TITLE: Constant Bliss
GENRE: YA Paranormal
During my year at Sandford Academy I went out with precisely one boy for exactly two weeks. His name was Jordan Linden and he was a complete disaster.
We had absolutely nothing in common: he loved sports, and I loved reading; he went to Sandford because he wanted to be a big shot and makes tons of money, while I went mostly to please my mom. Afterwards I discovered Jordan had asked me out because I looked like I belonged at Sanford, in his words stand-offish and preppy. It was just another example of how deceiving appearances are. The fact was that my mom had picked out all my clothes for me, and I was too shy to talk to anyone. Ironically enough, I soon learned that Jordan liked girls who didn’t talk much. He kept tell me how weird I was every time I tried to say something.
Jordan Linden was the reason why I began playing the boyfriend game. It’s pretty simple to play: I just watch a boy from a distance and try to figure out if he would be a good boyfriend. There’s a lot of stuff a guy can do in ten minutes that tells you exactly what kind of person he is, like whether he takes sidelong glances at his reflections in a windows or if he never answers his cell phone when it rings. That’s the kind of guy I’ve learned to avoid, that’s a Jordan Linden.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Interesting begining. I'm not quite sure what is being set up and would like to know more. Of course, 250 words is difficult to get that hook in. In the first paragraph you said 'he was a disaster'...do you mean 'it' was a disaster (meaning the relationship)?
ReplyDeleteLove it! Love the voice -- "I went out with precisely one boy for exactly two weeks".
ReplyDeleteThis feels authentic without getting sappy and flows beautifully. I'd keep on reading even if turned out to be without any paranormal element at all.
Love the first sentence. Last sentence in paragraph 2 is unnecessary. We get it, you don't need to state it when you showed it so well.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading. Good job.
Normally I would be leery of an opening with more backstory than action, but this works for me. Maybe it's because it's first person, so it sounds like she's telling you something, and it moves right to the "boyfriend game", which sounds like it's going to be important.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it's hard to say without knowing the conflict in the whole book. If the boyfriend game isn't actually at the heart of the story, but is just another passing piece of the character's stream of consciousness, then this would start to feel rambling.
I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI, too, was hooked from the beginning sentence. And even though this opening is more backstory in a sense, I think it works because it has a sort of immediacy to it. You feel as if the character is talking directly to you--right now. I would definitely keep reading. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI'd like her to give us more reasons to dislike Jordan than looking at his reflection. For instance, does he flirt with every girl and then talk about her when she's left?
ReplyDeleteI like this, but I'm conscious of it being background info. Is there a way you can start with the NOW and the slip some of this background in later?
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph seemed like too much background. You hooked me with the first sentence and then my excitement waned. What would happen if you kept the first paragraph (great hook), moved the third paragraph up (so we know that Jordon is the reason she played the boyfriend game - and I like that), then place the second paragraph giving more reasons that Jordon was a complete disaster (and shows her character too).
ReplyDeleteI like the first person voice. Good luck.
Be careful not to overuse colons. I'm interested in reading more about the boyfriend game though.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but not hooked. Nothing's happening here except a lot of backstory and infodumping. The voice is good, yes, but something needs to happen to Hook your reader into the story and I'm just not seeing it here.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are several grammatical errors throughout this section (check your plurals and singulars).
It's written well enough, but it needs more of a hook. Also there's an 'ing' missing from the word 'tell' in the last sentence in the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling it will be a good story, but the hook isn't there yet.
I wonder too if you could start in the NOW and do backstory in bits and pieces scattered throughout the book. Grammatical errors and too much information for one page. Good luck with the revising.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. The last paragraph is what hooked me. The middle one was just backstory.
ReplyDeleteSo how was Jordan a complete disaster? I didn't get a sense of that here other than you telling us.
Like the voice, especially in the third paragraph. Okay. I just loved that third paragraph ;)
I would probably read another chapter or two to see where the story is headed.
Good luck!
I agree others that it needs a little more action and a little less back story right at the beginning. and I didn't get the sense that Jordan was a complete disaster.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is clear and easy to read and I think you can turn it into a nice story.
Normally I would say start with a specific scene, save this backstory for later, but I think it works here. The voice is good and draws me right in. As long as this flows naturally into a scene in the next page or so, I don't think you need to change this too much other than tightening it up a bit. Watch out for typos though - makes tons/make tons, Sandford/Sanford and tell/telling in the second paragraph. Also, should it be "it was" instead of "he was" in that second sentence?
ReplyDeleteI love your first sentence and I really like the idea of the boyfriend game. I also like the MC's voice. I think the pace of your story gets slowed down because it's a bit wordy. For example, you don't need "The fact was that..." in the 2nd paragraph. Just start with "My mom..."
ReplyDeleteThird paragraph: "I watch a boy from a distance to figure out if he'd be a good boyfriend. There's stuff a guy can do..."
These are just suggestions, but you'll be amazed how cutting out all those little words that don't really contribute can pick up the pace and make it snap. But great start!
Sorry, not hooked. I think this kind of story needs sharper writing, more "white space" instead of bigs blocks of "tell-y text."
ReplyDeleteOther than the fact that their relationship was a disaster (which could certainly prove interesting), I'm not feeling a lot of conflict. Is there something WEIRD that caused the relationship to implode? Or did something SCARY happen that she is trying to avoid? (Just thinking out loud here.)
I think you need less telling and more snappy showing. Make us REALLY care about what happened in those disastrous 2 weeks.
Absolutely love it! In my top 5 picks!
ReplyDeleteSo want to read more.
Good voice, but I agree about the backstory. Perhaps if you went from paragraph 1 to paragraph 3, and interjected just a few lines about Jordan and how obnoxious he was, it'd hook faster.
ReplyDeleteNow this is an interesting one because the opening is all telling but yet, I'd read on. I thought the content was interesting and quite revealing of character.
ReplyDeleteI like the attention to detail on how to tell what kind of guy he is in 10 minutes just by close observation.
This narrator is interesting to me so I would read on.