GENRE: Historical
Melaina is a 21 year old woman in Sparta 450 B.C. She will soon give birth to her second child, and her husband is away with the army. Sparta enforced euthanasia for sickly male infants, and her first newborn was killed by government officials (per protocol, set out to die on Mount Taygetos) one year earlier. Her warrior father comes to bring her to her family's home for the birth, so that she won't be alone, but she argues and resists as her labor advances. This scene picks up just after she tells her father she can't give another baby "to the mountain".
“Another?” He shook his head. “By the gods, daughter, you were ill last time, and the birth difficult. Zeus will not take another of my grandsons before he carries Sparta’s shield. Now come with me.”
The ache returned in earnest, squeezing away her breath and his assurances. “I won’t come with you.” Her next words were garbled with the pain and her sobs. “It’s your fault.”
“What did you say?” Lightning flashed, and he paled in the momentary blaze of light, his eyes wide and dark against his skin. She’d never seen her father look like this before, puzzled and unsure, he who was always staunchly confident in his words and his deeds. It gave her a strange satisfaction.
“You held him back.” Then a rush of wet coursed down her legs, and she clutched her belly as the pain sharpened. She groaned and stepped further back, hating him. “Alexandros wanted to stop them, but you held him back!” She groaned again, then whispered, “You let them put my son out to die.”
His steely gaze held her, his words level and firm. “I did what Sparta requires.”
“You may as well have murdered him yourself.”
More water ran down her legs and splashed onto the ground. He father saw it as she doubled over, her fight giving way to the demands of her body. She couldn’t even struggle as he picked her up and carried her towards the cart just as thunder boomed overhead and the skies opened to a flood.
Definite tension to pull me along here. I hope her baby will be all right. I'd read on to find out.
ReplyDeleteHistorical fiction is my favorite genre! I would read on. :-) Those Spartans were brutal and you can definitely see the stoicism in the father character.
ReplyDeleteThis was so well done, and I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteVery well done. Dialogue is good, tension brings us into the story, but my only comment is the water running down her legs. Clearly her water has broken, but mentioning it twice seems like overkill. Her father knows she's in labor and having that visual (while natural) is kinda gross.
ReplyDeleteI’ve always wondered how a Spartan mother would feel in this circumstance. I would be interested in reading this to find out.
ReplyDeleteI assume that you’ve done your research, but I wonder about a woman in labor being out in the street, with her father. Primitive societies tend to be really freaky about that, pregnant woman being “unclean” and all, and men have always traditionally fled at the sight of labor.
As far as writing goes, it was flawless. Good sharp dialogue, vivid description. I would read on.
Lots of good suspense in here, with engaging dialog and good descriptive narrative. But, you have to be careful not to over-describe everything, it's an easy trap to fall into in that once you begin to over-do it, it's difficult to stop.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to reconsider the following: "Hating him" might not be precisely what you want to say, because the act of stepping back doesn't equate to hatred - she can hate him in another manner. "Couldn't even struggle", you don't need to use "even". Try, "She couldn't struggle against him as he..."
The writing needs tightening and editing, but for the assignment, I think that this is a great place to end the chapter. You've promised a birth in the next chapter, and some drama, so good job in that respect - it gives the reader a notion of where the story is going to go.
The character has my sympathy and I want to fight for her. Of course I have to read on!
ReplyDeleteI must agree with the "two times is once too many" comment. I can only speak from my own experiences, but after the initial breaking, I only had "gushes" with contractions--if the water gushed twice so close together, then she probably wouldn't be standing in the street, arguing.
She'd be on the ground, crying. Or screaming. That stuff hurts.
Anyways. More chapters, please! Great chapter ending that deserves a turn of the page.
I like this and would read more. The dialogue and Spartan fear were palpable. Interesting juxtaposition of rushing water down her leg and skies opening to flood.
ReplyDeleteI would read more. Since it's ancient Sparta, and the father invokes Zeus's name, I hope you're using lightning on purpose.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if Zeus is expressing an opinion about the whole thing? Or is that just my overacting symbol-seeking behavior?
Ooo, I like the description. "Skies opened to a flood." Lovely! I think your main character is very likeable, and this scene makes you hate the father immediately. If that's what you were going for, it's excellent. Lots of tension going on, and quite graphic, but in a good way. I would love to read on.
ReplyDeleteVery good setting, but I'd want to double check facts.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying hard not to nit-crit but from what I know of Sparta young girls were usually married to much older men after they retired from military service. To have her father there (who would be 50 or more when she was born) rather than her husband might be odd. But, I could be wrong, it's been awhile since I did any research on Sparta and I might be thinking of a different era in the culture.
