved, or did they move because the shooter fired?
And, total nitpick, bullets don't usually drop from vests, especially not that fast. Unless the guards were using non-lethal rounds? Or we're at some tech level other than modern? Actually, it looks like we are at a different tech level given the last sentence, so maybe just disregard that.
Also, again technical, if I have it in my head right the protag is jumping across Delyn as a bullet hits/skims his neck. At that point, if he's right in front of her, wouldn't the bullet go into her? If not, it would be really close, and you could use that to play up the tension.
Beyond that, nice scene. I'd keep reading.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteGood action writing, though pacing felt a little choppy. It's always hard to come into a fast paced scene not knowing anything.
I like the sci-fi touch at the end. The last line was by far the most interesting and I'd read on to see what happens here.
Although your action moves the story forward, the writing is flat, a list of events. You need to combine what the character sees with his reaction, then move to action. For instance, in your second paragraph, your hero sees the enforcer spin around and another man springs from one of the aisles with a pistol in his hand. Before your hero fires his gun, if he has some sort of emotional reaction (dang--where did that guy come from? Or we're in for it now) before he fires at the target we're sucked deeper into his POV and into the scene.
ReplyDeleteWell. I liked the action, even if I had a bit of trouble picturing the set up, but given the first person narrative, I'm fairly sure he survives. So there's not as much tension/hook for me here since I'm only jumping in now.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I'd probably flip the page to see where you pick up and how aware he is of what's going on. Not entirely 'OMG, I must read on' but I'm curious enough. ;)
Good luck.
~Merc
I would read on, as I like the subject matter and the tension, but parts of this felt choppy to me. For example, I think the lines He crumpled to the floor with a hole in his forehead. A bullet thwacked into my coat. need a transition between them, or at least a paragraph break, as it jarred me out of the narrative.
ReplyDeleteAhhh the sensation of a Jump.
ReplyDeleteBright lights. The nothing.
Sign me up. I don't want to be a hit man, but I so want to experience a jump.
Have you thought about combining the two sentences
I fired, but it only earned me a sneer from the new threat. He leveled his gun at Delyn.
to
I fired, but it only earned me a sneer from the new threat as he leveled his gun at Delyn.
And then maybe change the following paragraph to
I leapt in front of Delyn, as years of training overrode the pain in my chest.
I want to know more about these people, why they are assassins and how they jump.
I'd be reading this one!
Good, definitely interesting. I'm with the others that the writing could be smoothed out, but overall I enjoyed it and would turn the page.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that struck me was that the beginning of this snippet sounded more like the beginning of a book, then the middle of a chapter. I would kind-of expect the readers to know that first sentence already. But perhaps you changed that for our benefit.
ReplyDeleteAnyway... I really liked your last three paragraphs. They flow well, and they get us into the mind of this guy.
The first few though read somewhat along the lines of the notes a news reporter might scrawl if a battle unfolded around him. I didn't feel like we're really THERE, in this guy's head.
Unfortunately...I feel like my own action sequences read very similar, and I'm still trying to put my finger on how to make them come to life. I'm thinking maybe I need to dig out Bourne Identity again and dissect the action sequences to study! Maybe that'll help you, too?
I don't know how much help I've been...
I would read on.
ReplyDeleteYour world-building is solid. Your pacing is excellent.
Your final sentence is a super thrust-me-toward-the-next-chapter sentence.
Nit-pick:
Another shot rang out, whether it was his or hers I couldn’t tell
The above is a run-on sentence. It should have a semicolon, not a comma.
Another shot rang out; whether it was his or hers I couldn’t tell.
Good work, keep going!