TITLE: MADMAN'S MANSION & THE LOST TUNNEL
GENRE: MIDDLE GRADE
Alice Cole scanned the empty beach with her binoculars. The sun glinted
off the crashing waves and made her blink. No sign of an animal anywhere,
except for screaming seagulls plunging into the surf. Alice hated to
admit she was wrong, but the dog was nowhere to be seen. She watched her
brother swordfighting the tall dune grasses with an old stick. Sam was
not going to be happy. She could already hear him—you woke me up at the
crack of dawn on the first day of summer for nothing!
He had thrown a book at her, which would have hurt if his aim had been
better. It’s not like Alice had wanted to pour cold water on him. It’s
just that she knew Sam wanted to find the dog as much as she did. And she
knew their mother planned to start packing moving boxes that day. It was
safer to have Sam out of the house.
Alice swung around to survey the rocky cliffs overlooking the sea,
searching until she found the Mansion, her favorite place on Arbmu Island.
Ages ago, someone had built the house entirely of stone, right up against
the sheer rock wall of the mountain. It must have been almost impossible,
dragging those huge rocks up the narrow path to the cliffs. The locals
jokingly referred to it as Madman’s Mansion. It was a grim, ramshackle
place, surrounded by a tall chainlink fence with signs posted that
read—Warning! Do Not Enter!
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm a little confused on what's going on--she's searching for this dog, but why? What's so fascinating about the dog that she would get up early? And why does Sam need to be out of the house?
ReplyDeleteI do like the writing style, with its full use of sensory description, so I'd keep reading to see if things clear up.
I agree. The sensory details were good, but there needs to be more transitions between her train of thought for me to get the connection between them.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't know if I'd read on, because I don't sense something unique or fresh to the whole creepy mansion plot. I think the character would be a better hook than the mansion. And in the first 250 words I don't get a sense for who she is. Now maybe I would in the next couple paragraphs...
Not sure. I was confused about the dog. The brother is (or will be mad) that she woke him up early to look for the dog, but he wants to find the dog? Is it a trick to get him out of the house?
ReplyDeleteSince she is looking for the dog, you might say "No sign of the dog anywhere..." intead of "animal."
The last paragraph is intriguing and I like the title. I would read a few more paragraphs to see if the beginning was explained.
The writing here is very lovely. I liked the phrase, "her brother swordfighting the tall dune grasses with an old stick."
ReplyDeleteI didn't connect immediately to the characters, though I didn't get turned off by them either. It was the house itself which was the most intriguing.
Thanks for all the great comments so far! One note about people's confusion--you're not meant to understand about the dog or getting Sam out of the house. Those are hooks to hopefully make the reader curious to read more, since it is only the first page...
ReplyDeleteI'm going to join the chorus and say the sensory details are incredible.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I feel bogged down with those details. I'd like to know more about the MC before I'd read on.
You need to give a better sense of why the dog is important to make the reader want to read further. Is the dog a stray and starving, and they want to feed it? Does it vanish like a ghost, and they want to solve the mystery of it?
ReplyDeleteSo far you've not given enough clues to make the dog a worthy hook.
Maybe the girl could worry that the dog is taking shelter in the spooky mansion, and it will be in danger. That would pull together the shift in the girl's focus.
The fact that the family is moving also makes the mystery less important. They find the dog, so what since they are leaving. They will find a lost tunnel, so what since they are leaving.
This seems rather Hardy Boy or Enid Blyton in an old-fashioned sense. I don't know if that's good or bad.
I'm intrigued and would read on. I like the two characters and the voice of the piece. I felt that the description of the mansion was a bit of authorial intrusion - would she really be musing about a mansion that's familiar to her in the midst of this search? And why is she searching the waves for the dog? I would think her binoculars would be trained on the dune grass, or up and down the beach.
ReplyDeleteNow, if there was a hint of movement there, and perhaps she thought it was the dog, then that might work.
Minor editing - contractions would help. And I'm wondering a little if the dog is some kind of ghost dog - could hint a little bit.
ReplyDeleteBut I would definitely read on<:
I like the sense of mystery - the mansion, the dog. But I didn't get a connection to all the elements. If Sam was worried about the dog, then why is he play sword fighting? And the moving seemed out of place.
ReplyDeleteI do love your voice. Very lyrical, beautiful description without being over the top.
Good luck.
I actually really like this. The MC's voice is good, and I already like Sam even though we haven't technically met him yet. The dog thing is interesting, but in order to be a true Hook, I think there needs to be a little more focus on why the MC feels she needs to find it.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I like the sound of the ramshacked place and the missing dog. I bet he's in the mansion. I would read on for sure.
ReplyDeleteThis peaked my interest because immediately I wanted to know why they needed to find the dog (was he theirs? was he a stray? etc.). I loved the description of the beach; I could really picture myself there. I'd keep reading to find out the relevance of the dog, the mansion, and why they're moving. The only thing I would hope is that some dialogue comes soon after these opening paragraphs. Other than that, this sounds like the beginning of an intriguing mystery. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI liked the concepts in the story. I'm thinking the missing dog was the kids' pet, yet you don't call him by name, so maybe he's a stray. I love the idea of the old mansion and the idea that the dog could be shut up there, but the transition from one to the other is jarring, at least for me.
ReplyDeleteInstead of telling us, you might could show them out on the beach searching for the dog and arguing over the wake up call. Then it would be more natural for one or the other to glance up at the old mansion and get the information about it in like that.
This is a great setting for a story, with lots of potential.
ReplyDeleteThe opening confused me, though. It wasn't clear what she was looking for right away, and why. And I didn't feel any urgency as to WHY she should find whatever if was.
I'm not hooked, but I dearly want to be, because I think this is the kind of story I would like!
I felt like they were moving and needed to find the dog before they left. I could be way off, but that's my interpretation.
ReplyDeleteAny way, I liked the writing. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading.
I think I need to feel a bit more of a sense of urgency to feel hooked. I like the premise, though, and the relationship between the kids.
ReplyDeleteI have mixed feelings on this one. The fact that a dog is missing will certainly get my heart racing but there seems to be a lack of tension or anxiety on the characters' parts regarding the missing dog.
ReplyDeleteShe'd awoken him with water and he threw a book at her. Yet, he wants to find the dog as much as she does?
Then the mention of the house seems in contrast to the dog search but doesn't fit.
So not sure what the writer is trying to achieve here.
I would read on a few more pages but I'm on notice.