Just check it.
I'd also question whether or not the FMC would view taking the child as murder if it's the cultural norm. You don't want to put a modern POV in a different time. As much as we like to think humans are unchanging, we aren't. Culture has a huge influence on how we perceive things. If everyone excepts this is good what are the realistic chances the FMC will actually consider it murder?
Love this. Sparta has a fascinating culture, and I'd read anything about it. But this has the tension/excitement to keep me reading just because it's a good story. Love it!
ReplyDeleteHey, Just_Me - thanks for reading and for your comments. I just want to clarify a couple of things. Sparta was unique in ancient Greece in that women married at the age of eighteen and to men usually only a couple or few years older than they. The reason was that Lycurgus (the lawgiver) wanted the best chance of producing strong warriors, and they felt that parents in their prime would bear stronger children. Now your other point is more difficult, because that's been one of the most difficult things to me as I write this story. How to get into the heads of people in an ancient culture, yet not turn modern readers off? I look at the euthanasia aspect like this - just because it was the law doesn't mean the average citizen had to like it. Any mother who has wanted and waited for a child would feel pain at having it ripped from her arms and thrown off the mountain. I find it hard to believe otherwise. There were a lot of brutal laws in ancient Sparta, and this was one of them where the good of the state was put before the good of an individual person. Difficult and horrible. I'll be back to thank the others for their great crits.
ReplyDeleteBy the way - this snippet takes place in the MC's garden, perfectly in private and not out on the street for all to see. :)
c.e.
Great ending. This is very well done. I do agree with a previous commenter on maybe not using the word murdered because it did sort of jump out at me like it didn't fit with the story or the time.
ReplyDeleteThe only nitpick I have is that 'back' is used 3 times in paragraph 4. Maybe the middle one can be changed to something like "stepped further away, hating him." or " she stumbled backwards, hating him" or something like that.
This definitley would be something I'd want to read.
The word "garbled" took me out of it for a second, as I associate garbling with a transmission, not with spoken word. But maybe that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI loved the imagery of "The ache returned in earnest, squeezing away her breath and his assurances."
It may be a personal preference, but I'm not too keen on mixing dialogue with scenic narrative as youve done with "“What did you say?” Lightning flashed..." Personally, I'd split it into a new paragraph. Especially since he's the one that says it, but then you use an unqualified "she" later that makes it sound like maybe it was her that said it.
The very last sentence seems a bit long, as you've got 3 actions, but I'm hazy on exactly how to fix it.
Ooh, I like historical fiction that focuses on Sparta so... O:)
ReplyDeleteThe storm with the argument seems a bit over the top dramatic (I rolled my eyes at that as it's a bit TOO much to take seriously), and the second sentence in the last paragraph feels like a POV slip (Her father saw). However, due to the subject matter I'm curious to read on. :P
Good luck.
~Merc
I’ve always wondered how a Spartan mother would feel in this circumstance. I would be interested in reading this to find out.
ReplyDeleteI assume that you’ve done your research, but I wonder about a woman in labor being out in the street, with her father. Primitive societies tend to be really freaky about that, pregnant woman being “unclean” and all, and men have always traditionally fled at the sight of labor.
As far as writing goes, it was flawless. Good sharp dialogue, vivid description. I would read on
I actually like the water thing! I bet Toni Morrison would have written something like that! ;-) Very literary I think.
ReplyDeleteWhat a unique premise! The writing is strong, tension clear, and good characterizations throughout! My only suggestion is to maybe get in her head a bit more when describing the pain as it feels a little more Telling than Showing at parts. But I would absolutely read on!
ReplyDeleteI like how this reads even though I don't know much about Spartan culture.
ReplyDeleteI hope this baby is not sickly like the first.
Digging it and realllllllly wanting to know what happens! I don't usually comment since I am mostly a lurker around these parts as of yet, but I had to give you props. Love the setting of the thunderstorm. I love historical, and though I don't know much about Sparta, this reads really well and I already care about the MC in just those few short words.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting read but I do have one comment. The Spartans did not worship the Zeus so much as they worshiped their own ancestors. The “sons of Zeus” would be called out first much the same way that Christians speak the name “Jesus” before “Yahweh.”
ReplyDeleteI thought it was excellent and would most definitely read on. Maybe a few more in-her-head things about the pain, but overall it 's excellent.
ReplyDelete